Lucyism

2008-10-31T16:09:00.002Z

Well, here I am having temporarily relocated to London for a few weeks. I went to the Ski show last weekend as my friend Kat had a stand there and I remembered how much I used to like skiing - before I became overly-green and anti-ski...Not sure where I stand on that now as I've remembered how much FUN skiing is! Anyhow, I’ve just about survived my first week here and it was lovely that my Grandpa happened to be in town visiting for a few days so I went out for a lovely meal with him :).

However, unfortunately after arriving in London and being exposed to lots of unfamiliar bugs, I seemed to catch one of them... but hopefully (fingers crossed), the eating of lots of Tunes and drinking plenty of orange juice and green tea and honey seems to have done the trick. Plus the copious amount of sleep and extra antibiotics…

After feeling pretty sick on Wednesday, I saw my friend Elena yesterday who brought me round extra-specially yummy freshly squeezed orange juice from the lovely Waitrose, as well as chocolate, pumpkin seeds and a book. She expected me to be half-dead on the sofa but seeing her made me feel much better and we went out for a nice meal.

Tomorrow I am hopefully seeing my uni friends again (the ones who came to see me in Bath) including my friend Ruth who I haven’t seen SINCE uni! I hadn’t spoken to her for years either but I spoke to her last night and it was like we had never lost touch so I’m looking forward to that lots.

I have also been up to Leeds since I last wrote and caught up with some friends there including Vanessa (whose dog Noodle I used to walk) which was most lovely indeed so I’m doing much better at keeping in touch with people – I could hardly be any worse than I have been!

Finally, I heard today that my cat Mich went to the vets for his annual check-up and passed with flying colours so I’m very happy about that.

And finally, finally Rob who used to live with me in Leeds and who I visited in Australia got married to Anu last weekend. I met Anu in Australia and she was lovely – I’m sure they’ll be very happy together and I wish them lots of love and happiness in their future lives together. xx

2008-10-14T16:19:00.002+01:00

Last week, I went to Birmingham to spend a couple of days with my cousin and her little 'un Amelie. I even went to Rhythm Time and got to play a few instruments (Well when I say instruments what I mean is a shaking a multiple-bell-thingy) as I was a bit sad because there weren't enough glockenspiels for me and the kids - it seems, strangely, that they had priority over me. Although no one seemed to think that it was that weird for me to be there without a child of my own.

However one lady at the 'Bumps, babies and beyond' group the next day said that I was very brave for attending without my own offspring as when she first went, she couldn't believe how anyone could cope with the noise...I didn't mind though as there were some very cute kids and I got to play with the toys.

2008-10-07T12:29:00.002+01:00

I can't believe another week has almost past and it's time for me to go and be creative with clay and glaze again. I always find it weird the way the colour of the glazed ceramic is so different from the colour of the glaze you put on but then I guess that's just the way it is. I hope some of the little animals I've been making have been fired as I'm feeling quite inventive today...

Last week, I went swimming and swam nearly a WHOLE width under water. I went with my new friend Ali which was really nice. I've been trying to do some more exercise and yesterday I even went for a walk on the beach. It was Weston, so obviously the sea was miles out but it was nice to feel the sand beneath my feet (shoes). The pier is still a crumpled burnt mess but the new designs are pretty cool so hopefully they should be able to come up with something nice or hopefully even spectacular or amazing to replace it.

I also saw my old friend Katie on Friday, who I haven't seen her for ages, and her little baby Rosie "bear" (how cute is that?), so that was really lovely too.

2008-10-01T10:22:00.004+01:00

Hello there,
Well here I am, back after my country-wide adventures. I enjoyed the nice sunny weekend especially as it was my grandparents 66th wedding anniversary on Sunday, 66 years together, can you believe that? They made the lovely chicken lunch (although there seems to be something intrinsically wrong with making your own meal on your big anniversary but we did make an apple cake with lots of yummy apples from the garden so it sort of works out fair...)

This week I went to my pottery class yesterday and today I'm going swimming although now I might just go and make the most of sitting in the sun before it goes away...

p.s. Here's a pic of me doing the cultural thing outside Thomas Hardy's cottage in Dorset last month.

2008-09-25T13:11:00.002+01:00

More busyness. After my fun time in Dorset I spent a few days at home before going to Sheffield to stay with my auntie and uncle. It was freezing cold when I first got to Sheffield and I started to freak out a bit especially as my uncle wore a woolly hat to the allotment which was slightly worrying and made me think that winter was well and truly here. I couldn't believe I hadn't brought my coat - especially when I've been wearing it all summer... Luckily I borrowed one of my cousin's, which she had left at home, but after that first night it wasn't too freezing at all. Hurrah!

I had fun in Sheffield and even went to a yoga class which was good. I haven't been to a proper yoga class since, well, Oz... I did go to one the other day in Weston but it was more like a very, very gentle exercise class which didn't really make me feel like I'd achieved anything - nothing like the hardcore Bikram yoga I'd done in Melbourne.

After Sheffield I went to Leeds for a few days - it was lovely to catch up with my Leeds friends and I hadn't realised how much I'd missed it. I met up with Tyne, one of my old colleagues, and we made fairy cakes for a leaving party. We even made the cakes without scales - who'd have thought such a crazy thing was possible?! The party was really nice and it was lovely to see my old boss and his friends. And the cakes tasted pretty good too despite the fact that there was supposed to be the same amount of sugar and flour and there clearly wasn't, as told by the quantities left in the packets...

I also caught up with lots of people I knew from Chapel Allerton - friends from the Oxfam group and my old landlady. It made me miss Leeds LOADS...

Now I'm continuing my route around the country and am hanging out at my friend Kat's flat near Wimbledon which is very lovely indeed. I've also been very spoilt as I saw my friend Joanna who brought me lunch one day and that evening, I had dinner at my friend Rebecca's lovely flat in Ravenscourt Park which is most pretty too. And the next day, I caught up with Fiona another ex-colleague of mine. In fact, I carried her rather large mosquito net with me during all my travels and didn't use it once - it reminded me of her tho. ;)

So loads of people and lots of things happening. Including a move to London in the near future...eek!

2008-09-12T15:04:00.005+01:00

I've just spent a nice couple of days away in Dorset with my auntie and uncle, my cousin Becky, her husband Steve and their little 'un Amelie. Hopefully there'll be some pictures of us soon but in the meantime here is a pic of me and my mum with Elsa, my other first cousin once removed (or something like that). It was lovely to meet her and see her parents. Elsa came and played at my Grandparents in the summer before moving from Sweden to Norway - how very exciting and how very well travelled for someone so young.

Other exciting things that have happened is that I saw my uni friends who came to visit me for lunch in Bath. That was really lovely and I just couldn't believe it was so long since I last saw them.

Also, Grace, my Goddaughter, has just started school. How very exciting! Although I haven't seen her for a while, I can't wait to see her again soon.

2008-08-31T19:42:00.002+01:00

Well I haven't blogged for a while - although obviously you can see that. Thought I'd start again. Let's see what the autumn has in store. Things have been a bit crazy but are getting more normal now; after being ill, I have been helping look after my Grandma who isn't very well and helping my Grandpa.

Yesterday I went to a green festival and so am now stepping up my greenness which has (to my shame) fallen off my radar a bit.

So hello to greenness and hello to me (again).

2008-04-24T09:46:00.003+01:00

I'm writing this as a window of 'Lucy normality' has just appeared. Strange really as I had no sleep at all last night. That's despite the large dose of Temazepam which I'm on. Ironic really considering how much I used to sleep (but that's another story).

So, could this be the end of the nightmare?

Fingers crossed.

I seem to have reacted idiosyncratically to every drug I've been given - and i've been given a lot. Drugs to stop side effects from drugs, which isn't so great and leads to more confusion and muddle and my body being pulled apart like an old rag doll. So it's all been very frustrating and annoying.

And i've had windows of normality before only for them to have been superseded by intense periods of loonness (yes, politically incorrect, I am). So who knows? I guess if I post again soon things will be on the up and if not, i'm just lost in the dark for a bit longer...but I WILL return.

2008-04-11T10:00:00.002+01:00

Hello world. It's me, Lucy.

I'm nearly back.

I'm showing signs of progress, apparently.

What's happened since i came home? Basically it's been a complete disaster. I've sort of had a drug-induced breakdown.

I reacted to the drugs in hospital; to the IVs, to the ADs. And circumstances meant that i took the ADs for too long and then was told just to stop them (instead of coming off them slowly) so suffered awful withdrawal effects too. It was horrendous. It still is quite horrendous.

Like anything that goes wrong, there's a million little things that happen for it to go wrong - otherwise it would be OK. It should never have happened. This is what i keep saying and everyone just tells me that there's no point in saying it. But i just keep saying it anyway.

I can accept coming back from Thailand now but I'm finding it very hard to accept that the past six weeks (the worst of my life) have been drug-induced. That feeling so awful and so ill has been so unnecessary. I know that my state of mind didn't help and apparently my reaction was an idiosyncratic one, but still...it's so hard to accept, all of it.

2008-04-01T17:32:00.004+01:00

Well that was the month that wasn't.

Hence the lack of blogging.

It consisted of the two worst weeks of my life - both caused by side effects of drugs and two not so great weeks also caused by evil meds.

And, although the drugs are still making me feel a bit weird, I am feeling better. Hurrah!

It's a bit ironic that i go travelling for six months and am pretty fine and then come back and get really ill; my poor body.

In fact, my body is mentally and physically exhausted now and I'm just really hoping that i'm going to be OK. I'm trying to keep a lid on things but feel like the side effects are the final straw although the drugs should be nearly out of my system now. And so by Tuesday I should have a better picture of how things are. Fingers crossed.

2008-03-03T10:11:00.009Z

I feel so sad.

This is a edited version of something I wrote for the BRI. It's a bit repetitive but explains how I've been feeling and how I made the decision to come home, which I've been cursing since the moment I left Thailand. (Incidentally, it's v weird being back at the BRI after seven years. I had lost over 3.5kg in Thailand and I am having IVs although these are more of a boost because i haven't been taking Pulmozyme for six months and haven't had IVs for years.)

I'm pretty sure the hospital think I've gone insane. Clearly, I have. And then if you read to the bottom you will see the revelation that, actually, it's all my fault and that thought is making me feel even worse, if that's possible? But maybe you already knew this? Maybe you'd predicted it? After all, it's pretty clear from my blogs, isn't it? And so I just think, how could i have been so stupid?

I had reserved a ticket home because I was freaking out that I had a blockage as my stomach wasn't responding to any drugs. Then i found some meds to sort out my stomach which was great but I still wasn't feeling v good as I still had the fever I'd had for weeks. I thought my fever would go when my constipation got better but it didn't and my recovery was not helped by the fact that I couldn't sleep and my mind was racing.

But as I made my stomach better and decided I didn't want the ticket, I 'forgot' in my list of reasons to go/stay (I was trying really hard to write a positive/negative list as i've been so bad at making decisions recently...)that my stomach was the reason I was going home.

I'd been to a Chinese doctor who said I had no energy, was unbalanced and had an incredibly weak immune system and to rest for a few days but instead of following his advice, in my sleep-deprived state I convinced myself that I'd made the wrong decision cancelling my flight, panicked and booked a flight home that day. All night long I'd told myself I'd made the wrong decision and when I woke up I just ran around like a headless chicken not stopping to think for one moment what that decision was or why I'd made it.

I have this problem where I can't remember the reasons why I've decided different things - again it's like I just 'forget' things or that my brain doesn't work. I used to think I was quite intelligent but recently I've decided that I'm not and I certainly don't have any common sense.

This panicky method of making decisions has characterised my whole trip. I usually make a decision, panic and then do the complete opposite. It's like a sort of brain 'fog' and it causes me lots of stress and anxiety.

In Bangkok I realised it was a mistake to come home but my bag was already on the plane so there wasn't much I could do and haven't been able to relax or sleep properly since. I was restless on the plane and since I got home I've been pacing up and down like a caged animal, going over and over things in my mind, so cross with myself that I put all my effort into getting better and now have come home when I'm really not that ill at all.

And now I feel less in control of my health or my medication because I'm in the weird situation where I want to be ill because otherwise why the hell did I come back?

I'm just so cross and angry with myself but having said that when I made the decision to come back I wasn't feeling very well- headachy fever thing/sore throat and had slept terribly. I was exhausted and was finding juggling everything difficult (especially because I was fighting the illness on my own although I had loads of antibiotics so what could any doctor do, and how else do you get rid of a fever without drinking lots? Maybe I should've gone to a doctor but I had in my head from Richard Laing (NZ cf doc) and Daniel (uk cf doc)that they didn't know anything about cf over there.)

I was struggling with water intake, sugar levels, salt levels, food not to make my constipation worse, Klean Prep/Swiff and did I need re hydration tabs with it?, normal cf meds, keeping everything clean (which I wasn't very good at, actually maybe it's a miracle I didn't get more ill).

But why did I abandon my recovery plan? Especially when I was so much better. That's what makes me so annoyed. I'd taken the trouble to see a renowned Chinese doctor who'd given me acupuncture so why didn't I stick to my plan and decide how I felt after I'd followed his advice rather than before? I don't know how long it takes to build up your immune system and I know that it's not ideal to be in Thailand with such a rubbish one (Richard had told me a horror story about that) and I did have a sore throat so maybe it was good that I left. And it was only when I got to Bangkok that my fevery/headache thing went and I did think I'd be more ill on the plane.

The problem is this; I'd decided when i went to bed one thing (to stay and get better) and then I woke up thinking, and doing, the complete opposite. I just had this over-powering ridiculously loud voice in my head repeating over and over again all night long so I couldn't sleep: YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION (to stay).

So as far as bad decisions in Thailand go, this is by far the worst. It's the worst because I feel i didn't have any control over it, because it was the wrong, because I'm just not ready to be back but mostly becuase I feel that i abondoned the race with the finish in sight. I know it sounds stupid but I didn't think that coming home would be the end of my trip. And I don't want it to be the end of my trip.

So i'm freaking out thinking that I'm not going to get over this ever that I feel so awful and can't sleep and regret coming home and wasting all that money on a flight i didn't want and I started talk to my mum and basically we work out that my anxiety started to increase as soon as i cut down and then stopped taking my ADs on ki/melb and got worse and worse thru nz and thailand. It's just going over and over in my mind-what WAS i thinking?

In my defence, I hated the horrendous night sweats and vivid dreams and think i need less sleep without them and was the happiest i've ever been in my life and couldn't imagine a time when I wouldn't be happy, but still... And I thought i was ok because I wasn't depressed and never associated stress or anxiety with them.but now i keep thinking that i've ruined my trip by not taking them and why didn't i THINK they might've helped or take them here or re-start them there. And if i'd taken them then i would've been able to sleep better and would've got better and maybe not made so many stupid decisions and been less anxious and still been out in Thailand having fun.

And as i said if you look through my blogs, the increase in stress is as clear as clear can be. Why didn't/couldn't i see it? And then i think a million and one thoughts about how i should have done things differently and I tune into the 'i can't believe I came home' negative thought pattern only to be superceeded later in the day by the 'I can't believe I came off my ADs' and so it goes...

2008-02-28T09:35:00.002Z

There was never any doubt that there was a seat for me on the plane-i wish there had've been. i realised i'd made a mistake when i was sitting in the lounge at Bangkok airport.

