Well done me! Yes, I think it's time for a bit of self-congratulation. Today we graduated from our course. OK, we just got a certificate and shook the headmaster's hand, but it means I finished the course and more importantly passed the year.

Being my old negative self, I wasn't feeling very pleased earlier and was thinking I didn't deserve a round of applause because I hadn't finished the photography, colour or sculpture modules. I was just feeling sad that I hadn't done them but now, weirdly I've started to think on my course in a positive light. I remembered all the hundreds of times I said I was going to quit the course because I thought there was no way I could do it, especially in those deepest darkest December days when my stomach was being particularly troublesome, and this made me feel good that I'd stuck with it.

So now, instead of feeling grumpy about what I didn't learn, I'm feeling happy about all the things I did, and am especially pleased with my installation (above). Apparently because I projected my film onto something it becomes an installation and I like that because it sounds more important and worthy of being put in an art gallery. But because it's an installation, it's all taken down now and is no more.:(

Gosh, this looking on the bright-side thing is a really weird feeling, but I think it's definitely the way to go. :)

Apologies blog fans for the sporadic nature of my posts recently and especially Take That fans (Kat) for the lack of song-by-song lowdown, detailed explanation of super funky circa 1995 dance moves, Robbie hologram and fab re-recorded version of him singing the intro to Could it be Magic, tango dancing, breakdancing, the Beatles' medley complete with hair-flicks and air guitar, a wicked video explaining how to manufacture a boy band, (They must be soooo very pretty boy next door types, no girlfriends, ambiguous sexuality, knock a few years off their ages...) Lulu's star appearance, a plethora of dancers and acrobats, lights, rain, flames AND fireworks! AND OF COURSE TAKE THAT!

I've been entertaining a whole host of visitors - my sister is here and my auntie and uncle came to see my exhibition and took us out for a nice meal last night (which brought a swift end to my loss of appetite!) - as well as being a bit tired and coughy.

But I'm come to an important realisation - I have man cf. I'm not being derogatory about guys with cf as I know they aren't rubbish at being ill and don't make a big fuss like I do, I mean like men in general who make the biggest fuss about having the littlest cold or man cold as it is commonly known.

I like this definition of a man cold from the Urban Dictionary: "The name 'man cold' disguises the true terrible, debilitating disease that is the man cold. Nearly all men will die from man colds unless they are administered immediately with large amounts of mindless TV such as daytime TV, or childrens' cartoons. It is essential that they not move from bed or a comfy sofa to allow for rehabilitation, and must have tissues and man cold medicine (such as chocolate biscuits, McDonalds, or a nice cup of tea) brought to them constantly by a nearby female."

"Either I have meningitis, end stage brain cancer, or a man cold."

So, I think I have man cf. Here is an example. I wake up and my cough is a bit worse; sounds a bit throaty, I'm coughing more of the time. I've lost my appetite (a bit). I panic. Oh my God, I've got an infection, I need some antibiotics, I should phone the hospital, I better not plan anything for the next week as I'll be in hospital, I'm too ill to move, to do anything...and usually (and luckily) some extra oral antibiotics mostly sort me. But there it is, it's official, I'm an embarrassment to the cf community. I have man cf.

My grandma, (left with my mum and me - in yet another ridiculous picture of yours truly) and grandpa (below dancing with my cousin Becky at her wedding in April) came up yesterday as I gave them special dispensation to fly. Well I think they've planted enough trees in their life (a wood, or two) to make their flight carbon neutral. However, if they want to come again they might have to plant some more.

We had a lovely meal last night and they came to college to see the exhibition today. I knew I'd be upset if I walked into the studio and my film wasn't working so I made them look at some photography while I went to investigate...Obviously it wasn't running correctly but it only took me a few minutes to sort it out. I think I've sussed it now so it should be working perfectly tomorrow - the last day of the exhibition!

