There's nothing like hearing someone say, "Hello, can I have the fire service please", to wake you up with a jolt in the morning. It was H and I jumped up out of bed as fast as I could. My first thought was that it was our house that was on fire but then I heard H telling the fire people that it was a car behind our house. I looked out of the curtains and saw this car well ablaze but with no one else around, it was a scary sight. There were pops and whizzes as if someone had set off a load of fireworks or if there had been fireworks in the car but while H expected to see some pesky kids outside the window when he first looked, apparently those noises are causes by all the bits of the car; bulbs, plastic, glass and circuit boards exploding (I think they are all car parts that would make fireworky noises but there's nothing surer than that I'll be laughed at later if I'm wrong).

Being a person who is, perhaps, unhealthily transfixed by fire, I started watching it: it was a scary sight. Then H told me to move away in case the fuel tank caught fire, in which case the situation could become quite dangerous. After a few minutes I went back and the fuel had caught fire and the fire had changed from being relatively controlled to very aggressive and huge black clouds of smoke were bellowing up and the car parked next to it had also caught fire.

Luckily, just then the Fire Brigade arrived. It took them a while to put it out as the fuel kept reigniting itself as the car was so hot. H is all knowledgeable about car fires (and putting them out) from his days marshalling at race tracks. I don't think he ever had to put any out, although I could be wrong. Apparently, you have to use powder to put out the fuel and water to cool the area down but you have to be careful as obviously you don't want fuely-water everywhere.

The first car was totally gutted and was just reduced to a shell and the second car was just burned on one side. I saw the owners of the second car open the boot and retrieve some things from it but both cars are a right-off. H thinks it could've been arson as why would a car set itself alight at 6/6.30am? But I don't like to think of bad things like that. I guess we'll never know. The cars have been removed now and all that's there to remind us of what happened this morning are large black burnt areas on the tarmac.

The fire scared me quite a bit and has made me think that my playing obsessively with candles has been getting quite out of hand. Also I had a nightmare about it.

When I jumped out of bed at seven am I'd already been having horrendous sweats all night long and these continued when I went back to sleep (thinking that it was the erm...best thing to do and that I'd be my normal lazy self and wouldn't make the most of my early start.) So I went back to sleep for a few hundred more hours. I think it's because you're so hot that having night sweats means that I also have crazy, crazy film-like dreams. Mad ones like chasing pink mice (and also Noodle at one point) but while I'm pretending to try and catch them, I'm also trying to let them go as I know that bad things with happen to them if they're trapped. Of course, a few people from school turn up, one who had a baby with a super-tall model and some other people get killed as part of a real-life computer game which you can't escape from. And, last but not least, the fire. After the firemen had put it out it somehow managed to reignite itself and spread to the flats and to our houses. Our roof had gone and so had most of my stuff, except a few clothes that I given away ages ago?? The room wasn't black and burned though, it was just empty except for a few things that had survived but then more things started to appear alhough I couldn't remember the things that were gone which was upsetting for me. Are there any dream specialists out there who want to try and analyse this stuff?

Finally, when I arose from my slumber, I felt as if I'd been in a cinema all morning and so set about doing some of the things on my list. I didn't put the radio on - think I'm going to have to ration Five Live from now on as it's taking over my life - and finally finished those god damn Friends of the Earth minutes. Hurrah for the clocks going back, I say, without it I would have achieved even less today that I'm on-target for, which could be a record even for me. Never mind the fact that I'll be depressed for the next six months due to the dark evenings but then that's another example of my usual short-sightedness.

Wednesday wasn't a great day, but compared with yesterday it was amazing. Yesterday I had no energy or motivation to do anything...so I went back to bed and slept for the whole afternoon. I don't know if I was really that tired but it seemed like a good thing to do. I woke up a few times and saw that it was a lovely sunny day outside and wanted to go out, but I just couldn't move. It was if my body had turned to concrete and I couldn't lift my legs or arms. All I could do was just close my eyes and go back to sleep. It wasn't until an ambulance with its siren blaring shocked me awake that I regained consciousness and was able to get up. And not too soon either, as H was about to come home. Whoops!