2008-02-26T15:50:00.001Z

Have just found all the nice free food and drink. :)))am thinking this might be another stupid decision and maybe we should've just gone and stayed in an expensive hotel...i read in a travel health book about the benefits of doing that...

2008-02-26T14:44:00.003Z

OK. it's all gone a bit wrong. but here i am in the business lounge at Bangkok airport which has FREE internet access and is so v exciting and cheering me up. Also the fact that i am in the business class lounge becuase i'm waiting to see if my 'world traveller seat' is available as the world traveller section of the plane is overbooked and as i was the last person to book, i get to hang out here and wait to see what seat i have. Also obviously i'm totally lowering the tone of the lounge in my crumpled trousers and hoody, both with holes in them.

So yes, i'm going home. now it seems a bit of an over-reaction as i feel better than i have done in ages...

Basically i've made one million bad decisions and i've slept terribly since i've been in thailand and just haven't been able to get over anything. i've had this fevery headache thing for about three weeks now (altho i've had a couple of days when things have been better) which started just before the trek (which probably constitutes one of the worst decisions i've ever made altho, again, what made it worse was that i couldn't sleep on it) and last week i had a fever so bad i honestly thought i was going to die and was scared to go to sleep in case i didn't wake up.

Think also i stayed at you sabai too long thinking it was relaxing and i could get better there and while i did get better for about a day, i got sick again-my stomach was completely messed up (that was my fault as i just wasn't paying it the attention it deserved - forgetting how constipation is a serious problem for me). I'm not sure how these things are all linked but i guess they are. anyway i got complacent and over-confident when in reality i was shattered when i got to Thailand.

The reason i'm here now is that i can't sleep at all. i went to see a chinese doctor y'day and he said that my immune system was really, really weak and told me to do nothing but rest for three days but i couldn't, last night i just stressed and stressed. basically i've lost too much weight, have no energy and as the good doctor said, my immune system is shot - i just don't have the energy to fight any bugs should they try to attack me. also my stomach was proving really difficult to manage altho i did find some good meds in the pharmacy there and i've had enough of feeling headachy and dizzy.

Y'day i decided not to come home and i was thinking that that was a terrible decision (because today's ticket cost about 200pounds more although i'm less cross about this because if i don't get my allocated seat i get money back and also i'm getting these nice perks including rapid transit through passport control) because when i went to the travel agent to ask them for the next flight out it wasn't for a week and i panicked. I know you can get standby tickets but i didn't want the hassle as i had to fly down from Chiang Mai as well and obviously i am actually ill. also i don't have a credit card at the moment. (more me getting too stressed and not sorting out stuff properly)

Probably i should just be glad i'm not more ill -altho i have a flight to london to catch so i should probably keep quiet about that.

As i said to my sister when i thought i was dying. I don't regret going to Thailand. i'm really glad i went and i'm really glad i went on this trip-it's by far t he best thing i've ever done in my life and now all i have to do is tell the tale

2008-02-18T11:03:00.002Z

Hello from this cool place called You Sabai . We came here last Monday for the cooking course -which lasted for three days -but i was ill and didn't do any cooking so we're still here. my chest was a bit bad (a nice doctor who was also doing the course gave me some oil of oregano which seemed to work really well) but really that fever thing i had came back and wouldn't shift. i'm feeling much better now though and am doing the cooking course this week instead.

this is a good place to rest though as you can just chill at the cafe (the cafe is really cool and provides a place to hang out for the peeps doing the earthen building course down the road or rather track(which is where i'm emailing from, i'm tempted to come back and do the course next year-earthen houses are so much better than normal houses-why do we all pay squillions of pounds for houses when we could build our own much cheaper and more sustainably?))

Or if you don't want to be sociable you can sleep in a bamboo hut all afternoon which captures the little breeze there is (as long as no one else is in it).

We're living in an earthen house which is pretty cool and yesterday i did our washing by stamping on it in a bucket which worked surprisingly well-the cleanest clothes i've had for ages.

We've met lots of nice people and been swimming in some nearby lakes. There are lots of rice paddies around you have to walk through them to get to the little village. so pretty cool and am feeling much better-physically and mentally. there are lots of spiritual books here so i'm trying to recapture my ki positiveness. currently i'm learning about water crystals and how they respond to words and pictures...

2008-02-11T04:35:00.000Z

A belated hello from Thailand. I can't believe i've been here for ten days but there you go. time flies when u are having fun and/or stressing and/or not sleeping...yes it's still the same old me and i am completely doing my head in. why can't i be normal??? i want to be someone else again-i'm just annoying. as is this computer as lots of the keys don't work v well hence the even worse than normal grammar.

anyway i loved bangkok - i felt like i was michael palin and in a travel programme thus really travelling as asia is soooo different (with apologies to nz and australia). we were there for a couple of days before heading north to chiang mai. we got the overnight sleeper train and i had the best night sleep i've had here!

after one night, i went on a 24hr buddhist meditation retreat. i loved it at first and thought it was the best thing i've ever done in my life but the next morning we had to get up at 5am and i was too tired to concentrate on the meditation. when i got back to where we were staying at about 2pm i rested and then fell asleep abou 5pm - i then slept for the net 24hours as i had a bit of a fever.

however we are going on a cooking course later today and we wanted to go on a 3 day trek so dosed up on paracetomal we went to book it. not sure if it was a good idea or not but my body exceeded all expectations and i had a really good time (despite the fact that i was so stressed about taking every medicine you can think of on the trek that i forgot my fleeces and slept terribly as it was freezing).

The walking was easy and the tour guide really nice and we met up with different groups of people an went swimming by waterfalls and bamboo rafting and elephant riding and stayed in hilltribe villages and had camp fires and hung out with the local hill tribe people. yay!

*********

Thanks everyone for your lovely birthday messages...have never not wanted a birthday so much and not sure i like being 30 at all. I met a girl in nz who was 34 but she said it just felt wrong saying she was 34 as she didn't look like it and didn't feel it. that's what i feel like. no one believes me and i don't want them too. seeing as i was premature i've decided to stay 29 until March 11 or whenever it was i was meant to be born, not sure what i'm goig to do after that...

2008-01-31T01:45:00.000Z

Well hello from Melbourne. Before you start getting confused, I have a few hours here before my connecting flight to Thailand. I thought it was going to be horrible being here (time between flights is six hours) but it's really quiet and I managed to sleep and do my nebs and drink lots of water - and, even blog. shock. Sorry for the lack of emails/blogs but i've been finding it quite difficult to fit everything in. Also i've realised that i have been ridicously stressed and the last couple of days really prooved that.

I was shattered when i arrived in Chch and when i went to the hospital on monday, I had decided that i wasn't going to go to Akoroa as it was too much and should just spend a couple of days chilling by the river. The docs agreed but as so often on my travels, which could account for some of my stressfulness, i completely changed my mind. I'd made a decision and then decided to do the complete opposite.

This time it totally worked out. I got the shuttle to Akoroa and thought i'd just get a hostel when i got there but the two in town were full. At this time i was starting to panic a little bit but i knew there were hostels around that could pick me up. I went into the tourist info and a French girl was going up to a farm hostel, i asked the tourist lady to see if they could take me too...and they could.

Sophie, from France, was lovely as was everyone at the hostel and when i got there i told the guy who owns it that i could cry because it was so beautiful and i'd only wished i'd found it before. I thought i could only stay one night becuase i had to pick up some meds but after muchly stressing (which wasn't really needed) I worked out i could stay two nights.

So much for my relaxing, I played volleyball (v badly), went for a four hour walk (which seems nothing now as i've been walking laods-altho i get really out of breath going uphill but lung function tests show that it's because i haven't been taking my DNase (not enough refridgeration and no way anyone overseas would prescibe it for me as it's sooo much money) anyway apart from that all's good and at least i know the reason why i get more out of breath, and last but not least went dolhpin swimming.

Last night i went to stay with Averil who is the Servas host i stayed with at first. She was lovely and took me to the airport this morning.

Hopefully i'll see susie in a few hours. yayyyyyy!

2008-01-26T04:07:00.000Z

Mount Cook was good. Staying in Chch for a couple of nights then going to Akoroa. Ahh no credit left!

2008-01-23T04:09:00.000Z

Much less stressed today thank goodness - don't know what was the matter with me yesterday. Am back in Queenstown for the night and am staying with some people I met at a hostel and then hopefully the Stray bus will remember to pick me up tomorrow morning and take me to Twizel so I can go to Mount Cook for a couple of days. Need to be in Christchurch for Monday as I have a hospital appointment (which they've made especially for me - the lovely nz cf docs), then am thinking of going to Akoroa for a couple of nights before flying out on Thursday 31st. Not long now and I meet my sis in Thailand. Woohoo!

2008-01-22T07:50:00.000Z

Hi everyone, I'm in Wanaka at the moment. I've pretty much completed my trip of the south island but am getting really stressed about days and the time i have left. I've sort of planned what i want to do but it's like i have no control over my feelings - i just work myself up into such a panic about things and then stress that i should have done other things - guess i haven't changed at all really.

When i first came to nz i said i had no desire to sight see and while i have done quite a bit of sightseeing and have had some good times, nothing in Nz comes anywhere close to what i had on Kangaroo island- the peace and stillness and happiness. I guess it just goes to show that it's true what the Buddhists say that true happiness comes from within.

The weirdest thing about this is that I'd say i actually like nz better as a country, although now I've got so used to all the beautiful scenery that i don't really appreciate it anymore.

What i also think is really important is working. I never realised before how important it is to do different jobs and the sense of accomplishment and achievement you get from doing different work and the confidence it gives you - i think I've missed that here.

Stray was good because it got me to Abel Tasman and i met some nice people but I've missed some of the people i met on Stewart Island and at Lake Tekapo. It's weird how you just click with some people and others, even though they are perfectly nice and you get on with them ok, just don't have so much fun or feel so comfortable in their company.

Hanging out with people my own age, or 20-30 bracket, has always been my biggest fear. That's why when i first came to nz i stayed at YHAs after Stewart Island i started staying in backpackers and preferred them and also starting talking to more people my age. Stray was all young people and i still find chatting to people my own age most difficult. I've realised that to be good in a group you have to be a good storyteller and I've not very good at that but while i sometimes didn't feel 100 per cent confident in the group, it didn't make me feel half as bad as it would have in the past. I guess I'm accepting myself more - definitely cf , I've never felt as comfortable with it as i do now and also how i interact with other people and am more accepting if i don't get on with some -realising that maybe we're just different, rather than that they hate me, as i used to think!

2008-01-17T04:54:00.000Z

Am having a great time with Stray bus (www.straytravel.com) which i joined last week. Have been in Abel Tasman which was awesome. Just a quickie to let you know I am safe, well and happy.xx

2008-01-11T08:37:00.001Z

OMG I met Phillip Bell in the Lake Tekapo backpackers last night! For those who don't know him he was in my sister's year at primary school and lived in our village - of about 2,000 people (although probably less in those days and i think there were probably only about five boys who started primary with her...). How strange is that?

He was looking at me a few times and i thought it was because i'd been taking about cf. I have decided it is by far the most interesting thing about me and now have no problem telling people about it when they comment on my cough (which is much better now thanks to a cocktail of drugs) or do my nebs in front of them. Can't believe i was so horrible about my ineb when i first got it - there's no way i could have done this trip without it. Well i could've but it would have caused me much more stress and i would have missed it more and so been more ill. So hurrah for the ineb.

Anyway when i walked past he said, are you Lucy? yes Lucy Glynn? And i was in shock and just stared at him as i didn't have a clue who he was. It was really nice to talk to him though especially as he said he'd always liked my mum as she was really 'mummy'. And it was cool seeing him to talk about primary school and village people as i have been feeling a bit home sick.

2008-01-10T06:17:00.000Z

Was majorly stressing earlier like old me x100 (if that's possible) actually probably just normal old me but it feels pretty bad and i don't like it. Feeling much better now as i'm at Lake Tekapo which is just so beautiful. I won't even try and describe the colour of the lake to you as it won't do it justice but it's the most amazing turquoise. Thanks to Christine for suggesting I didn't miss it out. We went up the hill for a walk and i've met some nice people. yay!

2008-01-05T04:39:00.000Z

Am staying at this cool place called Kinloch Lodge, Glenorchy which is right at the top of Lake Wakatipu. I extended my stay here before i'd even got off the little boat and now i've asked to stay even longer - i would wwoof here if i could but you can't only wwoof in winter (it's so busy in the summer they need people with work permits). Tomorrow, I'm going to go for a little walk into the mountains and am going to stay in a Department of Conservation hut like a proper tramper (NZ word for hiking).

This computer is really annoying -read driving me mad -so sorry for the short email. Also if anyone is under the false impression that i have had a personality transplant - i haven't. i keep stressing about everything and anything and finding things to replace the stressing once i've stopped stressin, mostly about what i'm going to do next. what am i like? as if that's a problem? i'm trying to tell myself to chill.

2008-01-02T12:46:00.000Z

NZ pics (including the Jurrasic fern I discovered on Fortrose beach with Christine) are at: http://picasaweb.google.com.au/lucyhglynn/NZ

2008-01-01T03:34:00.000Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Went out last night dancing in Queenstown which was cool and yesterday I went to Milford Sound.

2007-12-29T09:30:00.000Z

Te Anau: sweet.

The backpackers is right next to the lake which I can see from my bed (If i turn my head around). This is apparently one of the cheaper rooms but i think i've done pretty well. The lake is awesome and so still and peaceful tonight. Earlier I swung on the swing which someone has tied to a tree right next to the lake. (I'm building up a collection of great swings; Governor's Bay overlooked the beach, Halfmoon Bay on Stewart Island and a rope swing (tested on on Christmas day) on Ulva Island.

This evening I cooked some mussels on the barbie with the help of a nice Canadian guy; we'd all picked some mussels from the rocks on the bus ride (Bottom Bus again)up here. I was the first person on my tour to try a raw mussel (not many people did) which i thought tasted pretty much the same as a cooked mussel just a bit colder but as no one else wanted theirs either then or later, i took them home for my tea. Hurrah! I mixed up some lemon and melted butter and salt and pepper (as the guy had told me) and poured it into to the mussels just before they cooked. It was yummy.

We also stopped off on a farm on the way up and did some farm-y type things like feeding lambs and sheep and saw the sheep being round up and some people (including a guy from Congresbury (1 mile from where i grew up for non-Somerset types) sorted them into woolly and sheared. I also had another go at shearing (only four out of 16 people tried it)- I'm not sure I was any better this time but at least i didn't cut the poor ewe although that was probably because the blade was rounded off.

Stewart Island was amazing and was so busy having fun with my new found friends that i forgot that one of the main reasons i wanted to go there was to see the kiwi! We did go out at night to try and look for it but I think our loud talking and singing well and truly scared it off.

P.S Sorry for the lack of individual emails/msgs but thanks to everyone who has sent me one including those anonymous anonymous people who are err anonymous!

2007-12-25T00:22:00.000Z

HAPPY CHRISTMAS from the roaring forties! Have been to Ulva Island this morning and saw lots of pretty birds and a massive elephant seal on the beach which was quite special. Have a great day! xx

2007-12-23T10:41:00.000Z

Yay have had a fun day chilling out on Stewart Island. Have made some new friends and we are planning on cooking a big Christmas lunch in the backpackers. We went to a community Christmas party today where we got lots of yummy food and Richard (my hostel friend) baked a yummy cake (I took the easy option and brought a packet of biscuits). We had to say grace before dinner (I can't remember the last time I did that) and after dinner we sang Christmas Carols. Am planning to go to Midnight mass tomorrow. Now all we have to think about is what we are going to do in the day. It's a hard life...