Hello! Just writing to say I'm still alive (just). Have crazily been to London this weekend (to see Take That!) so am very a lot tired and not really capable of writing anything either vaguely coherent or amusing so probably best if I just go to bed.

OH MY GOD! What an emotional rollercoaster of a week. Was it worth it? How I'm feeling right now? No. Will I change my mind when I'm less exhausted? Maybe.

When my tutor asked me if I was going to do next year's course and I said I didn't know and kept changing my mind, he said when I saw my work all up in lights it would convince me to stay. But when I arrived tonight, I found it a total anti-climax and wanted to flee from the building.

This was actually a perfectly rational response. When I walked into the studio, my heart sunk when instead of my film playing along all happily, an image of the computer's desktop was being projected. I just KNEW when I left at 4 o'clock that it wouldn't be OK when I returned. Oh yes, so much for the easy task of hanging up my book and fine-tuning the computer, five hours later... By far the best thing about today was having a lovely long bath.

Anyway, I got my projector working again but it still didn't make me really happy. But then again, what am I meant to feel? Thinking about it now, I am proud of it and the people who really matter are coming next week so as long as it's working then, then I'll be happy.

This morning when H woke me up at 7.30am, I felt so awful that I didn't think I had the energy to get through the day even if everything went well, which was ridiculously unlikely. I was so tired, my brain hurt and I definitely couldn't have carried out any tasks that required my brain to function (mind you, it has enough trouble normally). So, I went back to sleep until 10am which saved my day.

I took H's projection-holding-contraption (which he made in half an hour the other night) into college and the tutors loved it and didn't want me to hide it away in a box like I'd planned. I think they liked it better than my film! However, not having thought through it's construction properly, I'd forgotten about the projector's power cables so I picked up a hacksaw (I just about remembered what one was, I think I used one in CDT when I was about 12) and cut the side of the wood so my projector would fit in its new house and be able to be plugged in (which is obviously quite important). And to my surprise it worked! My woodwork may not be pretty but at least it does the job.

I'm still having problems with the images I'm projecting but just as I thought I could have a long lie-in tomorrow as it was nearly ready, my tutor told me I couldn't rest the book (which I'm projecting onto) against a plinth, and instead would have to hang it from the ceiling. (I'm not projecting it onto the floor anymore.) And not only that but they expected me to do it there and then at 4.45pm or rather, rush down into town before the hardware shop shut at five to buy some hooks and wire and do it tonight. So I told them "No" in no uncertain terms that I was too tired and was going home.

So my week has been and continues to be pretty stressful but today was loads better than yesterday and when I got home my old boss had emailed asking me to write a comment piece against embryo research, which really happied-me-up.

Today, doing next year's course was back on the agenda but then I remembered what an amazing buzz I get when someone asks me to write an article and it makes me think that I'm not a complete failure as a journalist or human-being.

Now I'm feeling really gross. I've just gobbled down more sweets in the last half an hour than I probably should've done in a week. I was in desperate need of some sugar therapy and it did give me a boost but I think now I'm on the comedown.

College is completely doing my head in and in my normal completely rational way, I feel like never going back there ever, ever, ever again. Anyway, this afternoon I was too tired to stay any longer and too tired to cycle home. Finally, I summoned up the energy to leave and immediately felt soooooo much better.

However, I decided I still needed a major sugar rush but to my horror, the newsagent I stopped at had a totally empty sweet counter. (I mean, a newsagent without sweets or chocolate, what's that about?) I enquired about the shocking state of affairs and was directed to a blue box with about ten bars of chocolate in it. Obviously, I bought one, but what I really needed was some gelatine-based food so even though I was exhausted, I went out of my way to track down some cherry lips and midget gems!

So to matters other than how frustrating setting up a projector is plus the incredibly annoying habit of tutors trying to get you to do what they want rather than what you want, I want to say a big well done to the WI who yesterday returned packaging to supermarkets in a bid to get them to reduce the ridiculous amount they use.