Last night I did manage to go out to some comedy which was good fun and proof that I just need to have more things to occupy my mind and less time to think about things. It was also in a student pub which was more good therapy for me. Even this time last year seeing lots of students drinking together and having fun would stress me out because my student years weren't like that: my friends would go out and I'd just stay in on my own watching tv. But hurrah, I'm starting to be able to cope with students again. It probably is time too as I started uni TEN years ago. Can you believe that? Umm not sure what I've done in those intervening years.

Today hasn't started too well either. I've been rubbish this morning and starting munching my way through a packet of sugar. But this is last bad, negative and self-destructive behaviour that I'll partake in today. I'm going to draw a line under this grumpiness and try and be more positive. I'll go and get dressed now and do grown-up functioning activities like other people do. Especially mummies like Katie, who are superhuman, and who I'd like to wish a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Umm... new "in beta" blog doesn't seem much different really. It's only behind the scenes that things are new. Did you realise that there's a secret writing, editing and managing system?

Anyway, I forgot to say yesterday that my socialising at the weekend was even more impressive given that it was sans alcohol. Yep, I'm on meds at the moment which are incompatible with drink and as this has become my latest prop, I thought I'd never be able to cope without it. But, hurrah, I did. The originally over-whelming and daunting task became as easy as pie. Who'd have thought it? Not me.

BEING GREEN
I haven't been blogging about greenness much recently so thought I'd let you know about a few green going-ons. It might also distract me from this miserable rainy, rainy day.

The first one started earlier this year and saw a new bread of scavenger prowling city streets. They are called Freegans and are a group of people who search through shop bins looking for food that is perfectly edible but has been thrown away because it has passed its sell by date. Yes, really and they are all still happy and alive. Check out www.freegan.info.

Apples! I love apples, they are (probably - I do like a lot of fruits) my favourite fruit. Last Saturday was Apple Day, a celebration of the 2,000 (wow!) apple varieties grown in the UK. Apple Day aims to encourage people to grow and eat British apples as some of them are now rare thanks to my best friend the supermarkets; they don't sell them in favour of commercial varieties. So go celebrate (nevermind the lateness) by munching and crunching on a yummy English apple with such charming names as Cox, St Edmund's Pippen and Catshead!

And finally, if you must fly, make sure you don’t take a night flight. Research by the University of Leeds (must be top quality research, then) found that night flights only represent a quarter of air traffic but are responsible for generating 60-80 per cent of emissions. Why IS this? Must do some research. [little voice] I didn't fly at night when I last went away...honestly.

Seeing as I’ve had a few problems recently (it taking ages to publish individual posts and multiple postings, that sort of thing), I finally decided to change to Blogger “in beta” which Blogger has been trying to encourage me to do for ages. I’m still not sure what “in beta” means but I think the main benefit is that it lets you use more colours and fonts and other cool blogging features which should enhance everyone’s blogging experience. So surely that’s got to be a good thing.

Well, I’m back in Leeds now after a good weekend in the West Country. I even braved a wedding with lots of people from primary school and a few from secondary school. It might not seem a very brave thing to you but both my mum and my sister were really surprised that I said I’d go. And even though I’m not very sorted at the moment, I was able to face people I haven’t seen for over ten years and actually enjoy the experience.

There is no way I would have gone a few years ago even though I was working and therefore on paper it would appear that I should’ve found it easier. So I think this is proof of me getting much better. I was really scared that one of the people there would really hate me as I fell out with our mutual friend in the sixth form, but she was lovely and seeing her was one of the highlights of the night. It was also very good therapy for me as I realised that everyone else isn’t still hung up on what happened at school. They don’t spend their whole time stressing about things that happened 15 years ago and aren’t still upset about things boys said to them in 1989. Instead, they’ve got a grip, moved on and got a life.

While I’m not pretending that I’ve laid all my demons to rest, I feel that (apart from the occasional blip) I’m really making progress. It probably seems from my blog that there is a lot of toing and froing and not much moving forward. But really I think there is. I even threw away most (not all) of the posters I had up at uni and I left there seven years ago. Who says I’m still living totally in the past?