Can't believe it's Christmas Eve tomorrow! Hope you are all having a great Christmas-this is the closest you are going to get to having a Christmas card from me so enjoy it. Lots of love lucy xoxoxoxoxxx

2007-12-22T10:03:00.000Z

In a word, awesome.

Goodbye and a hug from the lovely Colin (He is the real Farmer Hoggart of The Sheep Pig/Babe). Then an interesting drive to the harbour with Christine. On the way we saw two pukekos and some harrier hawks and then went on a walk up the hill with an amazing view and then we went to the end of highway one where we watched the Greenpeace boat come in - it was there to refuel before going down to Antarctica to try and stop the Japanese whaling ships. How cool was that? I couldn't have planned it better. Obviously i didn't plan it.

A hug and goodbye to Christine and then on the Stewart Island ferry, a quick detour into the bay so we could see the Greenpeace boat properly. Then on our way to Stewart Island we saw albatross and flying fish before arriving at the gorgeous harbour that is Halfmoon bay. On the way in we passed a couple of gorgeous little bays - white sand with green, blue and purple sea.

Christine's friend Gwen came to say hi to me when i landed and told me to pop up to hers for a drink later. Then I went to the hostel where I met some friendly English-types. I met a nice boy called Ian and we went for a walk to some of the gorgeous little bays we'd seen (with some knee-deep sinking sand). After that I went to the beach and sewed up my trousers (again), then i walked up to Gwen's for a drink.

I came back to the hostel watched a bit of tv and then went up to the observation point with Ian to watch the sun set. There were some other people up there and i shared my banana cake that i'd made yesterday with them. It went down well. There were parrots and pretty birds singing and flying around. Then we came back to the hostel had some tea and toast and chatted to some interesting people. Result.

2007-12-18T07:45:00.000Z

Am at Christine and Colin's near Invercargill which is cool and this morning i went out with Colin on the 4wd motorbike to move the calves. Glenn the dog came with us too but i'm not sure about his cow-herding abilities - he did quite a good job but he seemed to waste a lot of energy barking... He is very cute though.

One of the calves was a bit slow at walking and would just about move when i walked right behind it but when it had to walk up the hill it slowed right down. Colin tried to push him but he just refused to move and lay down on the ground instead. He didn't look very well so we went back to get the trailer and Colin also found some de-worming medicine and antibiotic (which i got to draw up-always fun) and then we went and gave it to him. He looked worse when we got back and his head was all bent round but Colin went up later in the day and said he was standing up, so fingers crossed.

Yesterday was really fun on the Kiwi Experience Bottom bus. (I'm thinking about travelling around NZ with Kiwi Experience for the rest of my trip as it was soooo good. Also they pick you up from your hostel and drop you off in the evening so you don't have to carry your bag anywhere-always a good reason for picking a tour company after the ridiculously large blood bruise i have on my hip.) Anyway we saw some great scenery and went on a couple of short walks one to a lovely waterfall and one to a lighthouse. We also saw some more sealions and seals both swimming about and on the beach, one of which i only realised was there when it cried out after i almost walked right into it.

I also saw some more yellow-eyed penguins; We were all looking towards the sea so we could watch the penguins coming out of the water when i turned round to leave the beach and saw a penguin standing right in front of me. He had obviously just come out of his nest at the back of the beach and was waiting for his mate to come back.

The penguin beach was cool as it was a petrified forest from squllions of years ago. (I think about 170 million years ago). I think that was my favourite bit of the day - the rock was so cool because it looked like wood and tree stumps (because it was wood and tree stumps??!)and I reckoned its texture was like wood but no one can confirm that for me because apparently it is stone. Anyway I just can't get over how much it looks like wood. I also saw some more today on the beach near Christine's as well as loads of crabs. It's ages since I've looked under a stone and seen a whole family of crabs underneath it, umm maybe I've never looked under a stone and seen loads of crabs underneath.

Other news: have booked my ferry to Stewart Island for Saturday and the backpackers for a few days which is where I'll be over Christmas. Yay I've found an island with loads of wildlife to go and hang out on.

2007-12-16T07:10:00.000Z

Have been having a pretty chilled couple of days in Dunedin. Today i went to the museum which was really good and yesterday i went on a wildlife tour where i saw a royal spoonbill, some pukekos, albatross, little blue penguins, yellow-eyed penguins, nz fur seals and sealions, shags, black swans, black-backed seagulls, pied stilts, variable oystercatchers and a heron.

I have been having some nice chats with people in the hostel as well. I love hostels as it's so much fun talking to random people. On the tour i sat next to a lady from Japan who was practising her English - she asked me to help her with her grammar which was fun but i'm not sure how much help i was. She came up with the sentence 'we have seen penguins' which i said was correct but later she came up with 'we saw penguins' which i said was better but i'm not sure why. Some grammar-y expert help me out here.

Also friendly in the hostel are a boy (uni age) and his dad from England, two boys form S Korea who told me (again) how tough life is there. Min Wook had told me before and i knew he didn't want to go back there but i didn't really realise how difficult it is. Forget weekends, there is so much competition for jobs that you probably wouldn't get a weekend until you'd been working for a company for a good few years. They said ten. The S Korea peoples are over here to learn English so they can get better jobs.

Also really cool was y'day i met an old guy who was in town to see his grandson graduate who knew Christine and Colin McKenzie -Fi's friends who i'm going to stay with tomorrow :) He'd even been over to their place for a walking group lunch last week. It got me all happy 'cos i thought 'ooooh everyone knows each other like on ki'. He said they have a lovely garden so i've got high expectations...

Other interesting-types: In the Christchurch hostel, i met a guy from Tynemouth. Never has the west-country accent been so appealing to me. I started talking to him and felt an immediate west-country bond -not sure what one of those is but he told me all the places i needed to go in nz so that was pretty handy.

In Melbourne, I went to a theosophical society meeting about how the body stores pain. It was quite interesting but for a society that was meant to have a Buddhist core there were an awful lot of egos flying around the room. Anyway this one guy called Michael mentioned how he'd had a bike crash and smashed up his arm but had managed to self-heal it which had totally changed his philosophy on life. I know i've probably lost you here but he sounded interesting and at the end i went up to him and asked him if i could talk to him about his experience. He said here? And i said, do you want to go for a coffee? After i'd said this i thought that maybe i'd gone a bit mad because i didn't know him at all but then i thought well what else have i got to do tonight? So we went for a drink over the road and had the best conversation ever.

I told him about me and he told me about himself (he complemented me on my name as he had a daughter called lucy) and we had a couple of drinks and chatted as if we'd known each other for ages. There was no physical attraction, no ulterior motive, just two people in the same place at the same time interested in each other and, for that time, totally connected. And at the end of the evening, he kissed me on the cheek and we both said we'd had a really lovely evening. And that was it: a perfect travelling moment.

2007-12-14T08:12:00.000Z

YAY! Have been all smiley and happy today. And what have i been doing? Sitting on a bus for hours on a rainy misty day and lugging my ridiculously heavy rucksack (even though I have culled quite a bit of stuff) around. And that's what makes my happiness even cooler - I was all happy inside. Yay! My KI happiness has returned.

I was sitting on the bus all smiley which has only ever been known in the past (before KI) if it has been caused by something -usually exam results or maybe boys...but there was nothing really that made me happy today. Well except being me. I know, something else i thought i'd never ever write. How could i? I've hated being me since I was about 12 but now i like being me again, and it's such a cool feeling.

When Penny was cross with me last week i was a bit upset but her criticism didn't make me crumble and cry and collapse on the floor in a heap of rubbishness as if i was the most useless thing ever to exist on this planet as it would have done in the past. At first i thought it was because i was feeling more confident but then i realised why i was feeling more confident. I was feeling more confident because i know i am a good wwoofer and work hard. (Not too hard though. Min Wook in Warrnambool would work all day and i tried to tell him no, no, no because it gives other wwoofers a bad name as the deal is half a days work. Now I understand so much more about speed of work and unions and accepted work rates...)

And i was feeling good because i've met and worked with lots of new people and they've liked me so if Penny doesn't like me then that's her problem not mine. I know pretty groundbreaking stuff. Think I need to tell Richard (ye olde therapist) about this. And then a day or so later I realised that my self-confidence was actually emanating from the fact that i actually liked myself and that other people like me too. It was a cool feeling.

But Penny and Rob did like me and I was sad to go this morning and they said I could go back or if I got ill and needed somewhere to go i could hang out there. And then i realised that everyone i've stayed with in oz and nz has said i could go back. Averil from Servas (peace org where you stay for free in order to promote understanding between different cultures) who i stayed with for a couple of days in Christchurch also said i could go back when i leave nz or if I got ill and needed somewhere to go and rest. The coolest thing i did with her was go to the beach where we harvested mussels from the rocks and came home and cooked them. Also i had my first nz lamb in nz.

In Oz, KI peeps said i could go back as did Ray at the yha, Caroline, Ruth's friend in Adelaide, Andrew and Maureen (servas peeps) in Adelaide, Jono (rob's bro), Jo and the wwoofing people in Warrnambool. I think that's everyone.

Also i remembered how nervous i'd been when i first rang Andrew and Maureen even though I'd met their daughter Hannah in the uk but now i can phone up random people and go and stay with them and fit in and live as part of their family as easy as pie.

So yeah, am feeling pretty chuffed with myself.

YAY!

2007-12-13T08:53:00.000Z

Oooooh I'm all happy, and sad too. This is my last night at Governor's Bay and now I don't want to leave. I had a fun day - cleaned shelves and cupboards this morning while listening to the radio. Kate Adie came on air and was talking about what was going on in the UK and it was interesting to see how the rest of the world hears about and so sees the UK. She was saying about how the whole country was gripped by the canoeing guy (esp my mum, i bet) and talking about the number of eastern Europeans in the UK and how they'll be someone 'a foreigner' (which I thought was a bit provocative) working in every pub and restaurant. She wasn't saying it was a bad thing, in fact she said it was a good thing but she did say how 4 out of 5 new jobs have gone to foreigners. The overall impression that I got from it was that the situation was a negative one.

Anyway, I phoned up Fi's mum's friends in Invercargil and I'm going to stay with them on Monday. YAY! Apparently the bottom bus (which I found amusing, god i'm so immature) can drop me off right outside their house. Christine sent me a nice email saying she was sure they could fine me some work to do as she hasn't polished all the silver for Christmas (lol). The lol was hers but there seems to be far too much silver cleaning going on in this part of the world. I cleaned a bit of silver on KI and the lady who helps here was cleaning silver on Saturday which i thought was pretty insane considering how many other more noticeable/pressing jobs needed doing (maybe they just needed to leave them for me).

Anyway, anyway. This afternoon I went to my shed and started packing and got quite mad at myself due to all the rubbish i've got and so forced myself to read the articles about Oz and NZ that I have been carrying around since the UK... Then I went for another little kayak (third day in a row) as I just love it so much. The bay is really tidal so you can only kayak at high tide which is why i had to wait otherwise, i think i would've kayaked all day long. I've even been trying out my new waterproof camera - any bets on how long it's going to last?

The waves were a bit more choppy today so it was fun to paddle into them head on and then ride over them (if that makes any sense, i'm not sure it does but i know what i mean and hope you sort of do too). It's been drizzling all day today but I didn't really mind as i was having so much fun even though i made the mistake of wearing trousers in the canoe and came out soaking wet.

After dinner, I had a bath with Biddy (Bridget) which was fun. It wasn't weird because the other day she'd walked into the bathroom while i was having a shower to see if i was ready for trampolining...

So the point is is that I was a bit cross with myself for not accepting the situation. All my talk about accepting things has gone back to talk and for the first few days i was here I was trying to re-create a KI experience when I should've just been accepting it for what it was. After all, the reason i chose this place, as well as the horses and kayaking was because of the kids because i figured that at least there'd be someone for me to hang out with. Now i'm sad because it was too rainy and we couldn't trampoline tonight and i don't really want to leave the girls.

But at least i am travelling. Shock, i know. I'm going into Christchurch tomorrow (Where I have to pick up some meds from the pharmacy. Incidentally, cf consultant was soooo lovely. He gave me water to mix with my colomycin for free because he said it was too expensive and when i asked him to prescribe me Symbicort (an inhaler for you non-cf-types) he said he couldn't do that because they were too expensive and were heavily subsided by the the government but then when he went off to get my water he brought me back a Symbicort :). He did also say that next time it might be a good idea to get in touch with them first so they have all my info...Can you believe i don't have any info about my lung function with me? Oh yes, it's me we are talking about. I took more info with me, a whole intro letter, when I went from Bristol to London. Think i might ask Leeds to email me something. Think also i might write a book on how to travel backwards or rather how to travel and do everything after you should've done it.

Incidentally 2, I thought i better email my consultant in Leeds as the last thing i told them was that i was going to Australia for two months... He didn't seem that bothered about me going to Thailand and just said it sounded like a great trip and for me to go to the Blue Moon Festival, if i'm still there then :).)

So i have booked a bus to Dunedin (seals, albatross and suchlike) and am going to stay at the hostel there for three nights. That's about as travel-y as I get.

I just got a lovely message from George (of KI horse-riding and sheep shearing and cutest children fame) and it made me so happy and i'm so tempted to go back. Let's just see how i get on with this travelling malarkey.

2007-12-11T09:34:00.000Z

Had a pretty cool day today. One of my jobs entailed going to find a pony and leading him back to the house (other jobs included cleaning a car and a truck so not so fun but not too bad either and I'm getting to be pretty much an expert) and then after learning about the economic history of nz, I went kayaking.

I took a kayak out from the beach and at first I was a bit nervous when I went around the headland as the sea got a bit choppy and my arms were achy (i'm not sure why, must be all that cleaning) but then it got easier. Also I realised that the sea was pretty shallow (as my oars hit the bottom). It was really cool being in the water and the scenery was just awesome with bright green mountains surrounding the bay and hundreds of pine trees leading down to the shore. And it was so peaceful and relaxing to hear the splish, splash of the oars in the water, the waves lapping against the kayak and the seagulls.

Then this evening I played a bit of tennis, not properly but just hit the ball back a few times and although quite a few of them went to the back of the court, none went over so that was pretty impressive.

I've just noticed an interesting correlation here between happy, non-stressing me and physical activity...

2007-12-10T00:44:00.000Z

Hello from a beautiful spot on the Banks Pennisula where I'm staying with a family of five kids and about 25 horses. There are two adorable six-year old twins who seem to have taken a shine to me and one of them when I had just arrived said I smelt lovely; of perfume and golden cream, which I think is just about the best thing that anyone has ever said to me. I think it was Julia but it may have been Bridget, however one of their friends was impressed that I could tell them apart after half an hour.

They like me bouncing them up and down on the trampoline and I'm happy to oblige although they seem to have no concept of the fact that i may not want to go on the trampoline just after I have eaten or just after I have stopped due to the fact that I am all bounced out.

It's a gorgeous, gorgeous spot - 180 acres with private beaches and everything and I have my own shed which is 5 mins away from the house. There is a 'long drop' toilet which I think has the best view of a toilet anywhere in the world - it would certainly be hard to beat it. pic to follow.

