I was just looking at the photo of sweet Beale in her seed tray. Then I started moving the mouse over Beale's fur as if I was stroking her. And then I realised that I will never stroke her ever again. This made me sad.

I'll never be able to stroke her fluffy tummy, or tickle her behind her ears or touch her snowy white soft paws. :(

Wednesday was a horrible day: one of exhaustion and upsetness. Yesterday was better and I was pleased that I was able to function. In fact, I was so surprised by my normalness (even more normal than normal me normal) that I think maybe it hasn't sunk in yet.

I keep going over and over in my mind that I should've done more. I looked on the internet about heart murmurs in cats only after Beale died. Why on earth didn't I do it before? Last year, I went to the vet with Beale and we learnt that she should have aspirin as heart murmurs can cause blood clots. I knew a stroke was a risk but I didn't know about, or rather think, about heart failure. The vet had also asked if she was very tired and stayed in a lot (due to low Oxygen levels, I realise now), which she wasn't and she didn't. I thought this was a silly question as cats sleep all the time anyway and then I forgot about the conversation...until Wednesday.

When I looked on the internet I found that while cats sleep for 16 hours a day when they wake up they should be energetic and running around. Why didn't I read this before? My sister told me Beale had been sleeping a lot over the weekend. I just said: "Are you sure she's alright?" I didn't tell her to go to the vet because I didn't really think twice about it, because Beale always seemed so well. I spoke to Beale on Monday too (I'd often speak to her and Mich on the phone) but I could hardly hear her. Why didn't I use my brain? Why do I never use my brain? I didn't think, why can't I hear Beale loudly tractor purring like normal? I should've made a big poster and stuck it on the wall which said: "IF BEALE SLEEPS VERY A LOT - TAKE HER TO THE VETS ASAP BECAUSE SHE MAY BE SUFFERING FROM HEART FAILURE."

I didn't because I didn't think about Beale being ill, I just thought about me. Look how many blogs I devoted to the pathetic question of whether I was going to do my course or not. Get a grip, I say to myself. Make some decisions and get on with your life. Now.