I'm at home and although Beale isn't here which is obviously sad and a bit weird, Mich is making up for it by being more Beale-like. He doesn't tend to hang around the house as much as Beale did but he has braved seeing my mum (not his best friend) to sleep upstairs and be especially friendly and sweet. He came to see me in the night and cuddled right up close to me in a little ball. And he let us tickle his tummy which is usually a no-no as he doesn't like it can suddenly scratch or even bite! Also, he's been washing himself lots which is very un-Mich-like as he is known for his dirtiness and smelliness (we love you really Mich) or maybe he just has a normal level of cleaniness and he just couldn't live up to the ultra clean and beautiful Miss Beale.

Today we planted some daffodil and crocus bulbs around Beale's grave and also pricked-out (I think that's the correct gardening term but it's probably not) some seeds which my mum planted in Beale's favourite seed tray. We've now put the best seedlings in bigger pots and hopefully they'll grow into nice flowers in the spring or maybe tomatoes or sweet peas or apple trees. Unfortunately my mum can't remember what they are!

Today I found a couple of Beale furs on my fleece. (I can tell it's a Beale fur and only a Beale fur because of its mixture of orange and whiteness.) It didn't make me sad, it just made me remember Beale which was a happy and smiley feeling. But, I'm going home tomorrow for the weekend which will be the first time I'll be at home without her so hopefully it won't be too strange and I won't be too sad.

I'm looking forward to going, but why is it I always leave everything to the last minute? I have a big long list of things to do before I go including writing up the minutes from the Friends of the Earth meeting which I went too, erm, quite a long time ago. Also, it seems that I can't put off getting a cold any longer. I thought I still had super-resistance (like last year when I only caught one of H's four colds - a miracle methinks) but it appears not. Am already dosed up on nasal sprays and extra meds which should hopefully do the trick but I just needed to tell you as one of the major requirements of having a man cold is to make lots of fuss about it.

Am sleepy today. Don't know whether it's because I had a GP's appointment this morning and so had to set my alarm (I REALLY don't like doing that) or because I walked about two miles yesterday. (I needed to get some change for the bus so decided to walk to the shop and change some but obviously I didn't allow enough time and the bus sped past me! I thought there must be another bus down the road which I could hop on but there wasn't so I ended up walking half the way to the hospital! I seem to always do these crazy kind of things which I always think are quite fun and exciting at the time (clearly, I need to get out more ;)).

Anyway, the good news is that the GP agreed that I should change one of my drugs as the side-effects are too bad. Except that the withdrawal effects are as bad as bad as the side-effects. So clearly more fun is expected. But, hurrah things are moving forward.

BEING GREEN - I was out when an H package was delivered today so we had to go to the outskirts of Leeds to pick it up this evening. To make the most of our journey (even though the drive there was quite fun, damn) we went to Ikea (which was over the road) as H wanted to buy a CD rack that actually looks OK rather than a bit of black painted tat that looks horrendous as most CD racks do. As we were on a mission to buy one thing we speeded round the shop but seeing all the pretty things, I remembered that there are loads of good things in the world that you can purchase to make your house pretty which, in turn, makes you happy which is obviously bad as it's consuming stuff, but at least we didn't buy anything that we didn't actually need. And at least Ikea is a bit environmentally friendly in that it charges five pence for a carrier bag (but, of course, we didn't need any of the evil things).

I've finally downloaded the Noodle pics which I took on our last day together and they are just oh so cute (even if I say so myself). It was pretty difficult taking these pics as I was using a video camera (which I haven't quite got the hang of yet) and also because Noodle being a Noodle moves as lightening-fast pace, so just when you think you've got a great picture, she moves and all you get is a shot of her tail or paw, like so...

I was trying to dry Noodle with this towel but all she wanted to do is play.
*Sorry for the interruption but why has a woodlouse just walked across the sofa. They aren't meant to live in houses are they??*

So nearly a great photo...