While I'm on items of a news-worthy nature, I think it's absolutely disgusting that Thames Water has announced a 31% rise in profits while missing its target for reducing leakages for the third year in a row. It makes me so mad. grrrrrrrrr.

I really am a bear of very little brain.

Or is that an insult to Winnie the Pooh?

I need to construct, or rather get H to make, he doesn't know this yet and I was hoping it could be done tonight... umm methinks I could be pushing my luck. Anyway, I need to construct a projector-holding-contraption so I can angle the projector so it will project my film onto the floor. Obviously, I should've thought about this before today (with only three days to go before the exhibition opens...).

And being of very little brain, when I got home I realised I'd only measured the length and angle and not the width or height. D'oh. So I rang the IT people at college (who know who I am because I've been up there about 100 times in the last two days asking equally stupid questions) to ask them the model of the projector I'm borrowing for the final show. Luckily they knew.

Then, I spent an hour searching the internet as the model has been discontinued and the information there was about it didn't include the size. Finally I tracked down the dimensions on a cached page. (A handy trick if you can't access a link from a search engine because it's been deleted, click 'Cached' and it will bring up the old page.)

Maybe the reason I never have any time is because it takes me one hour to do something a non-dopey person would have done in five seconds.

Now, all I've got to do is persuade a certain someone to get out his hammer and saw when he comes home. Luckily for me he doesn't like football.

Here's a photo of all us keen walkers just before we took to the hills and dales of Yorkshire on Saturday. Can you spot me?

Actually, it's probably best if you can't 'cos I don't look too trendy.
Mind you, do I ever??

Thanks to all you lovely people who have sponsored me so far. In return for your generosity, I am rewarding you with a step-by-step (get it?) account. Well, one avid reader (of about two) said she wanted to "hear all about it", so here it is...

Firstly, I got picked up by two friendly girls (not picked up, picked up, you understand), one of which turned out to be a physio student. This made me stress a bit in my normal over-reacting sort of way as I thought coughing would betray my CFness and she'd hate me for turning her nice Saturday into a reminder-of-work-day. I had to remind myself that there are other types of physios and that the whole physio-world doesn't revolve around people with cf.

When we got to Gargrave we met by the river and split up into three groups; the six mile people (us sensible ones), 11 miles for the slightly more fit types and 16 miles for the wannabe Duke of Edinburgh Award participants as well as some with an over-inflated view of their fitness.

We all set off on our separate routes with me striding out in front with the leader. This didn't last too long as a hill suddenly appeared and with the sun bearing down on me, I rapidly reduced my pace and panicked that we weren't even a quarter of the way into the walk. Six miles suddenly seemed VERY far.

Luckily at the top of the hill, someone suggested we have a rest and we had a much needed sit down in the shade. Fair trade chocolate eggs were even being passed around and one of those plus some water and Monster Munch revived me enough to stride on through the meadow. There were some friendly cows and calves as well as some lambs who were suckling really aggresively, poor mummy sheep.

There was more shade on the rest of the walk which stopped the heat from being unbearable and thankfully, no more hills. We stopped for lunch by a brook and there were homemade Vietnamese spring rolls and some more chocolate to keep me going. (I might start going on walks more often as they are a great excuse for much chocolate and sweet consumption.) I even made friends with some maths geeks but our conversation halted when they told me they worked with symbols not numbers. All very confusing.

When I came back, H said he wished he'd come. Apparently his phobia of organised walks comes from a walking holiday with his mum when he was 12. It was led by his science teacher who was an ex-army officer and he forced them to practically run 20 miles up and down mountains every day!

Yay! It was a lovely sunny day (but luckily not too hot) and I walked six whole miles to raise money for Oxfam. About 25 of us ambled along a circular route starting and finishing in Gargrave in the Yorkshire Dales. Though I'm very sleepy now and all ready for bed...