(Third good thing about having to spend money on meds as initially (obviously)i was going to buy the cheapest camera, not because I couldn't afford a more expensive one but because I'm super mean esp when it comes to myself, but after spending that money, I decided to buy one that is Lucy-proof (mistake with the first one) and may actually last. Also Min Wook from Korea who was wwoofing with me in Victoria had a similar problem with his camera (lens error- i think mine was caused by sand, no surprise there then) which may or may not have been my fault...basically I passed the camera to him and he didn't grab it and it hit a rock and the lens won't open just as mine won't open. So I decided I'm definitely jinxed. Anyway new camera is all sealed as it's sand and waterproof and you can take it under water to a depth of 1.5m. My sis will be pleased as she likes taking pics of all the pretty fishes.)

So when I first arrived on Friday night I was all happy and smiley and thinking, I can't believe I've found another spot so gorgeous - how lucky am I?

But, there's always a but, the next day I had to get up at 6.30 to go to a pony show. That was fine but because of the kids and the set up - it's difficult for me to get any time on my own and it took me a few hours to work out that playing with the kids wasn't part of my four hours work. (The more places I stay, the more I realise how lucky I was on KI...) So I was missing being alone (although I've been a bit lonely, having quality time alone is still very much needed especially with so much energy around) and I asked Rob (dad) when I should be up on Sun and he said they were going to have a lie in and to come up when I wanted company. Now I realise that their idea of a lie in was til about 7.30 and they assumed I'd be up at nine but because I'd been on the go all of the day before, I figured I could take it a bit easy and do my work in the afternoon. Apparently not. Penny came down to my shed at 11 and was pretty pissed off and said the deal was four hours work, blah, blah, blah. And I said I know and I'll do it and I asked what time I should be there and I wasn't given a clear answer and was really tied after yesterday. Anyway it was fine and I had to muck out a paddock and the twins helped me which was so cute and then I had to collect seaweed from the beach which wasn't such a bad job.

As much as I love playing with the twins as they are adorable, it's lovely and peaceful now as they are at school. And so I've spent the morning cleaning the kitchen (which I think is the most disgustingly dirty kitchen I've ever seen and even after spending four hours cleaning, it still doesn't look that much different to me.). Anyway I cleaned and listened to Radio National NZ and had a pretty chilled out morning. Now Penny (mum) and Poppy (13) have gone to town and I'm here all on my own, which is why I can use the internet in the day. Well, actually there are three dogs here too, one of which followed me back to my shed last night and slept with me. It was soooo cute.

The other kids are Alice (16) who's too cool to hang out here much and Oscar who's 9 and has Downs Syndrome. He's pretty cute and also likes trampolining and videos.
Now I think I'll run away to my shed before the kids get back from school...

2007-12-05T21:08:00.000Z

A very medical blog (specially of interest to medical types, family and cystics, lol-I can say that cos I've got cf. When I was 11 and first in hospital, my mum and I were really upset when we saw a peak flow meter which said: 'For asthmatics and cystics only'. They changed it straight away.)

I'm liking NZ altho it's a bit too like the UK today - all cloudy and cold. The last few days have been lovely and sunny and so I think I've been a bit spoilt, and also was wondering why everyone said the weather was so rubbish here...Anyway here I am a'la internet cafe in Cathedral Square.

Sensible people with cf plan ahead. My friend Rob with cf said that registering at a Medicare office, which you need to do to get cheaper medical care in Australia, was the first thing he did in Oz and the lovely Fi (who has just given me a potential contact (with NZsheep-woohoo)) linked up with the cf clinic here in Christchurch before she left.

Anyway me, obviously, did none of that and meds and jabs and suchlike has been causing me a bit of stress (more than I realised). So I've booked my ticket to meet my sis in Thailand but my first thought was, I can't go to Thailand, how can I get jabs in Oz or NZ? I'll have to go home. I was a bit stressed too about the medical care, more of that later...

But of course you can get jabs, you just walk into a doctor's and get them. It's even easier here than in Oz.I was all worried in Oz about registering with Medicare when I didn't have a permanent address so I waited until I was at Jo's but here I just gave the youth hostel address and it was fine. Then I just made an appointment to see the doc and voila. I had to pay to see the doc but it wasn't very much (less than 20 pounds - no pound signs on this keyboard)and obviously I had to pay for my jabs but they weren't too much either. Not after Oz...

You have to pay for the doc here and in Australia you have to pay in a lot of clinics but some 'bulk bill' Medicare so you don't have to pay. I don't really get it but obviously I found one where i didn't have to pay. I saw the doc and that was fine - really easy again although I sort of panicked and ordered quite a few meds. Although I was nearly the end of my stay in Oz, i looked on the internet (i used pride myself in my google-searching abilities, obviously am losing them) and it said that NZ was pretty similar to Australia as far as drugs are concerned and there was no free healthcare so make sure you have good insurance... However I'm fast realising that it's not the doctors that are the cost to people like me but the drugs. It was easy to get the drugs I wanted but they didn't have a really basic broad spectum antibiotic Cefradine in Australia, weird huh?

I took the script to the pharmacy to find out that I had some over-the-counter meds (ventolin (how exciting and pretty cheap too and salt tabs), some NHS meds (standard prices although mine seemed to cost the higher rater about $30) and some non-NHS meds (the antibiotics which he advised me to shop around for these). The cipro (which I take if i have an infection) was going to cost me $85 so I thought, do I really need it? But then I thought, have I gone mad? I went to all the trouble of going to the docs and getting the script and what happens if I get ill? It's a damn sight cheaper than flying everyone out to come and visit me. I went to another chemist and he said he could do if for $80 (about 30 pounds) instead of $125 (??) and would have to order it in. The first pharmacist had cipro and I was surprised that it wasn't held in stock as it's pretty common in the UK but I guess no one can afford it there. He also quoted me $20 (for 24 flucloxacillin !! -how many of those pills have dissolved and mashed together at the bottom of my bag or fallen on the floor?)

I went back to the first place, picked up my other meds and she said she could match any price I'd been quoted so I knocked her down a tiny bit and got the meds. When I got home, I looked in the Discount Warehouse meds leaflet I'd picked up the day before. I was really cross with myself about this because I'd specifically taken it with me and why hadn't I looked at it before I'd paid stupid money for drugs? Anyway I saw that cipro was less than half price so was really mad with myself. Why do I never think ahead?? Never, never, never.

Then I realised that the cipro was only enough for seven days which was worse than useless and would just make my last few remaining cipro-sensitive bugs resistant. Luckily the doctor gives you 2/3 scripts all at once so I went to cash in the other one (and some more meds too) at Discount Warehouse. Anyway with cf going to Oz should go here (they can also send drugs to you anywhere in Oz) as all the non-NHS drugs were so much cheaper. Fluclox was $11. On the advertising leaflet Creon was $40 for 100 (how many did I feed to Beale??) so godknows what they cost anywhere else.

Anyway spent about $350 on meds in Oz which I didn't really need urgently. Prescriptions here cost nz$15 which is about 5 pounds (and they give you decent quantities),so made a bit of an error there. This is the mad way I think-I was thinking I hope the meds here are going to be really expensive because otherwise I'm just going to be so annoyed that I spent all the money on drugs that I didn't need urgently anyway. Obviously I should've just been pleased that they were cheap but no that would just be too rational.. Oh well, ho hum.

But the good things about this are: 1.Finding out how the Australian health care system works. Although I do not like it -all stupidly small quantities of drugs and high, high prices and having to barter with pharmacists. But when I go back it will be easy peesy and won't cause me any stress.

2.Realising how lucky we are in the UK. I wonder what people with cf in Oz do? Um probably should've checked that out. Anyway I just thought, I'm never going to complain about the NHS ever again. One of Oxfam's campaigns I was working on was the Access to Medicines campaign, which campaigns for drug companies and had the slogans 'People before profits' and 'Access denied: too poor to pay'.

I did lots of campaigning on this and while I was passionate about the issue, I didn't really feel the anger and the unfairness like i do now. I've seen films of a boy died from AIDS as his parents were too poor to take him to the doctor and of some people who were risking their lives crossing boarders to buy generic meds so poor people could access the meds they so desperately needed.

I also saw one of a man with cancer who couldn't afford the medicines and had to re-mortgage and re-mortgage his house until there was nothing left to re-mortgage. It just made me stop and think: I had a credit card it was no problem for me to pay for my medication, it might've been a pain and made me a bit grumpy but what if you really couldn't afford it? If you knew there were drugs that could make you better but you couldn't have them? How would that make you feel? How could you stop being angry and bitter? The guy with cancer was protesting against the drug company and drug companies really are evil - they say they need to price their drugs high because of the cost of the research but a lot of the research is carried out by unis and most drugs are second-generation which means that they only differ slightly from existing drugs. The big pharmaceutical companies are trying to stop companies in India manufacturing generic drugs but India is the pharmacy of the developing world and these affordable drugs are saving the lives of millions of people. (More info on Oxfam's website.) Check it out, oooh I'm getting all pro-active and campaigny ;).

I know that the drugs are there for me in the UK if I really need them and if I get ill the doctors will do everything to make me better but how would you feel if that wasn't the case? It makes me mad, the unfairness of it all.

Anyway I got my jabs yesterday -Hep A, thyphoid and tetnus and it was so easy, I couldn't believe I'd been so stressed about it. The doc also gave me a script for some meds but said he couldn't give me a script for one of my meds because a specialist needed to do that. He said I should just go up the hospital between 9 and 10 to catch the registar on the ward round and see what he could do for me. ;) It was really easy to do this as the hosptial is right next door to the botanical gardens which is next to the hostel. As I wasn't doing much yesterday afternoon I thought I'd just go and see what was happening. I found the ward and started telling the receptionist what I wanted, luckily the (cute) house officer was really friendly and said I should come back the next morning.

So I got up bright and early and pumped up the tyres and oiled the chain of a rusty old bike and cycled to the hospital (am staying with a nice Servas person called Averil). I only had to wait a few minutes and then saw the lovely consultant (also cute-definitely a bonus of having cf all these medical-types). He asked me if I'd contacted the NZ cf association as they'd had quite a few people from the UK inquiring but I said I wasn't that organised and he said that was the best way to travel. ;) He said he could give me a script now but as I had time he said could I come in tomorrow and we'd do it all properly.

However he did warn me about Thailand... Not to freak anyone out here but he said that one of his patients went to Thailand, got sick, lost 40% of his lung function ended up in intensive care, came home, had a transplant but didn't make it. :( Obviously have majorly freaked everyone out now.

He said you (me, everyone, people with cf) have to travel but said that two months was probably too long as there are loads of bugs there and gastric diseases and with the humidity and rubbish healthcare facilities... Anyway I'll speak more about it tomorrow but I think I'll have to revise my plans. Although at least my sister will be there to look after me and she is very good at doing that.:)

2007-12-04T07:44:00.000Z

Am doing good adminy type things in Christchurch so I don't spend the next two months stressing about them-jabs,money stuff,camera,phone. So should be having my jabs for Thailand tomorrow. eek! Did I say I'm going to Thailand? Am flying there at the end of Jan to meet my sis for my birthday. Hurrah!

And til then I'm in NZ. Have arranged to go to a Servas person (a different one to the person I'd originally planned to stay with but she sounds more fun) for two night and then I'm going to a horsey wwoofing place on Friday where I should be for a week if all goes well.

Christchurch is v like Oxford - rivers and greenery and punting and ducks and kids in ridiculous school uniforms. Incidentally two ducks tried to eat my toes today - they came up to me and started pecking them and then came back again and again. Must like salt or something.

2007-12-03T07:16:00.001Z

Hello from NZ!

Somehow managed to fit all my stuff in my rucksack (although I did throw out a couple of bags of tree-matter for recycling) and I was a bit shocked when I saw the heavy tag on my luggage...20kg! Must be pretty fit though because I can actually carry it.

Was walking down the street in Christchurch earlier and did actually think for the first time, "What am I doing here?" Not in a why am I here kind of why more of a what am I going to do here way. If that makes any sense, probably not.

Anyway I'm at the youth hostel and it always makes me feel like I'm actually doing proper travelling when I stay in hostels - like I'm actually on the move and have to quickly write down everything that's happened in the day. Like how I had to declare that I'd been on farmland in the past 30 days and that I had mud on my boots. They were actually really dirty and because of that the nice man in bio security cleaned them for me. :)

I'm not really sure why it feels so different in the hostel (especially because I have to pay for internet access) but it doesn't happen to me when I'm wwoofing or staying with friends. Maybe because there isn't really much else to do in the evenings and if I'm feeling a bit lonely, the computer becomes a friendly face and companion and my blog as well.

Flying into Christchurch this afternoon was amazing, I feel in love with the country straight away - first the azure ocean and a long, long white sand beach, then snow-capped mountains with lakes and valleys, after that farmland and then coast again as we turned around over the sea to land.

While this country is undoubtedly beautiful, I don't really have any desire to actually see it. Not on my own anyway. What I've realised with my travels so far is that I am actually quite rubbish at the travelling bit which is why I stay at the same place for looooong periods of time. So if I meet some other travelling types I might go travelling or maybe I should look at doing an organised-tour...or maybe I'll just find another nice wwoof place and hang out there for eternity. A thought, if I actually hung out with other backpackers and stayed in places they stayed, maybe I'd meet some people to hang out with. But I'm not worried. I'm going to stay with a Servas person on Wednesday - I think, just need to sort it out. And then who knows?

I'm definitely missing people a lot and when I'm missing people I write more blogs and when I'm happy and busy, I just don't have so much time. So sorry about that.

P.S. Have just realised that I haven't actually been saving any of my spell check-ed words, d'oh me. Also when I bought my phone in Adelaide I didn't actually think ahead (no change there then) as to whether my phone would work in NZ, and so, surprise, surprise, it doesn't.

P.P.S I think this is the most disjointed blog I've ever written.

P.P.P.S Am feeling pretty good though.

2007-12-02T10:24:00.000Z

Can you believe it? My last night in Oz. Well for now anyway.

I'm back at Jo's lovely house in Melbourne and am being very spoilt as she's taking me to the airport tomorrow morning at 7am to catch my flight to New Zealand. All I have to do now is pack, well try and fit a ridiculously large amount of clothes and medicines and general Lucy rubbish in a bag which is blatantly too small.

If I manage to do it quickly I'll come back to the computer and write up the last few weeks, but anyone who knows me knows that's obviously not going to happen as it will take me ages to sort all my stuff out.

So in summary, YAY! Australia's been great. I LOVED it and love it - the wildlife, the scenery and, of course, the people.

And it's on to the next adventure...

2007-11-28T11:29:00.000Z

Hello from Warrnambool! I've been here since Monday and it's quite cool - I'm wwoofing and have been doing some watering and gardening in the morning and cycling around and chilling out at the beach in the afternoon.

It took me a bit of time to get used to it because obviously it wasn't KI and I wasn't getting five star treatment but it's still pretty good.

I'm not sure what happened to me in Melbourne but it was like as soon as I arrived my stress levels just went up and continued going up, the longer I stayed there. (I know that I haven't really got anything to stress about, after all, I am on a ridiculously long holiday but that's the rational way of looking at things and we all know that I'm not know for my rational thoughts).