Ahhhhhh what a cutey, sweetie pie.

Well here begins another week in the life of Mood Swing Molly. Let's hope it's a good one as last week wasn't. But who knows? Things change from one hour to the next, from one day to the next and from one week to the next. Mind you, this is a good thing. If I was feeling really, really bad then I wouldn't be able to feel better so quickly. I wouldn't be able to enjoy things at all and because I can, this makes me feel quite positive. When I've felt down recently, the depression comes over me and swamps me, but this is vastly better than how I used to feel when the depression was coming up from within me. Which is much more scary and difficult to cope with. So I'm thinking (hoping) that this is just a short-term thing.

Meanwhile, Emma, who runs the Live Life Then Give Life campaign with Emily, has produced a cool video to raise awareness about organ donation. The video can be viewed here on the YouTube website. So for anyone who hasn't been to YouTube yet, here's your chance to see what all the fuss is about, and, of course, to watch a fab film.

Apparently it was a lovely sunny day yesterday. I didn't see much of it as I was making the most of H being out to do lots of lovely sleeping. I did wake up sometime during the afternoon and seeing the clear blueness of the sky I thought I really should get up and go out. My response to which was to go straight back to sleep only to wake up when it was dark!

Anyway, the sleep served its purpose as it enabled me to go out in the evening. Vanessa invited me to her friend's party and I really wanted to go because I had some strange urge to be sociable and also, the guy whose birthday it was works for Oxfam so there was the possibility of begging for a job. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone. Which isn't really a very nice image.

The party was good and I didn't freak out that there were THREE psychiatrists there! OK, well obviously I did a bit but I also managed to get a free consultation in the taxi on the way back. Obviously I was quite drunk to do this and unfortunately I can't really remember what he said.

Apart from the psychiatrists, there were other nice people there and I was very brave for me and just started chatting to people and didn't freak out because they all had functioning lives; careers, houses, friends. Actually, I've just realised that this is a really positive thing for me because I have been known to leave quite a few parties because I couldn't cope with them.

When it came to the dreaded what do you do question, I made light of it and said my mum says "I'm a bit at sea" at the moment which people found quite funny. I then gave them a potted work history (hoping that they'd pick up that I have actually done some good stuff in the past and not be listening when I get to what I am currently doing). I also said I was doing some freelance work. Well I have written a couple of articles over the last few months!

Feeling a bit worse for wear today which is all my own fault but I'm still managing to look after H with his man cold which is the important thing. Oh and the guy from Oxfam told me to give him a call. So fingers crossed.

Was in a major, major grump today but then I received an email from Rob who told me that my blog was being a bit weird yesterday and was hijacked by this strange picture.

It made me really smile for the first time in ages. :) I like my blog being hijacked by strange/cutely-drawn images and funny sentences which seem particularly apt to my life at the moment!

H has got a man cold but luckily (shock) isn't making too much fuss about it at the moment. While I've got a sore throat so am eating an excessive number of sugar free Fisherman's Friends which have a good soothing effect (or is it affect? Can someone please explain to me how English grammar works) on my throat.

Other GRUMPINESS - more things I've posted have got lost somewhere between me putting them in the red box and them arriving on my friend's mat like they are supposed to. :( That's two recently? Surely that's more than is statistically fair?

BEING GREEN - Went to the market (one green point) but also bought a book from HMV which is pretty much illegal in my life (-100 green points). So you can be better than me, check out the local bookshop website. This enables you to order your favourite books online (just like Amazon) but instead of going straight to your house, they go to the friendly local bookshop people up the road who you can have a friendly chat with. And not only that, it keeps them in business too.

Carrier bags refused: 5 (Two of them were those little tiny useless ones. I mean, WHAT is the point in them??? Grrrr.)

GETTING A GRIP -"Red, red wine, Stay close to me...dum, dum, dum, de, de, de..." God, I'm so untuneful. Oh well, you get the idea. ;)

BEING GREEN - Public transport (nearly) all the way baby.