But before I do, I have some hot-off-the-press news. Thanks to the positive comments I received on here, I've decided to embrace 21st Century fundraising and have created a justgiving page. Yesterday, I thought that the one or two people who might sponsor me could just send a cheque in the post in a ye olde type of fundraising way but I've realised it's unnecessarily complicated for me (anything for an easier life), you don't get tax back and also I get to create another pretty web page. So, anyway you can sponsor me at www.justgiving.com/lucywalk.

And while you're feeling in a generous mood and visiting the justgiving website you can sponsor (if you haven't already) Angel/Emily/Tinypoppet's (Why have one name when you can have three?) much more impressive feat. Check out www.justgiving.com/emilysangels, which is also featured on the justgiving home page. Hurrah!

Thanks very much. :)

Right, time for some much needed sleep for me.

I'm not very good at this drumming up support and sponsorship lark but thought I should tell the world that I'm doing a walk for Oxfam tomorrow. I'm doing the shortest (six mile) one, which when I looked at the map actually seemed much more than that. Hopefully the worst thing about it will be having to get up ridiculously early. I freaked out when I read the instructions and realised I had to get a train at 08.49am! That's earlier that I get up ever, ever.

Now, luckily, I've been offered a lift (must lift-share to make the most of those nasty pollution-emitting cars) which means I'm getting picked up at nine which is soooooooo much better :).

If anyone would like to sponsor me, all pennies, cheques, gold and silver pieces and magic beans will be gratefully received. The money is going to the Oxfam East Africa Food Crisis Appeal and for development work in East Africa. Thanks x

Why is the news so full of propaganda these days?

Or has it always been like this and I've only just woken up to the fact?


Also, why have red spider mites moved into my house? Surely this isn't good.

I've been let off the cooking on the proviso that I tidy up. As that's what I'm meant to be doing now, I have to post this quickly.

I hope you like this photo of me being a pit girl at the weekend.

I (whoops, am not meant to use 'I') was starting to panic this morning as I thought the old exhausted me had returned due to my extreme sleepiness yesterday and the huge, massive, mammoth effort it took to come to college today. The thought of cleaning the floor didn't appeal much either. (It turns out that my non-cleaning pass was only valid last week).

Weirdly when I got to college, I had loads more energy and got right into the task ahead. It's actually amazingly satisfying scrubbing paint off the floor and with a bit of cleaner, some water, a scourer, rubber gloves and elbow grease, it's surprising how clean you can get it. Umm... maybe I tackled my task with a bit too much gusto as my arm's aching now.

Luckily being oop north it's a bit colder today which is definitely better or maybe I'm feeling OK because I'm in the computer room were there's air conditioning. Hurrah! Bizarrely for me I'm being highly efficient and sensible as I'm writing this while I'm backing up my final project work. (As it's a film it takes up loads of file space and is only saved on the server which is a little bit risky as theoretically anyone could delete it.)

Anyway, huge apologies for my lack of email/telephone communication recently. I'm fighting with that time thing again and am afraid my blog will just have to suffice for now. xx

The heat and I are not getting on so well anymore. It rained a little bit this morning and we had a big thunderstorm this afternoon but it still hasn't cooled down very much. I know I sound like a typical complaining Brit (it's too cold/it's too hot, too rainy/too sunny, it never snows/there's too much snow) but I just can't bear the heat at all. It's sapping all my energy and has left me zombified. I felt it was too hot to go to college today, probably not the best decision I've ever made as this is my final week for doing my film. Eek.

Today was an important day in the development of a me. One of the first things I thought, or more precisely said to myself when I woke up this morning, (I speak to myself a lot - too much, some might say; I really had to stop myself when I realised I was walking down the street doing it...) was: "I must put some washing on, today's a lovely drying day". ???!?!!?!

I mean, where did that come from?

So I think that today marks the day when I finally became a grown-up, well who else says that sort of thing?