It was as if all my relaxation and positive thinking and the stillness and peacefulness I'd experienced on KI had never happenend. When I first arrived in Melbourne, I was still able to totally relax if I tried really hard but after a few days it just became impossible. I couldn't control my breathing when I got stressed (and I was finding more and more stupid, little things so stress about) and that made it worse. And the longer I stayed in the city, the more stressed I became. So I left. I think I'll give cities a miss for a while as I feel much better out here.

2007-11-25T10:11:00.000Z

Some Melbourny pics at http://picasaweb.google.com.au/lucyhglynn/Melbourne xxx

2007-11-22T11:09:00.000Z

Oooh am all happy again as I had a really cool day. Jo and I went for three walks (!) which I managed pretty well considering I was achy as, (remember that Aussism?) after yoga yesterday. I hadn't been for a couple of days as my sugar levels were stupidly high on Monday which was stressing me out until I remembered that dehydration can cause that to happen which meant there was something I could to stop them going up again.

(My doc told me that while in Oz I should drink an extra two litres of water on top of what I normally drink but it wasn't really hot on KI so I definitely wasn't drinking that much and the heat in Melbourne over the weekend was a bit of a shock to the system, that and doing yoga in 42 degrees... My friend Adam, who has cf, said yesterday that he was told to drink five litres a day. Which probably puts an end to my newfound love of wine. For now, anyway.)

So this morning we went for a walk along the Yarra and then we went to the Dandenongs for a picnic and a couple more walks which gave us a highly impressive brightly coloured bird tally of: some noisy minors, a few king parrots, lots of crimson rosellas (who sat on ours heads and tried to eat our lunch), an eastern rosella, two corellas, loads of sulphur-crested cockatoo, some galahs, a kookaburra AND a pair of lyrebirds. All in the wild - pics to follow.

Getting out in the countryside or bush as the locals say, although I still think of the bush as the outback, was also really good and so I realised, again, that I'm just not a city girl and need to get back out there in nature.

Also I'm feeling better because I've now got a Medicare card and have a doctor's appointment on Monday so I can stock up on some meds. I had built this whole doc/meds where am I going to get them from thing into something that was a big, scary obstacle even though it was really easy and a huge weight off my mind. So hurrah!

2007-11-20T01:14:00.000Z

I don't want to shatter any illusions about the new, happy 'living in the now' me but I have been a bit stressed recently...It's certainly harder to maintain a stress-free existence living in the city, although it is a really nice city with lots of green space and beautiful river running through it. Or maybe it's not the city at all but the fact that things are surfacing in my mind that I've been avoiding thinking about? Actually, I know it's that. I'm worried about visas and plans and flights and medicines and jabs.

But instead of following my new 'no problem' mantra, ie either accept or take action to change the situation, I'm not accepting and I'm not taking any action hence the situation doesn't change. Or rather things get worse because I know there are these nagging things I need to deal with which I'm not dealing with.

New philosophy: Maybe I should take stock of what I've achieved, rather than worry about the future?

By the way, great Eckhart Tolle quote, my favourite so far: "I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them cats." Think I might plagiarise that one.

Also to realise that going from Mrs Stress of Stressland to being someone so much more relaxed was never going to be the smoothest of smooth transitions and like anything they'll be ups and downs.

2007-11-18T11:42:00.000Z

Hello there, just a quickie to let you know that I'm having lots of fun staying with Jo (my first cousin once removed) in Melbourne. I can't type much because my arms are a bit achy due to the huge amount of yoga i've been doing. I'm fully converted to Bikram yoga which takes place in 37 degrees or higher and the sweat just pours off you-it's awesome. I've done the 90 minute class for four days running now although today was the hardest...I hope i can keep it up because under the special introductory offer I had to pay for the first class and then got the next nine days free. Woohoo! There are quite a few classes a day so I really have no excuse.

Today was a really cool (good cool not cold cool as it was pretty hot) day - I went to yoga this morning and then had a lovely lunch with Jo, Ann (her sister) and Ann's sister in law before going to St Kilda. I was really looking forward to going to St Kilda as I've been missing the sea. We got on the tram (a lovely old one) from Richmond which took us all the way to the beach. It was a gorgeous sunny day with a warm breeze and we walked along the beach (paddling) and then along the pier where we bought ice creams.

It was amazing to see a city so close to the sea and at the same time being somewhere that was so very peaceful. There are penguins on the end of the pier and although most of their colony has been fenced off, I saw there was lots of penguin poo on the rocks and thought, umm I wonder if there are any chicks down there? I walked down the rocks and using my penguin nest spotting skills began searching. I checked all the little holes around the poo but couldn't see anything, but then just as I turned round, I saw a penguin right in front of me sitting very still under the rock. It was so cool, at the front I could see its head and at the back of the rock I could see its foot.

I then searched for more penguins but my penguin-honing-ability seemed to have deserted me. Then a guy who was sitting nearby (and who obviously spends a lot of time sitting there, if his tan is anything to go by) showed us where another one was. This time we had a full view of the penguin which was quietly resting under a bush. It was really great to see them and Jo and I were all full of penguin-induced smiles.

After that I went for a swim in the sea to cool off. It was my first proper swim in the sea since i got to Oz and I'd forgotten how much I love it and how different it is. I wonder if my body knows that the salty water vapour is good for me? Maybe that's why I like it so much. And the same with yoga.

2007-11-13T12:04:00.000Z

Melbourne: here I am.

Once I'd booked my tickets and knew I was finally going, leaving Kangaroo Island wasn't hard and so while I'd been a bit stressed deciding when I was going to go, by the end, I was all excited about the next bit of my journey.

I got a lift into Kingscote on Sunday and had the afternoon there as the shuttle bus wasn't picking me up until 5.20pm. There's no public transport on KI apart from the twice daily bus to the ferry. It was a beautiful sunny day - although if anything, a bit hot and I was glad that I was leaving as I don't think I could cope with the weather much hotter. Anyway I walked along the beach and saw a couple of baby penguins in their nests, lots of pelicans resting on the shore with their heads tucked into their bodies and some black swans swimming in the sea, all pretty neat.

I then walked to the museum which had a hotch-potch display of old photographs, newspaper cuttings, lace, shells, stuffed animals, bottles as well as tractors(including a little grey Fergie), a forge, butter-making equipment and a lighthouse. It was quite fun and I especially liked the photo of Rachel's homestead circa 1861.

After that I walked up the hill and had a great view of the beautiful blue bay with sand banks and fishing boats. I then caught the shuttle bus to Penneshaw and had half an hour to wait before the ferry so thought I'd go and see Ray, the youth hostel guy. I wanted to go and thank him for keeping Rachel's note about work, for encouraging me to go and to tell him what a great time I had. I wasn't sure he'd remember me as he obviously has lots of guests staying but as I walked up to the hostel, he came out and said: "Is that Lucy?" I was so happy.

He'd told me to come back so I explained that I didn't come back to the hostel because I was having so much fun. He said he thought I'd get on well with Rachel and expected to see me in Kingscote someday and I'd say I was living there now. In fact, he was a bit surprised that I was leaving the island. He made me a cup of tea and we had a nice chat and it was the perfect ending to a great holiday.

I sat on the deck of the boat on the way back to the mainland watching the sun set over Kangaroo Island and I wasn't sad at all. I was so happy and had this big grin on my face. I thought how successful the trip had been, I really couldn't have planned it better. I'd been stressing a bit over the past few days that maybe I'd stayed there too long but that doubt then evaporated. It had been amazing. It was amazing. It is amazing. I would say it was perfect, but I'm beginning to overuse that word now. (Who'd have thought it?) Ray told me I had to go back but right now, I have no idea if I will.

When I got to the youth hostel in Adelaide I was still really happy. I thought about how I'd been on the train with Rob and David, I'd been so nervous and panicky, wondering how I was going to cope on my own but they assured me that I could. So when I left Maureen and Andrew and Lucy, I was confident but nervous and I sat in the park in front of the youth hostel with all my stuff and thought, this is me now, travelling on my own, this is IT.

This time, when I got to the youth hostel I felt like a hostelling pro - so confident and relaxed, and yet, I couldn't believe I'd been there six weeks ago - it seemed like I'd been there only yesterday. Six weeks, six weeks is ages. Now it seems weird that I'd been on KI for so long. But it did feel good to be travelling again, especially with such a successful few weeks behind me. I was on the move, only with more confidence now and with a glow of excitment, wondering where it will take me.

2007-11-10T10:44:00.000Z

So, finally I'm packing up my things are moving on from KI. It was a difficult decision to make but luckily I made it (and booked my tickets) before the sun came out and the sea warmed up and everything became even more peachy than it was before.

This week I've spent quite a bit of time reading on the beach, been for a couple of brief swims, tested out the lilo, finished painting the beach shed and put hooks up, went for a few walks along the beach and a walk up the cliff, saw a little black tiger snake and a big black tiger snake, went to Stokes Bay which you have to walk through rocks to get to, saw a baby koalie on the back of a mummy one, paddled in the sea, fed Min the kangaroo again, ate dinner in the taverna, cleaned some silver, the car, the kitchen and the oven, put some kites together, drove to Kingscote and went to pick up some bread from the airport, saw two kangaroos fighting, saw more kangaroos grazing, transplanted some grass (and in doing so, nearly cut my food in half), watched some films and did some yoga.

Today I went to yoga and realised that while I'd been doing a bit of yoga with Rachel and Jess it's not the same as a class. Rachel took a two hour class this morning and I felt so, so good afterwards and dived in the sea to cool off afterwards. The bay is beautiful and clear with lots of pretty fishes although it's a bit cold for snorkeling just yet.

This afternoon, we went to the Parndana (local town) show, were there was a sheep shearing competition, dog jumping and a petting zoo but no horses because of the equine flu outbreak. The petting zoo was good (I was the only adult sans child in there) but the kids were giving me a heart attack as some of them were squeezing the chicks so much, I kept expecting them to be asphyxiated. Luckily there were no casualties. Despite their manhandling they had no problems picking them up but when I tried to, I was pecked by the mother hen. Jack, Sandy and Cass's dog, (Sandy and Cass work here) won the dog jumping competition by jumping onto the top of eight straw bales which was pretty cool.

And finally, here are my pics from KI - mostly animals and scenic views (with a few drunken escapades) which pretty much sums up the six weeks I've been here. Although they seem to have filed themselves in the most random order, I'm not sure why.

2007-11-05T11:14:00.000Z

Awesome. On Saturday, I went horse-riding with George. We floated the horses back to Rachel's and then took the horses for a walk along the cliff. George's dog Gemma came too and ran off a few times to chase wallabies although she was very good and came back when she was called. When I saw my first wallaby, I was so excited but now I take them for granted. It just shows you how quickly you get used to things. Wallabies, kangaroos and echidnas have become just a part of life, although I still get excited about koalies.

As we were just about to take the horses on the beach, we met the guy who organised the penguin census and I felt like I know more people on KI, than anywhere else in the world. If you meet someone two or three times you feel like they're your best friend and it's easy to think that when everyone's so friendly. On a remote island like KI, you have to be pretty reliant on your neighbours, so it helps to get on with each other and there's nowhere to hide or escape to so you might as well be friendly. Or maybe I've just met the nice people.

We walked along the beach to the river at the other end but George's horse Susie, an ex-racehorse, was pretty nervous of the waves and was pretty aggitated on the beach so I had to go in the sea on Dinny to show her that they weren't scary at all. It was good for practising my horse-control and basically the coolest thing ever or, as cool as (Aussism for saying something is very good, as in Jono told me I was trendy as, which he meant as a compliment, I think but I found pretty amusing in a fill-in-the-blanks way).

On Saturday, I stayed at George's and had a few drinks... Anyone reading this might think I've suddenly turned into an alcoholic but it's so exciting for me to drink and just enjoy the evening, or not to drink and enjoy the evening. I didn't used to drink because it would make me so depressed or if I did drink, I'd drink to get drunk, to forget, to escape, to not think. Incidently, why do you think I slept all the time?

Anyway, I won at Scrabble and played the guitar. I remember D, A7 and G from when I played the guitar at primary school and I've now learnt A, C and EM. Woohoo!

2007-11-02T23:18:00.000Z

This week's gone quickly. In fact, every since the clocks went forward, the days have gone even quicker than before - which is saying something. I've never known days to be so speedy - except when I sleep all day that is. Or I should say, when I used to sleep all day long because sleeping all day long isn't happening anymore. No, no, no.

Anyway, today I sheared a sheep (or is it shore?). OK well only a tiny bit at the end but it was pretty cool and I even have some pics (shock) although I have to admit that I did cut the lamb's bottom as I was too busy smiling at the camera... But as the shearer said, sheeps don't feel pain, right. I also held a lamb although I gave it to George when the elastic band was being put on its tail and balls... Didn't think I'd be able to hold it still enough for that as I could hardly stop it wriggling out of my hands when I was just holding it. The peeps (George's friends) I was helping said I'd make a good shed hand as I was good at sweeping up the lamb's tummy wool and other the lower quality wool from floor. So there's a job for me in NZ.

On the way too and from the shearing, I saw the local koala (or koalie as I like to say) hanging out in its tree. On the way it was eating and on the way back you could just see a really big grey lump in the branches. Coo-el.

Yesterday, I cleaned out the back of the beach shack and started painting it which was fun although not as good as my job the other day when I had to clean out the spa. Cleaning the sand out of the spa was tough because it's on the cliff overlooking the beach so obviously I had to warm it up and float around like a mermaid while trying to get the sand out using a towel. Predictably, it took me a while to perfect my sand-removing technique.

Other things I've been up to: Last Friday, which was a gorgeous day and I read lots (and did lots of philosophising on the beach) we went to the taverna for dinner. The taverna is right on the beach and it's all set up so pretty-like with lots of candles. And while Rachel and Jess cooked for me, I had to collect firewood and light the fire. I've now perfected the technique of lighting the fire with one match which isn't actually that difficult when you've got loads of kindling and paper. There was a full moon, which I've now learnt was a harvest moon and because of refraction (maybe?) the moon looms very large and low in the sky. It looked pretty amazing and was so bright so we could see the waves lapping at the shore as we ate yummy food and had good wine (again).

On Saturday the weather turned and we cleaned up the houses ready for the guests which included my spa (ahem) work. There were guests in Saturday night and when there are guests in, it means everyone else works in the evening but not me - that was when I wrote part one of my new philosophy.

On Sunday (my last post), I went up to Kate's and saw her animals. She's just got another baby kangaroo called Bouncy to add to her menagerie. Min, the kangaroo I fed last time, had been a bit ill so I had to hold her still while Kate gave her an antibiotic shot. She's so cute and I held her paws as I cuddled her. I then went to the beach which was awesome as the sea was so rough and the beach was only a few metres wide, compared to the thirty or so it normally is. Where does all that water come from? In the evening, I finished reading The Prophet, which I'd dismissed (or rather not appreciated in the past), lit a fire in the homestead (main house) and then Jess bought me a cheese platter and wine.

Monday, I did some washing and then we did yoga and had dinner in the Cliff House - look on the website to see its coolness. My job was to light the fire. In front of which is a pit with fluffy cushions and rugs where we hung out and drunk more wine and ate chocolate. (A lethal combination, me and fluffiness and wine but somehow I didn't spill anything.)

