God, I'm having a rubbish day. Another one. I really hate my life but just don't have the energy or imagination to change it. (The swimming honeymoon is over.) There are a couple of things I've set up for next week which might change things but as usual I'll pin too much hope on them and will be left feeling even more disappointed. I'm praying. I don't believe in God, but surely there must be something, surely there must be some reason why I'm going through all this. Life has to have a purpose, doesn't it? There must be a reason for all this pain?

I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, again. But what life is this? Just picking yourself up, again and again. Everything an effort, a mammoth effort. Yes, there are good times but they're not worth THIS.

Yesterday I had salmon and extra cod liver oil. You're probably thinking that's a weird sentence but cod liver oil is the new miracle cure I came up with a few weeks ago when I was on the train, it doesn't seem to be working so well now though. (Then again, we live in hope and I've just swallowed a couple of cod liver oil tablets to try and buck up my mood.)

The theory started something like this... It's not at all original by the way. I was reading (I can concentrate better now) an article about how Omega 3 can help children with behavioural difficulties and I started thinking that I started feeling better in April, a million times better, why? I was taking zinc, and cod liver oil for my stomach and I was feeling better than I'd felt in ages. What could've made me better? The meds or because I was enjoying college more, had started my blog and the sun was shinning. Of course I could be wrong but as I was reading the article I thought about how I'd stopped taking cod liver oil over the summer (my stomach was much better and I'm not very good at taking meds if there are no symptoms) and I had been much more depressed and mood-swingy but, of course, I also didn't have structure to my day as I wasn't at college. So I'd found a correlation between the two, whether or not they are related is another thing. The week I came up with this theory I was also feeling better, and I wondered why? Could it be because I'd had two recent fish meals?

In the past I've been red meat mad and my favourite meal was roast dinner now I much prefer fish. Are my changing tastes my body's way of trying to tell me something? Or is it because I don't like eating animals anymore, especially lambs after you've seen them cutely frolicking in the fields. On that recent Stephen Fry programme about manic depression, he interviewed a doctor who was controlling her illness purely by eating lots of fish. I also remember a Horizon programme a year or so ago about the benefits of people with depression being given Omega 3 supplements. See I told you it wasn't an original idea but it does make sense, apparently our diet today is rich in Omega 6 oils which knocks out the Omega 3 and Omega 3 is needed for serotonin uptake. And guess what? Lack of serotonin equals depression.

So it's got to be worth a shot, especially as I don't think it can do any harm.

But damn, I've done it again. I've managed to dredge us some fighting spirit when I just wanted to escape from it all. Why do I always do that?