The postman woke me up early this morning. Well, 8.45am which is early for me. I don't like waking up early, I wish I was still asleep. I've just remembered that going to college means I'm going to have to get up early. I'm not sure how I'm going to achieve that. EEK! It's enrolment tomorrow. It also means I'll have to hand over a large wad of cash. Luckily we pay in installments so if I decide I want to leave the course at anytime, at least I won't have paid for the whole year. Today's my last chance to change my mind (again).

But I'm not very good at quitting courses - I see it as failing and I have enough failure in my life - so starting for me is more like committing for the whole year. And then, in a year's time, won't I just be in the same position that I'm in now? Wondering what I'm doing in my life? Asking what the point in me and my life is? Stressing, grumping, being my normal happy self. It's interesting that I wouldn't be so stressed about starting a job. That's because I'm much better at quitting jobs if I don't like them...umm, what does that tell you about me?

Yep, self-centeredness is a good subtitle for my blog. I try to think about other people and try to make the most of my life but I just find it so difficult. I wish I could be the kind of person who loves life but life for me just consumes so much effort and energy that sometimes I think that the easiest thing to do is sleep.

Last night for example, I dragged myself to a Leeds Friends of the Earth meeting. Seeing as I only have a couple of friends in Leeds and a pretty non-existent social life, I thought I'd go to meet some new people and do some good environmental-type things at the same time. Even though it was only in the centre of Leeds, H drove (which was probably illegal and would've banned us from membership) and even came too. Before coming, he had to do some deep foraging in his t-shirt drawer to find one that didn't have cars or racing on it and wasn't oil branded. In the end he settled for a Vespa t-shirt, which I hope wasn't too offensive.

The people were friendly and the meeting was fairly interesting but after one and a half hours of listening to people talking I was totally exhausted. The problem with these groups is that they always expect you to do loads of things - email and write letters, lobby MPs, organise protests, man stalls. And while I realise that this is the whole point, it just takes so much energy that I don't have.