Belated GOOD NEWS. Bad me hasn't told you yet that Angel escaped from hospital on "extended leave" on Friday. About time too after nearly THREE MONTHS. YAY!

GRUMPINESS - Today and yesterday have been pretty tough. How can my mood change so much from day to day?? One day I'm thinking that I've mastered this depression thing and the next I'm struggling to do anything. I'm just about getting through the days with isn't exactly great but at least they aren't causing me too much pain. Though I am feeling like I've got a ball and chain clamped onto my ankle and yesterday I pretty much needed a rocket under my feet to propel me out of the house.

Also I'm missing Noodle, not just because of her lovely funniness, furriness and unique Noodleness but also because of the structure and purpose with which it gave my day. I'm sooooo desperate for a pet but obviously that means moving and more upheaval and unsettledness which I wouldn't be able to cope with. My consultant asked me on Monday if I was settled in Leeds yet. I know he was just being friendly and after a year and a half you'd think I was, but it just made me stress that being settled means being happy and having loads of friends and that makes me think that I'll never be settled, anywhere.

BEING GREEN - Still managing to be green.
Ethical/organic/recycled items bought: 4 (out of 8).
Carrier bags refused: 4.

I was given a glowing report by my consultant yesterday, which should've been a good thing. In a way it was, my lung function was up a bit thanks to all the cycling I've been doing, but that wasn't enough.

I told my doctor about how my stomach's been playing up but when I said this, he just swept it away with his favourite phrase "it's settled down now has it?" Later he did say he could feel my gut which isn't a good sign but didn't seem worried. But I am worried and it's my body, so why didn't I ask for an x-ray?

I didn't ask because I was feeling so good about the clean bill of health I was receiving that my stomach complaints just seemed to evaporate. For that moment in the consulting room all my problems seemed to disappear. Here was my consultant telling me my cf was no problem, so what are my problems? There shouldn't be any (cf being the major one). Hurrah, I'm mended!

Also, I do have a plan. It involves going to see my gp to change one of my non-cf meds which I'm pretty such worsens my stomach problems and gives me other yucky side-effects. I did try to talk about this yesterday but it just got pushed aside and I thought if that's your attitude then fine, I'll go somewhere which I hope is more receptive. Not really so good for my relationship with my cf team but I'll try them again if my gp lets me down.

Another good thing about having a blog is that you can write about vaguely obscure things that happen to you that would be quite difficult to squeeze into normal conversation. For example, (this isn't actually something that happened to me, more something I've grown) this weekend two big red spots appeared on my forehead but they aren't really annoying like normal spots because their positioning makes them look like horns! H is quite freaked out by them especially when I reminded him I'm called Lucifer and told him I used to think I was possessed by the devil!

I would put a photo on my blog but that would mean I'd have to take an extreme close-up of my forehead with is definitely a no, no.

[A few hours later...]

Err, I've just realised they are funny as long as I don't have to leave the safety of my house!

I have an apology to make. It's to my blog. Saying my blog's boring, is a bit harsh, after all it's me that makes it boring. If anything, I should be saying a big 'thank you' to my blog for putting up with me writing so much grumpiness and grumbliness.

I really think that writing my blog and the support I've received from people reading it has helped me so much to get where I am today. And I think I really have come a long way since I started it. You can never be too sure as these things go up and down and of course, some days are good while others make you think you haven't gone anywhere except backwards.

In six months, what's happened? Well in conventional terms not much but in me terms, I think I'm starting to become the person I want to be and the person I should be. My confidence is definitely on the up, I'm much less tired (for whatever reason that may be, I still haven't got to the bottom of that one), I'm doing loads of things that I'm actually enjoying and even shock, horror, looking forward to. So overall I would say I'm much happier. A big hurrah for that.

Would I have made this much progress without my blog? I don't think so. Having a blog enables me to write things down and then move on. I can write things down on hundreds of pieces of paper but it doesn't really do anything, it doesn't shift a feeling or thought or help that much. But, like having a therapist which did really help me, writing down my feelings and publishing them to the world (even if the world doesn't read then) lets me get things out of my system. It helps.

