Thanks everyone for your lovely comments - they made me feel much better and less alone :). After that horrendous day last Friday, I didn't think I'd be able to function at all on Saturday because I was just so exhausted from being ridiculously upset and sleeping badly, but I just about managed to do some tidying up (which was muchly needed) and have never been so happy to be able to tidy up before! And when I was less tired things didn't look so bad - less mountains, more molehills.

But this was a mega busy week, would it be too much for me? I worked half a day on Monday and immediately started feeling ill again (maybe I'm just allergic to work) but on Tuesday, I felt better and was able to go to Newcastle for the day. Although it made me realise that I was v lucky in that I was out of the house for no longer than a normal day. Job problems 1, 2 and 3 have materialised: too much travelling and too many early starts and too much out-of-hours working.

And then there's problem 4: stress. I was meant to be sleeping yesterday morning to recover from travelling and to keep me well for the busyness of this week but I woke up early because I was all agitated. When I got to work I was fine but I just get so worked up about things that I'm making myself ill. Last night I went to a meeting and half way through realised that I had ANOTHER sore throat. Cue sudden panic. "This means I'll get a chest infection tomorrow. I always get a sore throat first. I'll have to have IVs now because I finish my Cipro today for my last infection. Panic, panic, panic. Stress, stress, stress."

Both Henry and my mum are sick of me crying IV wolf. Every time I have the slightest cough I say: "I'll be in hospital tomorrow or I won't be able to do anything this weekend because I'm in hospital." And yet I never am. Why is it that whenever you think you need to go to hospital you never do but when you just absent-mindedly turn up at the clinic without a cf care in the world (OK, never going to happen but you feel that things are sort of going well), they whisk you to a bed before you've got a chance to think?

So what are the chances of me being ill today? Well, any eagle-eyed types among you might have noticed the ridiculously early hour that I'm writing this. Yep after waking up at 4.30am and failing not only to get back to sleep but not to stress either, I decided to get up. Seeing as sleep, and ample amounts of it, is vital for me to function - things are not boding well. Especially as I have to work today and this evening.

I realise that I can't go on like this and although I *hate* playing the cf disability card, I am going to have to ask my boss to make some allowances for it/me. Even though the last few weeks have been really tough, I've been pleased with my work and for, this moment at least, have confidence in my abilities, so will try and negotiate rather than just leave.

And if I need IVs? Yep, I'm still crying IV wolf. Ironically because I haven't had IVs since I've been in Leeds, I'll have to stay in hospital for a few days to start them but I'm looking on the bright side. If you'd told me six years ago (after having two courses of IVs in a month) that I wouldn't need them for this long, I wouldn't have thought it possible. I would have been ecstatic. So if I have to go to hospital, work will just have to wait (this thought is a revelation for me) and I'm trying to be optimistic and block out any thoughts that my great chest years have been wasted by depression...