Tuesday we went to Kingscote for lunch (via some puppies - they were so cute, three of them hanging onto their mother to drink at the same time) and did some shopping, then came back and did yoga which nearly killed me (esp my abs - two days running tho, pretty hardcore) and then had dinner in the homestead.

Wednesday, I did more laundry in the morning and then babysat for George's kids in the afternoon.

One of the things I love most about the island is the animals, and the space, although obviously the two go together. George has got loads of animals: one horse, three ponies, a sheep, a pet magpie (Aussie magpies are much friendlier and lots of people have ones they've rescued as pets), some other birds, a feral cat called Snorkel who's now not feral at all, a dog and probably some other animals I've forgotten about.

The animals and space, I love it. Oh and the scenery is pretty good too. And the people really friendly and 306 other reasons why I don't want to leave.

2007-10-28T11:56:00.000Z

Part two: Learning.
If you think I've gone mad, which probably you do, then here's why I haven't.

I've just been going through my papers, notes, stuff because I'm having to reconcile myself with the fact that it might be time to move on. The retreat is closing down for ten days and while I can still stay here, Rachel and Jess will be away for some of that period so it won't be so fun. And while there are books for me to read and things to learn, I feel that if I don't go now (not now as in now this second but now this period) I never will. So I've looked into trains to Melbourne and think that in a week or so I will leave. Although I've said that before.

Today it's easier to think of leaving as it's a windy and rainy day and while I'm all snugly by the fire inside, the beach isn't luring me to stay like normal.

This is what I wrote a couple of weeks ago: "It's so exciting, I've finished painting and now am thinking what shall I do before dinner. I have nothing to do! Of course, there are lots of things I want to do but I don't have to tidy up before sitting down. I can just sit and listen to music. My room's pretty tidy, the kitchen's tidy and the sitting room and bathroom are tidy. Yay! What a feeling to not be surrounded by papers and rubbish and mess.

"I've had a lovely relaxing day and spent all afternoon painting and I was so relaxed and happy listening to music. My stomach (which had been bad in the morning) felt much better after I saw Rach and Jess and did some work. Later I ran down to the beach like an over-excited child and then went over to get some white paint so I could paint the crests of the waves and finish my picture.

"So what film tonight?"

As I said yesterday, I've never been so peaceful as an adult. I used to say, I'd give anything to be a child again. Which is obviously both a pretty stupid and negative thing to say. But it was how I felt. So what did I like about being a child? I liked playing or rather the thought of playing as a child; the happiness you experience when you play, the ability to escape into play and not into thoughts. I loved playing. Playing is the best. When I told my friends this, they said, you can play as an adult and that's what you should do. And while this is true, I didn't feel it was the answer I was looking for, it made some sense but not total sense.

So what is the answer? What's so great about being a child? Children live in the now as Eckhart Tolle says we all should. They might be aware of the past and have minimal thoughts about the future but essentially they live in the now. They live in the now because they are totally present, they are not thinking about other things, when they play they are totally playing. They experience the world with an awe and an enthusiasm because it's all new, which is what we should do. Or rather it's what we do as children but lose as we get older. Everything becomes so familiar that we no longer look, we no longer see. Do we ever not do this? When we travel we look at the world afresh, we are much more aware of our surroundings of what's happening, of new people and places. But you don't need to go travelling now, open your eyes and look around you at the things you take for granted everyday. Take a look at nature and marvel at the trees and plants and insects.

Experience now, this second, with every cell in your body and allow, just allow, this moment to be. Stop. Don't think, just feel the moment. Now. Don't think about what you're going to do or what you've done. Just enjoy the moment for what it is. All it is. Don't wish you were somewhere else or doing something else. Don't try and by happy, don't look for happiness, learn to appreciate the moment, learn to live in the moment and you will experience a calm and an inner stillness. Indeed a lightness I never thought I'd be able to experience and from this happiness came. It was just there. And that's all there is to it. Imagine that, a scwillion amazing moments just waiting for you to experience them. Try it.

You think I'm copping out of life? In fact, I'm saying yes to life. I'm not trying to avoid it, I'm not waiting for some better moment to come along, I'm experiencing it for all it is. Do you think children don't live because they don't think like adults? Of course not. And I'm getting my wish to be a child again.

2007-10-27T10:41:00.000+01:00

Part one: Awakening. (You might have read some of this post before - it was the one I published before I meant to. Anyway here is the first part in its refined and updated form.)

I finished reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth yesterday - it was perfect. For me, anyway. I don't expect everyone to find it perfect or even appreciate it because it might not be for you, not at this time in your life anyway but if anything I write here resonates with what you think or feel then I thoroughly recommend it. Others may think I've gone mad but I think, for the first time, that I'm not mad. In fact, I feel more sane than I've ever felt and I know that because I feel a stillness and a happiness that I've never known before.

I worry that my new found state won't last but I think that's just because, like anything, when you're so used to something, when a way of thinking's been with you for years and years, you can't imagine that there is another way. And taking on a whole new philosophy takes some adjusting but it's not like I've suddenly arrived at the this point, by any stretch of the imagination.

If you'd told me a few years ago that I'd be writing this, I wouldn't have believed you, even a few months ago I would have struggled with the concept. A few months ago I was struggling with the concept of living in the present, never mind the now. (I see the present as being the day or week, now is now, this second.)

Two years ago, a guy on the cf message boards was trying to help someone who was really struggling to cope with cf and explained how he'd turned his life around by reading. I can't remember what books he recommended but I know they were about changing your philosophy on life and am pretty sure they were similar to the ones I'm reading now.

At the time, I laughed. Not a happy laugh, an angry how dare you laugh. I was so mad. Livid. How dare he say that I could change my life by reading. Didn't he realise how much crap I'd been through? Didn't he realise how hard my life was? Maybe some people could do that, maybe some people could read a book and feel better but not me, my problems were way too big for that. And, of course, if my problems could be solved by reading a book then that diminished them. I replied saying how dare he say you could just do away with depression. Did he not realise the pain and suffering and anguish I was going through? I couldn't see that he was trying to help. And there was no way I was ready for how he was trying to help me.

So how did I get here? I learnt from Richard (my therapist) that you can't trust your mind; that your mind creates fiction so while you may think something's a fact, the fact is actually your mind's interpretation of a situation; it is subjective. It took me quite a long time to appreciate this.

I lived through my mind. My mind was me. My thoughts defined me and if I didn't think then I wouldn't be me. Surely? Now I was being told that my mind wasn't telling me the truth and if I couldn't trust my mind then what did that mean? All I did was think and think. I couldn't concentrate I thought so much, I couldn't read or sometimes even watch TV. My mind was buzzing - it was alive, I thought it was good but I now realise it was bad. I thought about past things all the time, over and over again I played out situations and conversations and experiences in my head. And they weren't happy thoughts - they were negative thoughts, bad thoughts, depressing thoughts, victim thoughts. This happened to me, he said this, she did this, it's unfair. Over and over, different people, different situations, same result.

Richard taught me about common thinking errors (here's a cool Aussie website which explains them nicely) of which I had many. So I learnt, slowly, not to trust what my mind was telling me.

Then I came here to the retreat and in the first few days, I was sitting on the beach looking at the sea, enjoying watching the waves break on the shore, being happy to be on the sand and being happy to be in a beautiful location. But I thought something was wrong with me, I couldn't write. I thought, why can't I write? That's what I do, that's what I always do. Why have I got no thoughts going through my head?

The next day was the same but instead of worrying that I couldn't write, I experienced a stillness and a peace that I'd never felt before (or never as an adult anyway).

I know it's much easier to be content on an empty beautiful beach and I was scared that if I left, the peace would evaporate but then I listened to Eckhart Tolle's CD and read his book and it answered so many of my questions and made so much sense to me. I will explain more in my next blog but his core teachings, thanks to Wikipedia are below:

You are not your thoughts. You are the awareness behind the thoughts. Thoughts are often negative and painful, yearning for or fearing something in the future, complaining about something in the present or fearing a matter from the past. However, the thoughts are not you; they are a construct of the ego. Awareness of your thoughts without being caught up in them is the first step to freedom.

Only the present moment exists. That is where life is (indeed it is the only place life can truly be found). Becoming aware of the 'now' has the added benefit that it will draw your attention away from your (negative) thoughts. Use mindfulness techniques to fully appreciate your surroundings and everything you are experiencing. Look and listen intently. Give full attention to the smallest details.

Accept the present moment. It is resistance to the present moment that creates most of the difficulties in your life. However, acceptance does not mean that you cannot take action to rectify the situation you are in. What is important is to drop resistance so that you let the moment be, and that any action arises from deeper awareness rather than from resistance. The vast majority of pain in a person's life comes from resistance to what is.

Eckhart Tolle talks about the need to relinquish thoughts which is the first step to awareness and while this might seem alien to you, he says how some people find it easy to relinquish thoughts because their thoughts have caused them so much pain. That's how I feel; my thoughts betrayed me, well they didn't betray me, they thought and that's what thoughts do. But they did cause me lots of pain and I don't want to experience the pain anymore. I hated being me, I wanted to get away from me, and from my thoughts. I thought it was impossible but now I don't. Now I know it's not.

You might read this and think how can I go from thinking so much to not thinking, from being so ridiculously unhappy to being so content? And you might think that I'm never going to keep this happiness up. But here's something I thought I'd never say, never in a million years. Everything I've been through, everything, I no longer resent because if I hadn't been through them then I wouldn't be here now. And not only am I relinquishing thought but I relinquishing the bitterness that was eating me up inside.

2007-10-25T11:04:00.000+01:00

Cool things that have happened since my last blog (in no particular order):

I went to yoga again and it rocked, again. And did a bit more here as well.

I drove the Jackaroo (jeep-type thing) back from Kingscote (which is about an hour's drive away) and then to and from Kingscote which is pretty scary as the roads are mainly unsealed so all the grit piles up like sand making them rigidity and rough and slippy. The high prevalence of kangaroos, wallabies and possums who jump full-speed out of the bush and onto the roads also adds to the stress of the journey. So while I've spent most of my time in Oz desperate to see native wildlife now I'm desperate not to see them.

I took part in the community penguin census and using my newly-found penguin-honing skills found a penguin nest with two chicks in it and them saw lots more very cute chicks (or baby penguins as I like to call them).

I read Illusions by Richard Bach (of Jonathan Livingston Seagull-fame) and really, really liked it.

I went to the other side of the island with George, Rachel's cousin and her two little kids, who are adorable, and did lots of touristy things (sorry no pics as while I remembered my camera, I forgot to charge it) including: walking to Remarkable Rocks; seeing lots of New Zealand fur seals sleeping, playing and fighting at Admirals Arch; spotting 30 koalas at Hanson Bay; walking along Vivonne Bay which was voted one of the top beaches in Australia; rolling down the massive sand dune at Little Sahara until I felt like I was going to be sick; sandboarding (once) and taking a guided tour of some cool caves, with lots of stalactites and stalagmites, which are unusual because they were created in a sand dune.

I also learnt how the local park rangers messed up a burn-off and instead of burning 100 hectares burnt 1000. The fire was pretty intense and in some parts just a few blackened twigs remain giving the impression that the area has suffered from some kind of nuclear fallout.

I fed some horses including a week-old foal.

I looked after an eight-week old puppy for the afternoon and took him to the beach where he feel asleep in my lap.

I saw lots of pelicans (and took pictures of them).

I played Scrabble three times.

I cleaned lots of windows (am getting better at it but don't think I'm going to make window cleaner of the year).

I watched some films, of which, Tuesdays with Morrie was the best.

I watered the garden some more and the cucumbers and tomatoes are growing lots.

I went to meet the school bus which had a box of food for us from the local shop. How cool is that?

I feel asleep on the beach (I think only once).

We had another party at the Stone House and partook in crazy dancing until the early hours,

And today I finally moved out of the Stone House, luckily of me, the guests were upgraded to the Cliff House, so I got to stay on but now I've moved to the flat which is still pretty cool although I am tempted by the Teepee in the garden...

2007-10-18T05:16:00.001+01:00

Why do I write things like "The Alchemist which, incidentally, Rob was reading"? (Where should that question mark go, it looks weird outside the quotes but it's not part of the original quote.) Anyway before I get further distracted and go off on another tangent, which is actually quite apt, the point is, why did I write that? Because there was no incidentally about it, if Rob hadn't been reading The Alchemist, I would never have picked it up from Rachel's shelves.

This is what I love about travelling or more specifically about my life at the moment. Sometimes I think about what I'd be doing if I was still in Leeds and all I can think about is being stuck and trapped and unhappy. And I'm so glad I didn't get that job in Birmingham because while it might've made me a bit happier, all my underlying issues would've still been there but now I feel that I'm addressing the fundamental core beliefs that I have about myself and drastically changing not only who I am but how I fit into the world.

Anyway my life has moved on so much that there's no point in thinking about what would be happening because everything would have been different; if I hadn't booked my tickets to come away, the summer would have been unrecognisable as I'm not sure I would've gone to my friends' weddings but I did and I had a great time and they set me up well for Oz.

So here I am and what I'm trying to say is that it's amazing how things happen and link together and lead you from one thing to the next. Maybe this happened before or maybe I didn't do enough things for it to happen or meet enough people. But it if did, one thing's for certain I didn't have enough confidence to carry them through.

When Rob told me after I'd only been in Oz for a couple of days that he was going to leave me earlier than planned, my little face fell and I thought, How am I going to survive? What's going to happen to me? I can't go travelling on my own, can I?

So I did the only thing I could do and contacted people in Adelaide who I knew, or rather vaguely knew.

Fiona had met a lady from SERVAS who wanted someone to speak at their annual conference which was being held during my last week at Oxfam. Fiona and Kim were busy so it was down to me to me. I didn't know what SERVAS was but when I looked it up, I was pleasantly surprised. It was set up as a peace organisation and to promote peace, it fosters understanding of cultures which it does by setting up a network whereby travellers can go and stay with hosts...for free. I joined SERVAS at the conference (you normally have to be interviewed but they figured my talk was sufficient to allow me in... (the talk I wrote on the train, when will I ever learn?)) and met a lovely girl called Hannah as well as lots of other really friendly people from across the globe.

Anyway I told Hannah that I was going to Oz and she said if I was going to Adelaide, I should go and stay with her parents who were SERVAS hosts. So I did just that. I emailed Maureen and Andrew and went to stay with them and their daughter Lucy for a weekend and had the best time. For those of you who don't know, my middle name is Hannah so they decided that my parents had good taste and it caused us all lots of amusement although I don't think Lucy was amused by having another Lucy in her house which caused a bit of confusion. Maureen and Andrew told me that the last SERVAS traveller they had went to KI to do Wwoofing which gave me the idea that I should come here and do it too.

The whole point in the story is that I'm surrendering to life and am enjoying going down this new path and wondering where it will take me. I would definitely recommend The Alchemist to anyone who hasn't read it but with Eckhart Tolle as my new guru, I was like, yeah, yeah I know all that; I'm spiritually-awakened now me.

2007-10-17T11:33:00.001+01:00

If you looked at my blog yesterday you would've seen the start of my latest philosophical essay. The computer (always blame the computer, it's never my fault) was playing up so I published my masterpiece before it was ready. Oh I've just realised that proclaiming your own piece of work a masterpiece isn't what's normally done and now I've raised any expectations you might have to ridiculously high levels. Anyway, it's not finished yet.

