I'm writing this as a window of 'Lucy normality' has just appeared. Strange really as I had no sleep at all last night. That's despite the large dose of Temazepam which I'm on. Ironic really considering how much I used to sleep (but that's another story).

So, could this be the end of the nightmare?

Fingers crossed.

I seem to have reacted idiosyncratically to every drug I've been given - and i've been given a lot. Drugs to stop side effects from drugs, which isn't so great and leads to more confusion and muddle and my body being pulled apart like an old rag doll. So it's all been very frustrating and annoying.

And i've had windows of normality before only for them to have been superseded by intense periods of loonness (yes, politically incorrect, I am). So who knows? I guess if I post again soon things will be on the up and if not, i'm just lost in the dark for a bit longer...but I WILL return.

Hello world. It's me, Lucy.

I'm nearly back.

I'm showing signs of progress, apparently.

What's happened since i came home? Basically it's been a complete disaster. I've sort of had a drug-induced breakdown.

I reacted to the drugs in hospital; to the IVs, to the ADs. And circumstances meant that i took the ADs for too long and then was told just to stop them (instead of coming off them slowly) so suffered awful withdrawal effects too. It was horrendous. It still is quite horrendous.

Like anything that goes wrong, there's a million little things that happen for it to go wrong - otherwise it would be OK. It should never have happened. This is what i keep saying and everyone just tells me that there's no point in saying it. But i just keep saying it anyway.

I can accept coming back from Thailand now but I'm finding it very hard to accept that the past six weeks (the worst of my life) have been drug-induced. That feeling so awful and so ill has been so unnecessary. I know that my state of mind didn't help and apparently my reaction was an idiosyncratic one, but still...it's so hard to accept, all of it.

Well that was the month that wasn't.

Hence the lack of blogging.

It consisted of the two worst weeks of my life - both caused by side effects of drugs and two not so great weeks also caused by evil meds.

And, although the drugs are still making me feel a bit weird, I am feeling better. Hurrah!

It's a bit ironic that i go travelling for six months and am pretty fine and then come back and get really ill; my poor body.

In fact, my body is mentally and physically exhausted now and I'm just really hoping that i'm going to be OK. I'm trying to keep a lid on things but feel like the side effects are the final straw although the drugs should be nearly out of my system now. And so by Tuesday I should have a better picture of how things are. Fingers crossed.