I feel so sad.

This is a edited version of something I wrote for the BRI. It's a bit repetitive but explains how I've been feeling and how I made the decision to come home, which I've been cursing since the moment I left Thailand. (Incidentally, it's v weird being back at the BRI after seven years. I had lost over 3.5kg in Thailand and I am having IVs although these are more of a boost because i haven't been taking Pulmozyme for six months and haven't had IVs for years.)

I'm pretty sure the hospital think I've gone insane. Clearly, I have. And then if you read to the bottom you will see the revelation that, actually, it's all my fault and that thought is making me feel even worse, if that's possible? But maybe you already knew this? Maybe you'd predicted it? After all, it's pretty clear from my blogs, isn't it? And so I just think, how could i have been so stupid?

I had reserved a ticket home because I was freaking out that I had a blockage as my stomach wasn't responding to any drugs. Then i found some meds to sort out my stomach which was great but I still wasn't feeling v good as I still had the fever I'd had for weeks. I thought my fever would go when my constipation got better but it didn't and my recovery was not helped by the fact that I couldn't sleep and my mind was racing.

But as I made my stomach better and decided I didn't want the ticket, I 'forgot' in my list of reasons to go/stay (I was trying really hard to write a positive/negative list as i've been so bad at making decisions recently...)that my stomach was the reason I was going home.

I'd been to a Chinese doctor who said I had no energy, was unbalanced and had an incredibly weak immune system and to rest for a few days but instead of following his advice, in my sleep-deprived state I convinced myself that I'd made the wrong decision cancelling my flight, panicked and booked a flight home that day. All night long I'd told myself I'd made the wrong decision and when I woke up I just ran around like a headless chicken not stopping to think for one moment what that decision was or why I'd made it.

I have this problem where I can't remember the reasons why I've decided different things - again it's like I just 'forget' things or that my brain doesn't work. I used to think I was quite intelligent but recently I've decided that I'm not and I certainly don't have any common sense.

This panicky method of making decisions has characterised my whole trip. I usually make a decision, panic and then do the complete opposite. It's like a sort of brain 'fog' and it causes me lots of stress and anxiety.

In Bangkok I realised it was a mistake to come home but my bag was already on the plane so there wasn't much I could do and haven't been able to relax or sleep properly since. I was restless on the plane and since I got home I've been pacing up and down like a caged animal, going over and over things in my mind, so cross with myself that I put all my effort into getting better and now have come home when I'm really not that ill at all.

And now I feel less in control of my health or my medication because I'm in the weird situation where I want to be ill because otherwise why the hell did I come back?

I'm just so cross and angry with myself but having said that when I made the decision to come back I wasn't feeling very well- headachy fever thing/sore throat and had slept terribly. I was exhausted and was finding juggling everything difficult (especially because I was fighting the illness on my own although I had loads of antibiotics so what could any doctor do, and how else do you get rid of a fever without drinking lots? Maybe I should've gone to a doctor but I had in my head from Richard Laing (NZ cf doc) and Daniel (uk cf doc)that they didn't know anything about cf over there.)

I was struggling with water intake, sugar levels, salt levels, food not to make my constipation worse, Klean Prep/Swiff and did I need re hydration tabs with it?, normal cf meds, keeping everything clean (which I wasn't very good at, actually maybe it's a miracle I didn't get more ill).

But why did I abandon my recovery plan? Especially when I was so much better. That's what makes me so annoyed. I'd taken the trouble to see a renowned Chinese doctor who'd given me acupuncture so why didn't I stick to my plan and decide how I felt after I'd followed his advice rather than before? I don't know how long it takes to build up your immune system and I know that it's not ideal to be in Thailand with such a rubbish one (Richard had told me a horror story about that) and I did have a sore throat so maybe it was good that I left. And it was only when I got to Bangkok that my fevery/headache thing went and I did think I'd be more ill on the plane.

The problem is this; I'd decided when i went to bed one thing (to stay and get better) and then I woke up thinking, and doing, the complete opposite. I just had this over-powering ridiculously loud voice in my head repeating over and over again all night long so I couldn't sleep: YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION (to stay).

So as far as bad decisions in Thailand go, this is by far the worst. It's the worst because I feel i didn't have any control over it, because it was the wrong, because I'm just not ready to be back but mostly becuase I feel that i abondoned the race with the finish in sight. I know it sounds stupid but I didn't think that coming home would be the end of my trip. And I don't want it to be the end of my trip.


So i'm freaking out thinking that I'm not going to get over this ever that I feel so awful and can't sleep and regret coming home and wasting all that money on a flight i didn't want and I started talk to my mum and basically we work out that my anxiety started to increase as soon as i cut down and then stopped taking my ADs on ki/melb and got worse and worse thru nz and thailand. It's just going over and over in my mind-what WAS i thinking?

In my defence, I hated the horrendous night sweats and vivid dreams and think i need less sleep without them and was the happiest i've ever been in my life and couldn't imagine a time when I wouldn't be happy, but still... And I thought i was ok because I wasn't depressed and never associated stress or anxiety with them.but now i keep thinking that i've ruined my trip by not taking them and why didn't i THINK they might've helped or take them here or re-start them there. And if i'd taken them then i would've been able to sleep better and would've got better and maybe not made so many stupid decisions and been less anxious and still been out in Thailand having fun.

And as i said if you look through my blogs, the increase in stress is as clear as clear can be. Why didn't/couldn't i see it? And then i think a million and one thoughts about how i should have done things differently and I tune into the 'i can't believe I came home' negative thought pattern only to be superceeded later in the day by the 'I can't believe I came off my ADs' and so it goes...