Practical things are that I've booked my tickets from Melbourne to Christchurch on 3 December. YAY! I have to be out of Oz by 6 December because I only have a three month visa and picked Christchurch because it was the cheapest place in NZ to fly to and seemed as good a place as any. And anyway I'll get to the other cities and sites along the way. I will, honestly. I won't spend all my time in one place like I have done here.

Here's still good but the atmosphere and tempo have changed because all the other staff came back on Monday. It's still good but not as good. Before I had the run of the lovely big kitchen and got to use the juice machine and make yummy juices all day long. Now I've been kicked out because the chefs are back - well, I guess you can't have everything. I've still been enjoying the work and the tomato plants have grown loads as have the strawberries and fennel and some other plants I'm not sure what they are.

I've also been sorting out a shed and have found lots of treasures including a 1975 map of Kangaroo Island as well as some moisturiser and other toiletries which are on my shopping list. That and a very dead mouse. It's easy sorting out junk when it's not your own and there's plenty of junk here. It's been quite cathartic and I keep thinking, why have they kept this stuff? It doesn't work. My now thinking is definitely helping me with getting rid of stuff, so I should be up for a big purge when I get back.

Today I had to do some office work which hasn't been so fun although I did still get a gorgeous afternoon on a secret mini-beach at the other end of the Snelling's Beach which I only found the other day. I sat there with the sun beaming down on me and read The Alchemist which, incidentally, Rob was reading while we were camping. I'm really liking it and it is totally in tune with my 'now' philosophy. And now I'm getting yummy food cooked for me-we either get the leftovers from the guests or the chefs cook us (staff) scrumptious meals so I can't complain too much.

But I'm thinking that it's time to move on. I'm moving out of my lovely Stone House on Friday where I've been thoroughly spoilt with a sea view and wallabies to welcome me home most evenings. I think sometime next week I should leave but not KI as I still haven't seen most of its highlights. Is The December Boys with Daniel Radcliffe out in the UK? That's set here on KI and the peninsula between here and Adelaide. So check it out if you want to see where I (sort of) am.

I've also changed my ticket home to sometime far in the future...

2007-10-12T07:55:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was amazing.

Rachel and Jess who run the retreat came back from Adelaide on Wednesday and cooked dinner for Kate (who runs the cafe), her boyfriend and me. They bought the food up to The Stone House and we had dinner there. The food was yummy, (Rachel is a top chef which is why people pay so much to come here), the drink great (lots of red sparkling wine) and dance moves, funky. Well I have been practising quite a lot.

So surprise, surprise, I woke up not feeling so great the next day, especially as Kate left at 2.45am! (Rachel and Jess weren't drinking as they are on a forty-day cleansing diet. More of that in my next blog.) Luckily my task in the morning wasn't too taxing as I just had to unpack loads of wine and in my not-quite-so-with-it-state I spent ages doing it and got quite obsessed about all the bottles lining up and looking pretty.

In the afternoon we went to Kingscote where Rachel runs a yoga class and I was getting ridiculously excited about going to town - as I hadn't been to any shops for over a week. It takes about 45 minutes to drive to Kingscote, most of which is on unsealed roads and I wasn't feeling so great but Rachel said that yoga was the best thing for a hangover and then we started listening to Eckhart Tolle- 'The Power of Now' guy which made me feel lots better.

He is so cool as he talks about being in the now and just 'being' which is all that matters and really links into how I've been feeling recently especially when I've been on my own here - I've just been enjoying the moment for what it was, and, after all, that's all it is. That's all anything is. I didn't catch it all because the road was pretty bumpy but I'm definitely going to borrow the CD.

After the excitement of not only the chemist, but the butcher's, health food shop and organic market we went to yoga. I know everyone's been telling me that I should go to yoga and how great it will be for me but I guess I wasn't ready before. Yesterday going to yoga seemed the most easy and natural thing for me to do but I would never have done it at home. I would have thought that I didn't have the time or energy...

Rachel told us to relax at the start of the class but I was thinking that I was more stressed than I'd been for days as I was apprehensive about whether I'd be able to do it or not. I was pretty happy with the warm up but then it got a bit more hardcore although I found the standing and floor positions easier and some of them I was quite good at. (I know that's not the point to be good at them straight away but it still made me feel pretty happy.) It helped that Rachel's a really good teacher and not only did I survive the two-hour class (it ran over a bit) but felt really great afterwards.

We then went to the fish and chip shop and had oysters and locally-caught whiting and then the video shop. I don't think I've ever enjoyed the experience of going to a video shop so much before but I really felt like was the most fun thing ever. On the way back we listened to more Eckhart Tolle, had a really interesting chat about it, unpacked all the shopping and then I went to my house and watched a film.

It's great to have energy.

Now I'm going to go to the beach before it gets dark as I didn't go yesterday and am suffering withdrawal symptoms.

2007-10-09T10:00:00.000+01:00

Well here's something I thought I'd never say; life is sweet.

Obviously I'm a bit worried about everything going wrong but then I haven't transformed into a new person, I've just travelled to the other side of the world which happens to be something I always wanted to do.

So I arrived in Kangaroo Island the Saturday before last and I had in my mind that I wanted to stay on the island for a while. I found out there was Wwoofing here (Willing workers on organic farms), a scheme whereby you do half a days work in return for board and keep. Although I was a bit nervous about joining as I wasn't sure if I'd be able to be a wwoofer because I wasn't sure how physical the work would be.

I joined in Adelaide and received a book with all the addresses of farms and farm-like places who want wwoofers. As I was a bit ill, I put off phoning for a few days but when I felt better, I phoned people with cafes on their farms as I thought the work would be less physical and I'd be more able to cope with it. However when I got round to phoning, they either didn't need anyone or already had help and (as you might've picked up by now) I'm not very good at planning, I started to worry a little bit (actually I didn't really worry because I'm in this new happy-go-lucky frame of mind and I thought, well I haven't even called all the people on KI and I can always hang out at the youth hostel a bit longer until something comes up. Especially as the hostel guy was letting me stay for free in return for doing a bit of weeding.)

Anyway I wasn't having much luck but I saw an ad on the jobs noticeboard in the hostel. I didn't know what it was but I phoned up and the person I spoke to was really friendly and said the lady who looks after the garden was on holiday so it was really good timing (and lucky for me especially as she'd put the notice up months maybe years ago)... She said she just needed to sort a few things out and so I called her the next day (after being wowed by the website) and we arranged I'd go on Wednesday (last week). I love the freedom of going to a hostel and just phoning up about work and going off and doing it. I thought I'd never be able to do something like that but now I can and I love it. It's so cool because if it works out you can stay and if it doesn't then you can leave. No pressure, just freedom.

Rachel (cool lovely lady who runs the retreat and teaches yoga) met me in Kingscote (the main town on KI). There's no public transport on the island except a shuttle bus which runs once a day and links in with the ferry, so I had to get that. It was pretty cool because we had to make a detour to pick up and drop off post! I love things like that.

Rachel and I stocked up in Kingscote as the retreat is 45 minutes away from the town. Or pretty much anywhere for that matter... It did stress me out a little bit but that's only when I think about its remoteness. When I'm doing my jobs and sitting on the beach, I don't think about it. Rachel said there wasn't any food at the retreat but to me there were more vegetables and cheeses and meats and general food than I'd ever seen anywhere in my whole life except in a supermarket. They'd had a cancellation after they'd bought all the food so my first job was to start munching my way through it. :)

I then watered the garden (I've never done so much gardening in my whole life, oh yes, I've never actually done any gardening in my life) and settled into my new house - The Stone House. I'm really lucky because all the backpacker accommodation is being used for storage so I get to hang out in a cool house, where I can breakfast looking over the beach and wallabies are waiting for me when I get home (although I think I'm getting kicked out this week). Sometimes I take my dinner up there and then I watch a dvd and dance around the house to eighties music, of which, to my excitement there is an extensive collection. I never realised before how much difference a good stereo makes, thinking gold wires and such like were just for geeks but having a great stereo is awesome - although I hope I haven't deafened any wallabies.

So here I am. I can't believe I've been here nearly a week and I'm loving it. The retreat has been closed and pretty much everyone has been away except me so I've had chilled out days doing work such as cleaning snorkels, weeding, watering, washing and then hanging out on the beach in the afternoon.

Over the weekend I helped out at a gallery/cafe up the hill which was really cool especially as Kate, who runs the cafe, takes in injured animals. She has a baby wallaby who lives in a beanie in her bedroom and baby kangaroo who I bottle-fed and who comes into the gallery at night because she gets scared.

People are back tomorrow so I think it will be a bit more hectic but I'm liking the lifestyle. It's so exciting that I can actually do some work AND do other things in the afternoon/evening without being too tired (although having said that I did fall asleep on the beach this afternoon but I've been sleeping pretty-much like a normal person (almost)). I'm also learning new skills and liking the way that the work I do actually makes a difference (in a practical sense) -watering the garden or making the guy who's mowing the lawn lunch. These things are important, I'm helping to keep the retreat running and that makes me feel good (that and all the great music).

2007-10-02T14:05:00.000+01:00

Well tomorrow I go to the retreat. I spoke to the lady today and it's all fine. Hurrah! I'm not sure if there's email there so you might not hear from me for a while. I've realised that I've missed out a big chunk of my trip but because I don't feel like I'm travelling any more (travelling seems to have just morphed into a big holiday) I can't quite get the momentum up to write it.

(By the way Cheezels (corn and rice cheese snack) are really yummy, I don't think they're very good for you or the keyboard for that matter as my fingers are all greasy).

Animal/reptile update - a black tiger snake (sleeping luckily as apparently it's the third most dangerous snake in the whole world), a goanna (should have put that on the other day plus lizards and black skinks), a dolphin, more penguins, some black cat-like thing (not sure what that was but it ran away from me pretty quickly), a legless lizard (which does actually have legs), an evil-looking centipede and another possum.

Fi - the boys, the boys. Rob (in most of the pics) and his brother Jono (only in one*). Don't think there are any pics of David* which is a bit sad. But yep, me and loads of males giving me lots of attention. No wonder I'm so happy ;)

*Postscript I mean close-up pics. David is the one in the red jacket.

2007-10-01T10:48:00.000+01:00

I've sorted out the link now, turned some pics around so you don't have to stand on your head to look at them and added more.

But here's the coolest thing ever. I'm a bit worried to write about it because it all seems too good to be true. But this is where I'm staying next http://www.life-time.com.au.

Woohoo! I haven't won the lottery and am not going to be paying the $850 a night fee but I will be staying there for free in return for doing three hours work a day. It's probably a good job that I'll have to go to the mainland in the next month of so to restock my meds otherwise I might just stay here forever and ever.

2007-09-30T14:12:00.001+01:00

Some (unedited) pics at http://picasaweb.google.com/lucyhglynn

2007-09-30T12:51:00.000+01:00

Oh I forgot to add yesterday, galahs (of the flaming variety) and a yabby (or is it yabbie) of Yabby/Yabbie creek fame.

Today was muchly cool and I saw 54 little fairy penguins including some baby ones. The baby ones just stay by the nests making lots of noise while waiting for their parents to come back and feed them and their parents are sooo cute waddling up the shore in their little groups and then stopping for no apparent reason and then carrying on back to their nests which are scattered all over the cliff.

I also saw loads of wallabies toady. I now know that wallabies are completely different to kangaroos in that they are very small and much more rabbit-like although soooo much better than rabbits (especially rabbits in Australia as they are wiping out the indigenous species). I went on this really cool walk along the coast as I'd heard there were wallabies along that way and expected to see one or two. I'd planned my walk carefully so I'd arrive in the late afternoon which is when wallabies come out to play but I panicked a bit when I got there because the info board said the walk would take me three hours to complete and there weren't that many daylight hours left. And you know how I like to complete walks.

However I needn't have worried as I forgot I'd been trained in the Rob and David school of hiking and so anything after the Sterling Ranges would be easy peesy. So the lesiurely walk along the coastal path and back told me only just over an hour and that was with stopping to take pics of wallabies of which there were loads. On the way up, I saw 41 and on the way down 45 and I wasn't really looking that on the way back because I didn't want to stop them from wallabying about in the late afternoon sun and felt bad about disturbing them. And I even saw a mummy wallaby with a baby wallaby in her pouch. Are they called Joeys or is that just kangaroos? Anyway that was really, really cool.

2007-09-29T12:50:00.000+01:00

Well I've made it to Kangaroo Island (KI)- the place I've been obsessed with for the past few weeks. I arrived on the evening ferry so I haven't had a good chance to see the island yet but I have already seen one of the little penguins that live on the island. In fact they live just over the road from the hostel and are so the cutest things ever. I only saw one because I decided to go out just as it started raining and I don't think the penguins like the rain but at least I managed to test out my new purple waterproof/windproof jacket and was pretty impressed.

I saw a pelican on my way to the island which is the second pelican I've seen. Other animals are: possum and baby possum, two possums in the park and two possums in a possum box, lots of beaut (Aussism) parrots in the park, a snake (black with yellow belly and pretty close...), a bandicoot (the one that ate my meds), lots of kangaroos, I think I saw a wallaby although I'm not sure if it was one or just a little kangaroo. I've heard lots of frogs croaking at night and heard lots of little penguins although just seen one so far. Plus an eagle (from the Indian-Pacific) and lots of pretty birds. Chooks (is that how you spell it) in the garden of the lovely people I stayed with last weekend and they also had a baby turtle too.

I think that's about it for now but my animal count will shortly go up as KI is the place for animals and so obviously I plan to spend a lot of time here.

2007-09-26T05:02:00.000+01:00

Did you notice that I spell-checked my last entry? Guess you would've realised given that I finally learnt how to spell kangaroo. Bit rubbish really as it is my favourite thing about Oz.

Wasn't sure whether to write this blog but I seem to be so here it is... Hope that hasn't freaked anyone out too much. There's nothing to freak out about really, it's just that my chest is being a bit rubbish so am having a chilled day in Adelaide YHA. Which if your chest is going to be annoying and you want a relaxed day is a pretty good place to hang out. There's a lovely view of the park, nice computers, comfy sofas and newspapers (well one which some old guy has hogged although he keeps walking off and making food and drinks and seems completely unable to multi-task. I guess he is a guy after all). Anyway as I couldn't read the paper I started reading a magazine which looked pretty average from the front cover but had a really cool interview with a Paralympic athlete called Katrina Webb which really resonated with how I'm thinking at the moment.

She says: "The more I learned about leaders and successful people the more I realised that the best people were those who really knew themselves; they accepted who they were. They are people who say, 'this is me, this is what I have got...stuff happens in life, but it's not what happens to me, it's what I do about it that's important'. It's about realising, 'it's my ability to respond because that is what I have control over, and that is what is going to make the difference."

And: "Unfortunately, some people who have had a setback no matter whether it is physically or emotionally, also make a harsh judgement on themselves. My message is not about telling people about my medals, but being proud of the fact I was able to find myself to give me the inner strength to get the best out of my life."

While I'm in a (positive) introspective mood, I want to say a big thank you to Angel. I just checked out her blog and as well as taking part in the Hydroactive challenge for the second year running (muchly well done there), had just been to the funeral of her friend Robyn. Angel writes "I know I couldn't save Robyn all on my own". Maybe not but she'd done a hell of a lot for saving other people, including myself.