And I've really needed the help. Moving to Leeds hasn't been easy, not only did I have a vastly reduced support network but the psychologist at Seacroft was worse than useless. To top if off she decided to totally discharge me in the summer (much to the horror of my gp) when I could've really done with some support and help.

So I looked to my blog readers for support and I received lots of it and while things aren't totally sorted at the moment, I know that not doing my course was the brave thing to do and was (I'm as sure as I can be) the right thing to do. The reason for this is that I'm feeling so much better in my self. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I started to believe in myself again and I can't tell you how much of a sea change that is. It's as if, deep inside, I have a feeling that things are going to be alright and that even if they aren't, I think I can cope with that too.

I've been playing with candles this morning because I'm a secret pyromaniac and like watching the flames and playing with the melted wax. But you know what happens to naughty little girls who play with fire? No, the house hasn't burnt down but I have burnt my finger, well thumb actually. Twice. Ha, ha it serves me right!

The candles came out because it's been cold recently and I'm amazed by how much heat they give off. Also, I'm feeling a bit Christmasy, well not really but I couldn't believe that Leeds has already put its Christmas lights up. OK, they're not switched on but it's the beginning of October. Hello?!

H has just said that he thought I was going to write about interesting things and not my boring life anymore but I think it's funny. He's cross with me because I've been playing with candles and getting the wax everywhere. Except I haven't and am quite good really.

As H is being lovely and cooking, I thought I'd fill you in on my last walk with Noodle. Yesterday was a sad day but we certainly made the most of it. I spent four and a half hours with Noodle and she even came to my house for lunch. Now, why have I never thought of that before?

It was raining buckets, as I think it was pretty much everywhere in the country, so I kitted myself up in a raincoat, umbrella and sensible shoes, (not trainers like I usually wear in the rain and then immediately regret when I step in a puddle.) Noodle didn't seem to mind that it was raining and was galloping along at what seemed like a hundred miles per hour. Because it was our last walk, I decided we should go to the big park near my house which we haven't been to for ages. It was as if Noodle knew it was her last trip to that park as she was speeding around as if she was trying to sniff and take in every tree and plant. We managed to get away from a stray dog by hiding in a fenced off area. I'm not sure why it's fenced off but I think it's to create some kind of new garden. It probably means no dogs but as there were no signs we went in.

When the dog had left we carried on our walk which was quite fun even though it was raining loads. Then Noodle spotted a squirrel and did her funny cantering thing where she pulls on the lead and runs two-legs at a time to increase her speed. Obviously she couldn't catch the squirrel and I wouldn't let her but I did try and move a bit quicker so she could get some sense of running. However it was quite difficult with me trying not to slip over on the muddy ground and holding Noodle in one hand and my umbrella in the other.

I managed to persuade Noodle to leave the park with the promise that we'd go back later and we went to my house for lunch. Noodle's been around quite a few times before so it wasn't new or scary for her. I tried to give her some cucumber and carrot which are usually her favourite foods but she wanted what I was having and predictably, I gave in and she had some homemade flapjack and crisps.

We had lunch and she came on my sofa and snuggled up with me. I stroked her and tried to dry her fur although all I succeeded in doing was making it go the wrong way so it stuck up and looked funny. I took some photos of her too but I'm not sure what they look like yet as I took them on a video camera which I was holding at arm's length and aiming as best I could in Noodle's general direction. The results will be posted on here when I've downloaded them, as long as they're not just a blur of fur.

After lunch, the rain had eased off a bit and we went back to the park. The squirrels seemed to be enjoying eating acorns in the light rain and there were loads of them about. Noodle spotted three and tried to chase them at lightening speed. She was very confused indeed when she arrived at the tree near where the squirrels had been playing. She ran round and round the tree looking for them and just couldn't understand where they'd gone. After that, she spent the rest of the time scanning the park for them. When it was time to go, she wouldn't leave and I almost had to drag her along the pavement. She did her special Noodle thing of sitting down and refusing to move so as you pull on her lead she moves backwards which causes it to start pulling off.

