I'm trying not to spoil the post Hydroactive challenge party but me being me and a self-centered and grumpy me, at that, I'm afraid I have to.

I'm feeling at the moment that I don't even have proper cf as I'm hardly ill with it and yet I make so much fuss about my life you'd think I had more problems than anyone else I know. It's the same old questions: Where am I going? What am I doing? What do I want to be doing? Why am I so unhappy with my life? Where am I going wrong?

Earlier this year, I watched that Monastery Revisited programme and a key question the monks asked the participants was about what they felt they should do with their life and whether they had a vocation or calling. I'm not religious but still think there must be something that I should be doing that suits be better and makes me happier than another thing I could do.

So how do I go about finding out what my vocation is? I've got a book which tells you to 'focus' on your body to find out what your major problem/issue is and by doing this it says you can address the real problem rather than the periphery ones that you think are problems but which are just obscuring the real issue. If you do this, then you can find out what's caused you the most stress in your life, what's important to you and what you really want from life, then you can really start to move forward speedy quick. Obviously I haven't mastered the technique yet but I think I might try it again as I could do with some focus and clarity in my life. The book is a bestseller and has had some good results so it's definitely worth a try. It's seems that searching inside yourself is a good place to look to try and find out who you are and what you want to from life. (Ooh even in my grumpiness, I can be positive. :)). Btw, it's called Focusing: How To Gain Direct Access To Your Body's Knowledge by Eugene T. Gendlin. For more info see focusing.org.

I've just had a bath (at 3pm) which just shows the disastrous way today is going. Also it was a hot, deep bath which probably puts me in a league of water wasters and bans me from any ethical clubs. If I'm not already, that is, as I've probably been outlawed for taking unnecessary flights. Apparently carbon offset programmes are bad because they offer no incentive for reducing carbon emissions at source. Also, there is much uncertainty relating to tree planting being considered as a form of 'offset' because there is no guarantee that the trees concerned will ultimately provide any carbon benefit. This is because the effects of climate change could mean that the trees never mature. Mmmmm. Oh dear, the future looks bleak.

I register at college tomorrow for year two of my course. I'm really not sure it's the right thing to do but I know that the alternative is me having many more disastrous days like today when I find it almost impossible to get motivated and everything is an effort and my life just becomes a meaningless mess.