I felt much better last night. An email I'd be waiting for all day came through at about 5.30pm which meant I was able to fire off a few letters and emails before I went which made me feel like I'd actually achieved something. :)

Then on the way home, I decided that I really like the weather, or rather extreme weather. I liked the fact that the bus had to slow down because of the wind. It made me feel that humans are less significant and therefore that I'm less significant and as I'm less significant so are my problems, which means I should be less upset. It also makes me think that actually nature is pretty amazing and we think we're so important and can build roads and bridges and cities and concrete everything but if it wants to, the weather can take it all back.

Really in the big scheme of things we aren't that powerful and for someone who has a lot of issues about power and not having control over my own life, it makes me feel better.

Well, I survived the weekend. It wasn't pretty but at least it's over now. I even made it into work today although luckily there's no one here to ask whether I had a good weekend or what I did. I guess they will ask me tomorrow and I'll give a most grumpy reply but they're probably fed up of asking me if I had a good weekend and me saying: "No" and them not then knowing what to say next. Cue me going all quiet and moody and not really speaking for the rest of the morning.

How can people hide their mood? I just find it impossible, like a child. If I'm happy everyone knows and if I'm sad then that's pretty obvious by the lack of my chatter and grumpy demeanour. I just don't understand how you can be sad and pretend to be happy? I can't.

Anyway, I do feel a bit better today. I've even managed to do some work. Although I'm still not right and not being able to work because your too depressed is very scary.

I just phoned the hospital and it looks like there won't be a bed for me until the end of the week. I'm not liking this limbo.

At least I’m up now. It looked earlier like it wasn’t going to happen. I’ve eaten some food as well and even had a bath.

I was ill last weekend. This weekend I’m depressed. I can tell you what’s worse.

My room’s a mess.

H is going around my head a lot.

I drank some of my landlady’s apple juice that she was taking to her brother’s for lunch. Whoops!

I had cold baked beans for my breakfast.

I’ve been rubbish at taking my meds. I’m hoping the hospital will save me. As if.

What’s going to happen when my contract ends? Where am I going to live? What am I going to do?

What’s it all about?

Well, here am I at work right now but as you can see I'm not doing much work. Although to give work its due, it has, been keeping me sane, as has cycling - although cycling in the rain last week may have been the thing that finished me off.

That and working all weekend lugging boxes of leaflets about and exhibition boards and any other things you can think of that are big and heavy and need moving about. Or it could have been the fact that I had a hugely stressful interview in Birmingham one day and the next I moved house (again) all on my own carrying my stuff in a rucksack and walking up and down the road like a snail. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself at all here.

Then, the next day, I organised an event in town which was umm marginally successful but was another long day which required lots of carrying and then (yes, there's more) I had to do more moving and lugging and sorting as H brought all my stuff round I'd left at his and to be honest I was quite surprised by how much there was. Finally, instead of a quiet week I had a crazy mad work week which I know I should've taken a bit easier but I am using work as a tool to not think about things. Which does actually work fine, until you (or rather me) gets ill that is.

So here I am. Not going to Glastonbury tomorrow as I was meant to be and instead manning the office on my own until the hospital ring me to say they have a bed. I don't know why I was upset about it yesterday - I LOVE being in hospital. Well, I love being in hospital when I'm not very ill and while I'm not that ill now (hospital visit is as much preventative as necessity) I've just realised that IVs are going to be hugely PAINFUL as just taking blood from me is a major endeavour requiring a highly trained specialist, given that I have no veins. Really none.

I am a bit depressed by the fact that I could probably finish my IVs at home but as I technically live on my own, I'm not sure if this would be allowed. Also, I think I'd rather be in hospital than at home, another statement which doesn't bode well for my mental health. Oh well things could be worse, I phoned H yesterday and asked him if I could pay him to come and visit me. He said he'd come for free.

P.S. I'm not sure what happened to the comments before but they're back now. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad (considering my competitive nature).