I'm typing this while still in bed. Ah bliss! But, why oh why, have I never thought of this before? If I get a bit too tired to concentrate on the screen, I can lean back with my head against the pillow and continue to type with my eyes closed. Wow! This actually works amazingly well as I don't make many more mistake than I do with my eyes open!

So here I am, in Leeds and back from all my travels around the country. I definitely had a good week but I have had to field a lot of worries and anxieties and stresses and strains. These things hit me like darts; leaving stabs of doubt and pain in their wake because however much I'm trying to change my patterns of thought, your brain can't suddenly change the way its worked for twenty-odd years.

When I was on the train last night, I was thinking that I could try and write a positive list of all the things I've achieved recently (as opposed to the things I did wrong). I could write how I've been confident and happy meeting new people and managed to hold my own with people who are much cleverer and know much more (I couldn't really know any less) about international affairs. Or I could write about how the other volunteers at Oxfam have been to Oxford or got MAs in international development, or both, have lived abroad and are about five years younger than me, but how rather than making me feel rubbish in comparison like it has done in the past (OK it is still a bit) I'm thinking, I've snuck in the back door, now I'm in a similar position to these people, hurrah! So I'm trying not to think about the future and trying for once to live in the present. I've just got to do my best and make the most of it.

But of course, it's all built on a lie. A not having cf lie.

And lying is apparently bad. This may be obvious to most of you but to me lying, or bending the truth as I prefer to call it, gives me more confidence and enables me to enjoy situations I wouldn't otherwise be able to enjoy. Humans lie all the time and I thought I was just being a normal human but having just read "How to Change your Life in Seven Steps" by John Bird (The guy who started The Big Issue), I've realised that not only am I lying to others but also, and far worse, is that I'm lying to myself.

It doesn't help that I look younger than I am so it's easy to brush away a few years and it's not as if I'm going to tell the truth and say well actually I've done nothing for the past six months.

Also, I know lying is bad because I've been here before. When I started my first proper journalism job I was over the moon and it was one of the best times in my life. I was rushing about interviewing people and being uber-confident and writing stories and loving it but I was also living big lie. I hadn't told them about cf, was petrified of them finding out and sacking me and the chances of me getting ill were greatly increased by the stress trying not to cough too much and having to hide my medicines.

Writing about it now, one of my so-called best times in my life doesn't really seem so great. But it wasn't just cf, I also made out I'd had the life I'd always wanted: a great time at uni; loads of friends; boyfriends at 12 became proper boyfriends; blah, blah, blah. All this time I knew I was making trouble for myself and I knew it couldn't last. When I visualised myself I could clearly see that I was walking on a tower of playing cards; they were swaying as I walked and I knew that sooner or later I'd come crashing down to earth. And, of course, that is what I did, spectacularly.

So, why am I doing it all again? Why am I lining myself up beautifully for another disaster? Why can I not just accept who I am?

I'm no longer riding the cards and know that I have a much more solid foundation now. If there's only one thing I've achieved in the last six years then that's got to be it. My foundation is better because I've accepted a lot of things about myself, but crucially it seems, not cf.

These last few days I've been shown a glimpse of a life that I want and in a way it's not surprising that I've got so many thoughts going round my head. The other reason I came crashing down was because to me my job was everything, well actually it was the only thing I had. I didn't have a social life, or a boyfriend or lots of friends or hobbies, work was it. When doing A levels and at uni, I'd used all my energies to get the grades I wanted and the reason for this was that for some reason my whole life has been based around this vision of me having a wonderfully successful career. I was 23 then, I'd been aiming for goals my whole life, but when was I going to live?

These past few months I've been living more but not working but these couple last of weeks I've been working and I've been happier but I think I can safely say that any if I want some sort of a career, I'll pretty much have to accept that I won't have much of a social life.

But of course, who knows what's going to happen next? I've got a stupid annoying cough right now and while, of course, it's not the end of the world, things aren't exactly certain.

I thought that by writing this I'd arrive at some wonderfully simple conclusion but I'm no nearer that than when I started. I think I'll just do my meds and go to Oxfam on Tuesday and Wednesday and do my job to the best of my ability. Maybe if I do rather than think or plan, the solution will become clear. Or maybe not? But you see, if you're continually fielding your thoughts, if you block things out of you mind, if you push things away without dealing with them, they don't go away but linger around and strike you down when you least expect it. I know, I've been there too many times. And while I haven't come up with a conclusion maybe by writing about my thoughts and fears, I'll slowly come to accept them (and me) and I won't be stuck down by serious depression in a few months' time.