Who'd have thought it? High vis jackets are not only incredibly unfashionable and life-saving but they're also handy transportation devices.

H pretty much single-handedly keeps all the delivery companies in Leeds in business and luckily I'm at home a lot to receive his parcels but this time I wasn't. However, instead of having to re-arrange delivery or go miles to pick up a parcel, the delivery person took it to the local Post Office which I thought was ridiculously sensible. Why doesn't everyone do this?

So after my walk with Noodle and getting some provisions for our journey south, I went to pick up the parcel but it wouldn't fit in my bag and I couldn't really carry it. I tried walking with the box balanced on top of the bike but it was too unstable so instead, I managed to put the box through the armholes of the jacket and tie it onto my handlebars. I was a bit unbalanced so I ambled my way down the hill to my house and voila! Mission accomplished.

I was pretty excited to see The Independent's front page yesterday that Britain is in the grip of a cycling revolution. Apparently, trips by bike have increased by 50 per cent in last five years in London. But that's all I learnt as I could only read it quickly in the newsagents as I've banned myself from buying anymore newspapers until I read or recycle the humongous pile in our sitting room. Better pack them up and take them to Brands Hatch (for the rare occasion when I'm not riveted by the racing, of course).

How inconvenient. The Blogger server was down last night so I couldn't post and my blogging is going to be all messed up this weekend as I'm going to Brands Hatch to watch H racing. Here's a pic of H's car (he built it himself y'know, for anyone who doesn't). He assures me that it isn't too bad for the environment because it's very light and has a motorbike engine or something like that. The justification I like the best is that it'’s made mostly from recycled parts!

So here's yesterday's post...

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 07, 2006

Sun, glorious sun. It's been another lovely hot day which us honorary northern-types are relishing because we don't see many Mediterranean-like days up here. H being his normal funny self took his ski-jacket to work again today even though it was boiling hot and there wasn't a fluffy white cloud in the sky. I'm not sure why but he takes it (or one of his many fleeces) everywhere. He even took a fleece when we went to Turkey in August a couple of years ago! Apparently, he uses it as extra pockets for pieces of string and nuts and bolts and ear plugs or whatever it is that boys carry around with them. Umm...I'm not convinced. Whatever the reason, it never ceases to raise a cheap laugh.

P.S. I try not to be judgmental...except about people who read the Daily Mail that is.

No wonder I get so tired, it's mad being me. One day I'm questioning the point in life and the next I'm making lemonade in a jolly fashion like a member of the Famous Five.

I did some work on my film at college today and as I hadn't worked on it for a couple of weeks, I'd forgotten what I'd done. Luckily, it was actually better than I remembered! Then feeling more confident than normal, I had a meeting with my tutor (which I'd been avoiding for weeks) and he was actually pretty enthusiastic about it too. Hurrah! He has even pardoned me from doing anymore cleaning and painting of the studio (in preparation for the exhibition) so I can concentrate on my work. Eek now my work's got to live up to expectation which means... pressure. But I work better under pressure, apparently. At least now, I feel I will have something that's worthy of exhibiting which is more than I did at the weekend when I was seriously questioning why I was inviting people.

And finally, a bit of Tesco-bashing. I liked this from Deborah Orr's column in The Independent on Saturday.

"Am I the only person in the country who feels that Tesco had taken an admirably consistent and honest stand by banning its drivers from displaying the cross of St George? The company does not after all support English farmers, English suppliers or English shopkeepers. Why on earth should it start making an exception now, and being supporting English footballers?"

OK, so maybe it's better to just do things - go to college and go with the flow. Just 'do' rather than think and question and wonder and worry. But if you just 'do' how do you know you're on the right track?

A combination of extreme eyes-hurting-when-open tiredness and big questions about my future left me a bit worse for wear at the weekend. Apparently, I've got choices which I should relish but, as usual, I just feel trapped.