I managed to get her to move when she remembered (very clever I thought as we hadn't been there for ages) that there was a little path on the side of the park that leads back to it. I obliged and we walked along it but I was having none of her running back to chase the squirrels. I didn't have the energy for a start.

It was a tough walk back as Noodle kept sitting on the pavement and refusing to move and then sniffing everything and gobbling down as much chewing gum as she could find. When we got back to her house, I stayed with her and listened to radio while she played around a bit, did her crazy licking-my-nose-and-ear-thing and then finally slowed down and curled up next to me and went to sleep.

Have a happy life Noodle, I'll miss you. Byeeeeee xx

Big sadness. I know I said yesterday I wouldn't write about my everyday stuff but this isn't everyday stuff. This is important breaking news. This is news that while I am on Noodle walking duty tomorrow, this will be my last walk with her...ever. Droopy bottom lip.

Noodle's mummy just told me that Noodle is going to live with her ex-boyfriend as it's too difficult for them to see each other all the time, which I can easily understand. Vanessa is obviously very upset and I'm not best pleased either. This is my plan for tomorrow. I'm going to get up early and take Noodle for a long walk and then sit in her house and cuddle her lots and lots.

It's taken me almost six months of blogging to get a bit fed up with it. (I've just realised I'm breaking my new format rule already, oh well. Ho hum.) Anyway, it's taken me lots of hours writing and reading my blogs to finally get a bit bored with the whole thing. Aren't you?

Or maybe more precisely, I'm bored with my life. This isn't a bad thing. I've been bored with my life lots of times before - in fact, it happens quite regularly as it would do if you are an 'at sea' kind of person. But now, as opposed to the other times, I think it's a good thing. It means I want to change my life and whereas before I thought I couldn't, and that depressed me, now I think I can. Hurrah!

I want to do more exciting things in my day and I want to be busy. I don't want to relay every tiny detail of my, frankly, not very interesting life to H when he returns home from work or on here on my blog (although often when you write things down it makes them seem better and more exciting than they were).

So, that's it really. I have nothing else to say. Of course, this is just for today and I'll probably change my mind tomorrow as I'm inclined to do.

And of course, when I've found wonderfully interesting things to fill my day with, I'm allowed to write about them.

Finally, for all you Angel fans out there, the crazy-named operation to stick the lung back together with an extra special drug seems to have done the trick. She even managed to escape home for the whole weekend. Yay!

Much, much, muchly reduced GRUMPINESS. Why do I always over-react to everything? Am feeling much better today whereas yesterday I felt that everything was hopeless and was spiralling out of my control. I thought, How can I be a stupendous Friends of the Earth volunteer who they'll want to promote to head of campaigns in a few weeks, if I'm ill and can't even get out of bed? It's all hopeless, hopeless. Which is obviously a completely stupid thing to think on more than one level. OK, I'm thinking now that being a bit ill isn't the end of the world and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, again. But then, that's me for you.

GETTING A GRIP - Yep, I know I'm lucky that I'm not more ill and I need to make the most of it. I am still doing quite a bit of cycling and have new funky lights for my bike which are very bright and pretty. A double whammy with exercise being good for cf and freaky heads.

BEING GREEN - I can't believe that the government has completely ignored its own green procurement policy and has used illegally logged wood from the Papua New Guinea rainforest in the refurbishment of the Houses of Parliament. Grrrrrrrrr. That's what I say.

Greenpeace is quite rightly outraged by this and is putting pressure on Tony Blair to make sure that the government only uses timber certified by the Forest Stewardship Council and to introduce legislation to ban all imports of illegal timber into the UK. If you click here you can send a fax (for free) telling Mr Blair to sort out his timber procurement policy and to stop wreaking virgin forests.

EXTREME GRUMPINESS - due to another day in bed with stomach being badly behaved. Luckily grumpiness is subsiding now due to ability to get out of bed, cook dinner and have H return.

GETTING A GRIP - feel better now so let's just hope it was a blip.

BEING GREEN - Bad. Made it to the local shop but didn't refuse a bag I didn't need.