Part two: Learning.
If you think I've gone mad, which probably you do, then here's why I haven't.

I've just been going through my papers, notes, stuff because I'm having to reconcile myself with the fact that it might be time to move on. The retreat is closing down for ten days and while I can still stay here, Rachel and Jess will be away for some of that period so it won't be so fun. And while there are books for me to read and things to learn, I feel that if I don't go now (not now as in now this second but now this period) I never will. So I've looked into trains to Melbourne and think that in a week or so I will leave. Although I've said that before.

Today it's easier to think of leaving as it's a windy and rainy day and while I'm all snugly by the fire inside, the beach isn't luring me to stay like normal.

This is what I wrote a couple of weeks ago: "It's so exciting, I've finished painting and now am thinking what shall I do before dinner. I have nothing to do! Of course, there are lots of things I want to do but I don't have to tidy up before sitting down. I can just sit and listen to music. My room's pretty tidy, the kitchen's tidy and the sitting room and bathroom are tidy. Yay! What a feeling to not be surrounded by papers and rubbish and mess.

"I've had a lovely relaxing day and spent all afternoon painting and I was so relaxed and happy listening to music. My stomach (which had been bad in the morning) felt much better after I saw Rach and Jess and did some work. Later I ran down to the beach like an over-excited child and then went over to get some white paint so I could paint the crests of the waves and finish my picture.

"So what film tonight?"

As I said yesterday, I've never been so peaceful as an adult. I used to say, I'd give anything to be a child again. Which is obviously both a pretty stupid and negative thing to say. But it was how I felt. So what did I like about being a child? I liked playing or rather the thought of playing as a child; the happiness you experience when you play, the ability to escape into play and not into thoughts. I loved playing. Playing is the best. When I told my friends this, they said, you can play as an adult and that's what you should do. And while this is true, I didn't feel it was the answer I was looking for, it made some sense but not total sense.

So what is the answer? What's so great about being a child? Children live in the now as Eckhart Tolle says we all should. They might be aware of the past and have minimal thoughts about the future but essentially they live in the now. They live in the now because they are totally present, they are not thinking about other things, when they play they are totally playing. They experience the world with an awe and an enthusiasm because it's all new, which is what we should do. Or rather it's what we do as children but lose as we get older. Everything becomes so familiar that we no longer look, we no longer see. Do we ever not do this? When we travel we look at the world afresh, we are much more aware of our surroundings of what's happening, of new people and places. But you don't need to go travelling now, open your eyes and look around you at the things you take for granted everyday. Take a look at nature and marvel at the trees and plants and insects.

Experience now, this second, with every cell in your body and allow, just allow, this moment to be. Stop. Don't think, just feel the moment. Now. Don't think about what you're going to do or what you've done. Just enjoy the moment for what it is. All it is. Don't wish you were somewhere else or doing something else. Don't try and by happy, don't look for happiness, learn to appreciate the moment, learn to live in the moment and you will experience a calm and an inner stillness. Indeed a lightness I never thought I'd be able to experience and from this happiness came. It was just there. And that's all there is to it. Imagine that, a scwillion amazing moments just waiting for you to experience them. Try it.

You think I'm copping out of life? In fact, I'm saying yes to life. I'm not trying to avoid it, I'm not waiting for some better moment to come along, I'm experiencing it for all it is. Do you think children don't live because they don't think like adults? Of course not. And I'm getting my wish to be a child again.