My big question is whether to do my course next year or not? As I've said on this blog before, the second year is aimed at getting you on a degree which I don't want to do... My reasons for doing my course would be to give my life structure and so I don't have to go through the horror of looking for a job which I don't think is good enough. I would probably enjoy it but I'm not sure my heart's really in it. I mean, is this what I want to be doing with my life? Now I'm feeling a bit better maybe I should try and get a part-time job...

Thinking this, last night I decided to search the internet for jobs which was pretty depressing. My enthusiasm waned after about ten minutes of not finding the 'perfect job' which is a pretty difficult task anyway and even more difficult when I don't even know I'm looking for. Also, it brought up all those questions about what job I want to do and more importantly what job I could get both skill-wise (my eternal problem - a journalist who can't spell and doesn't have a clue about grammar) and physically (a whole other can of worms).

By the way, today is World Environment Day which we marked at college by throwing away loads of things which could've been re-used like palettes, jam jars, brushes, paper and wood. We have to clean our studio in preparation for the exhibition and being so ruthless broke my heart, so I just had to pretend I wasn't me and chuck stuff away with the best of them. (Of course, I did smuggle some paper home to recycle!)

Thanks to the lovely Angel (tinypoppet) for her kind words (again). I am feeling better now but am having a strange mood-swingy weekend where one minute I feel fine and the next I feel like everything is rubbish. My poor boyfriend, talk about Jekyll and Hyde.

I am going to read Angel's training blog to stop me making such a fuss about nothing and to be inspired, and I suggest everyone does too, as it's great!

What's the point?

Ways you can make the world a better place...Number nine in a Guardian list a few years ago was "Stop yourself saying 'I'".

This is obviously quite difficult for a self-obsessed person such as myself so I am making the move gradually. My first step is that I am trying really hard not to start all my blogs with 'I'. I hope this goes some way to showing that I am, at least, aiming in the right direction.

Wow! Summer is finally here and I'm writing this while sun-bathing in the house. (I've opened the window right back so all the sun's lovely warmth flows right in and have put some sun cream on so it smells like summer too!)

Before, I became all happy-in-the-sun-like, I was going to write something along the lines of this...

Rewind. I want (need) this week again. I'm not sure what's happened to it but it's gone. Disappeared. Vanished. Finito. I was meant to go into college this week (it's half-term for any grown-up people who might be reading) and catch-up with all my work, but obviously I haven't.

Luckily, someone from my course told me the other day that the final, final deadline for my essay (the one I've been trying to write since I started this blog) was that afternoon. So, I spent the next couple of hours finishing it off. I don't think it actually was the absolute deadline but I'm glad he said that because otherwise I never would've finished it and it'd still be hanging over me. Why, oh why, can I only work under pressure?

So back to this week. Obviously, my mum came which was really good but even though we didn't do that much I was still really tired and then I walked Noodle three days in a row which has pretty much finished me off. How can such a little dog walk so fast?

I think H is really pleased that I'm all Noodle-walked out because my talk about getting a puppy has become a little more regular and less jokey recently. And although he likes Noodle, it's because he sees her as more of a surrogate cat.

Speaking of Kat's, Happy Birthday Miss Lee! xx

**BREAKING NOODLE NEWS**
Well, it's not really breaking but I thought it sounded more dramatic and newspaper-like. Anyway the good, great, fantastic, amazing, wonderful (you get the idea) news is that a decision has been made regarding Noodle's living arrangements...And it's been decided that Noodle is going to live with her mummy in Leeds :). Yay!

There is a bit of bad news too... Well it's bad news for me but good news for Noodle. Noodle gets to live with her mummy as long as they move to a house with a garden so Noodle can play outside in the garden during the day. This will probably mean that Noodle will move further away from me, but I won't start getting upset just yet as buying and selling houses always takes months and months. (WHY does it take so long?)

In the meantime, I will take Noodle out on lots of walks during the day to make up for her lack of garden and the traumatic time she has had recently.