This is what I wrote the other day on the train:

Angel taught me that not only can you have cf and have a great life but also and importantly that whatever cf does to you, you don't have to hate it. Accept it and learn to live with it and don't waste valuable energy battling with yourself. However I used to try and rationalise my irrational thoughts, there is no me without cf. I don't hate cf, I don't hate myself anymore and I don't think, why me?

The other day Rob came into my room and joked about all my medicines spread out and covering the floor (obviously) and Jono (Rob's brother) said I'd already had the piss taken out of me for having so many medicines. And I said, "I'm proud of my medicines." They thought I was joking but I wasn't. I was proud of my meds (probably for the first time). Proud of them for keeping me well and keeping me alive because I want to keep well and keep alive. I'm proud of my meds because they're me and, I think, I'm proud of being me.

2007-09-24T02:55:00.000+01:00

I've just been trying to upload some pics onto my blog but for some reason the computer keeps uploading them into the ether. Oh well, I guess you'll just have to make do with my descriptions.

Camping in the Sterling Range mountains was awesome (good Aussie world) and Rob was especially impressed with my dedication to sleeping under canvas as every time he suggested we go to a proper campsite/hostel I kept saying it was boring.

I did a couple of really steep walks and was only a bit grumpy on the first one (Mount Trio) as it had those really annoying different height and length steps built into the path which meant I couldn't get into any sort of pace or control my breath. After about ten minutes like a true adult, I announced to Rob and David, "I don't like walk" in extra-special grumpy-me fashion. Yep, no, "Hey guys please can you slow down a bit and any chance pretty please can you carry my bag for me as I'm finding it pretty tough..." But the lovely boys responded to my grumpiness as if I'd said the above and kindly carried all my stuff to the top. Hurrah!

That afternoon, they climbed Mount Bluff, the highest mountain in the range, and I had a nice time reading my book in the sun. When they came back we cooked dinner in the visitor area (which was quite high up, so maybe they didn't climb that high afterall...) and watched the sun set over the national park.

The next day Rob picked a walk (Toolbrumup Peak which is just higher than 1000km) which didn't include evil steps although it was still pretty steep but it did include lots of bouldering at the top which was fun. Also at the top were really cool stones with ripples on them, created when the rocks were at the bottom of the sea. Going down was pretty tough too and I could hardly walk the next day as my calves were killing so much. (No longer did I laugh at David and Rob for doing stretching beforehand. But stretching? Who does that before sport except when you are at school?)

In the evenings we cooked great food on our little camping stove, had hot chocolate and some possums came to see us. And not just one possum a possum with a (big) baby on his back. I was sooo excited. I didn't manage to get a pic of them but I did get one of a possum later, although they are probably the worse pictures of possums that you've ever seen as I couldn't see in the dark and managed to get his ears in one and his tail in another. In fact, cycling through the park in Adelaide this weekend, I realised that my night vision is completely useless. Obviously I need to eat more carrots but also I have always been pretty rubbish at taking my vitamins. I know, I know that vitamins are really important for you, me, everyone but because I an't see the immediate benefits, they get left out. But now, having also just purchased a guide to Australian mammals and seeing that they are all pretty much nocturnal, my vitamin A and D tabs are going to become my new favourite meds. Plus I'll be buying a fab new torch from the camping shop.

No I haven't got a torch because I was going to use my phone for a torch, and a watch and an alarm clock but I promptly forgot all this when I decided to leave my phone at home because I didn't think it would work over here. But having left Rob now, I thought that telling the time would probably be a good thing and so I have purchased a phone. It looks pretty Lucy-proof, something I forgot about when I was buying my camera. However it passed its first test when I didn't zip up my rucksack and as I turned round it flew out of my bag and crashed down onto the granite. Luckily it was in its case. The same case that I'd just chucked on the sand the day before not thinking that it probably wasn't the best thing to do. Incidentally, Rob said he's never seen so much sand in a tent before. And we were hardly on the beach. But how is it that some people can still on towel on a beach and stay completely sand free? I only have to go within 10 metres of a beach and I am covered from head to toe.

Anyway back in the mountains, David read his book to us which was really lovely and the next night Rob continued reading and I was so happy sitting in the bush all wrapped up with five layers on, that I wanted to stay there forever.

On the final morning in the Sterling Range, Rob and David got up at about six and went for another walk. I declined the invitation due to the fact that they were firstly going up another massive hill and I could hardly walk 5 metres without extreme agony and secondly, they were getting up at 6am. When they came back, we then started the drive back north to Kalgoorlie. We stopped at Hyden and walked around a cool granite outcrop called Wave Rock, which err unsurprisingly looks like a wave. Then we drove to another granite outcrop with a cave which has some aboriginal art work in it. Even though it said no camping, we decided to camp there and I was really scared the ranger would come in the middle of the night with his torchlight and rumble us and I'd be deported. Obviously I had a nightmare about this but it was fine.

The next day we got up about 6am and although initially I was going to stay in bed, the thought of the ranger appearing meant that I jumped out of the tent and joined the boys for a walk up The Humps. I can't really describe how great this was but with the early morning sun and mist and pockets of greenery and trees growing out of the cracks and fissures (do they mean the same thing?) and little water pools on this vast outcrop, the place had a magical quality which I couldn't capture by camera. Although maybe I'm just a rubbish photographer. The outcrop used to be covered in rainforest and some little plants have managed to evolve and live on from their rainforest days. How cool is that?

Then it was home time and I did my fair share of driving including about 40km on an unsealed (dirt) road which was really good and made better because it was morning so there weren't any kangaroos jumping about. And that just about brings you up to where I wrote from Kal. Our total trip was 3,000km. Not sure about the carbon neutrality of that but it was fun. Hopefully some pictures to follow shortly.

2007-09-19T09:57:00.000+01:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Sorry about before, I ran out of money and quickly had to post my blog before it all disappeared. Also as I've got less time to make my blogs sound beautiful and to compose my sentences constructively (and check spelling) you'll just have to put up with a lower-standard of writing. Anyway, things are good.

After I wrote my first entry, I went out of the shed at the campsite, crossed the road and came across a beautiful white sand beach with blue sea with pine trees behind it and ever better, I had it all to myself. Then I drove (yes, me) to Cape Le Grand national park where we camped for one night. That was where Rob and I did two walks in one day thanks to us blagging a lift from an English couple after the first walk. We walked to a beautiful beach called Hellfire Bay which again had white sand, beautiful clear blue sea (which because it was on the Southern coast was pretty cold although not too cold to paddle) and no people. About half way into our walk I'd said to Rob I couldn't walk there AND back so we could either walk half-way there or we could walk there and he could walk back and come and pick me up. He, he. Anyway he said he would do this. Ahhhh he's so sweet but in the end we got a lift which meant we could walk up Frenchman Peak which has a cave at the top caused by the sea when the sea level was so much higher a long, long time ago.

That night a kangeroo with a death-wish decided to walk into the road, luckily Rob saw it in time but I'm so glad I wasn't driving as I would probably have hit it and would still be crying about it and may even have had to run away on the next flight home. When we got to the campsite it was just getting dusk but the campsite owner-type people looked at us like we were mad and said we were brave as there was a storm coming! Rob wanted to get a cabin but I said no that was boring and somehow we managed to put up the tent in about two minutes (luckily it is the quickest tent to put up ever, ever but that was our record). Rob kept saying that the tent wouldn't last but we pitched it in the corner by the fences and tied it to the car (we borrowed Rob's brother's car and left him in Kalgoorlie!) and I said it'll be fine...And it was! Hurrah!

The next day we drove to Albany via Ravensthorpe where we visited a wild flower exhibition with hundreds of flowers that had been picked from the nearby bush. That night we stayed in a backpackers hostel which was cool and the people were really friendly and I thought, yay I can do this on my own. (Don't freak out please family).

There are whales in the seas near Albany but the friendly boat-man called Paul said the whales hadn't been spotted for a while and as it was really windy we were better off driving along the shore and looking for the whales from there. We decided to do this although after about ten seconds of arriving at the whale-spotting site, I realised that I wasn't cut out for any kind of spotting activity as I just don't have the patience to look into the deep blue ocean and try and find minuscule black things which could or couldn't be whales. So instead we went for a walk along the shore and saw a black skink and I picked up loads of really cool shells including two sea shells which you can actually hear the sea in. I think these are quite common in Oz but it was so exciting to actually find them.

Apparently it always rains in Albany and the afternoon was no exception so we found a nice vegetarian cafe with an open fire and had some food and I curled up on the sofa and read National Geographic magazines. Rob's friend David joined us then and in the evening they decided we should call by the wind farm. (Why do I always hang 0ut with mechanical engineers?) But I didn't mind too much as it was also a prime whale spotting site and I scoured the sea for any signs of whales or dolphins. (This was easier because the viewing point was on a raised platform so I had a much better view. But the sea was really rough and it was freezing cold and so I was all wrapped up with a hood over my head as I was set to be for the next few days during our camping trip).

After that we went to the coolest campsite ever. It wasn't really a campsite just a few places where you could camp (with some toilets) right next to the sea so when I lay in bed I could hear the waves crashing on the beach. Another beautiful beach. That night when we started cooking our dinner, we realised we'd left our food box and the Esky (Aussie for cool box) in the hostel! Luckily we had enough food to eat for our dinner because mine and Rob's disorganisation meant that food was distributed throughout the whole car. (I never realised that Rob and I were so similar before...) That night a Bandicoot came by and tried to eat our dinner, and later on he came back and tried to eat my Creon (meds) which obviously had managed to spill out of pocket all over the ground. Does anyone else have this problem? I leave a trail of the little brown and yellow pills everywhere I go. David said to me earlier today that if he ever sees another of those pills, he'll think of me...

From there we went to Walpole to see the giant red tingle trees and then we drove up the Sterling Range mountains where we've been hanging out for the past few days. Now I'm back in Kalgoorlie although only for a few hours as we're off on the Indian-Pacific train at midnight which will take us across the plain to Adelaide where we arrive at 7.20am on Friday.

Will post from there. xxxx

2007-09-13T03:47:00.000+01:00

Ooh this blogging from internet cafes is quite addictive.

The beaches here are amazing. Beautiful azure seas and white sand and no people. Rob and I walked to one yesterday in a national park and then up a hill. In fact, I think yesterday was the most productive day of my life. Up at 6 to see the sun rise- thought rob was going to let me go back to sleep but he didn't then loads of walking and then we pitched the tent just before a storm came.
Amazing stars at night and you can see the Milky Way

2007-09-11T03:56:00.000+01:00

Hellooooooooooo! Here I am on the other side of the world in Esperance! Yes, I made it although if it hadn't been for my sis, I'd probably still be stressing at home, moving piles of medicines around the floor and not knowing how to finish packing.

Catching a chest infection before I left probably wasn't the best idea I'd ever had but it seems to have almost gone and at least I'm getting to use up all the antibiotics I've been prescribed. Otherwise it would just be a waste carrying them here.

So, the flight was amazing I had only about an hour in Dubai (where I could see them creating new islands as I flew in) before catching a connecting flight to Perth. The flight was only a third full so everyone spread out and I could lie across three seats and get loads of sleep which was muchly needed as i was so stressed before I left. It was like I had an exam or something.

Anyway, lovely Rob met me at the airport and we went to the Criterion Hotel for a few hours which is apparently the oldest hotel in Perth and is a really cool art deco building. We got up early the next day to catch the prospector train to Kalgoorlie where Rob's brother lives. The next couple of days I did lots of sleeping and relaxing. We also went to the local shops where I saw what weird colours their crisp packets are - green for chicken and pink for salt and vinegar! Yep this trip is all about the important things.

I also saw lots of mines including the super pit which is mega, mega pit with lots of trucks with wheels the size of rooms moving around like ants (not a very original description but hey, ho).

The coolest thing was when we drove on into the bush on Sunday and saw kangeroos jumping about in front of us on the road. Unfortunately I didn't get to stroke them but hopefully next time.

Other than that, I'm loving the fact that I"m here and that it's only a month past winter and it's so hot. I'm also loving the rich red earth and my lack of stress. Hurrah!

Yesterday, Rob and I drove south to Esperance which is on the coast and where it is much greener. Today we're driving to a national park.

Will be in touch xx

2007-08-22T03:21:00.000+01:00

OMG it's 3.22 am and here I am but at least I'm not hogging the phone line when my landlady wants to use it. I've been on a mini tour of the UK and things have been going great and I've been having lots of fun (shock). Also (or maybe because of), I've been surprisingly calm about Oz and planning my trip but maybe that's because I haven't actually done any. At all. Hence my waking up stressing in the middle of the night.

I decided from speaking to everyone I know who has any links with Australia that I should stay longer than 2 months and seeing as I'm under 30, I thought hurrah I can get a working holiday visa. My friend applied for one the day before she went to Oz and having this in mind, I thought it would be easy.

Err yes much to your probable incomprehension, I completely forgot about the little matter that is cf... So when I saw all info about health and the dreaded need for a chest x-ray my panic levels became somewhat raised (this was last night, by the way). Now I come to think of it, about ten years ago, I read an article about someone with cf going to Australia and having to delay their entry date because they couldn't get a visa. Or was it insurance? Or maybe both. Um must definitely sort out my insurance tomorrow.

LUUCCCCYYY, when will you ever learn?

Anyway, after a quick panic email to my cf friend who spent 10 months in Australia and luckily emailed me back pretty promptly despite being in America, I realised that applying for the working holiday visa would be like throwing £70 down the drain. He had got his visa no problem but he had to go for a private x-ray and send in lots of letters from his docs which obviously took much longer than two weeks. Nothing unusual then and totally predictable but again, I forgot to engage my brain.

After I received his email, about half an hour ago, I panicked further when health seemed to be mentioned on every single visa and I saw myself not being able to get any visa and looking like Mrs Muppet of Muppetland after telling everyone I was going to the other side of the world.

But the internet saved the day again. I now have a three month holiday visa which means I can't work (but, to be honest, I was a bit stressed about how I was going to work and meet people and see Oz all at the same time) but I can do a bit of work (more my kind) including conservation-type things in return for board and keep.

Also, the visa is valid for a year so I'll just have to pop across to New Zealand after three months and stay there for a bit before going back to Oz. Now I've got used to this idea of going away, it seems madness to come back to the horrible British winter which is a breading ground for depression with a job and somewhere to live. Never mind without them.

2007-08-12T11:20:00.000+01:00

More weirdness. I was cycling into town yesterday and I realised that I hadn't been upset all week. And not only had I not been upset but I haven't even thought about crying.

In fact, I've had a really good week. It's definitely been helped by the sun but then I've also been in the right frame of mind to enjoy it. There's nothing worse (although there probably is but it's definitely one of the worst things) than if you're depressed and it's a gorgeous sunny day but you can't appreciate it. Not only can't you appreciate it but it makes you feel worse because you start to hate the sun and wish it would go away because you know it should be making you feel better and it's not.

I went to the hospital this week and although they didn't seem to have any record of my appointment, it was the best appointment I've had in ages. The doctor was brilliant and really enthusiastic about me going to Australia and totally convinced I was doing the right thing. I had an x-ray of my stomach and we now have a stomach plan which mostly consists of me drinking lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of water. My stomach was bad before I went to Italy but Idefinitely didn't drink enough to counteract the dehydration caused by flying. And when I got there, while I tried to drink a lot, I didn't drink nearly as much as I should have done. The doctor said I should drink at least an extra two pints a day in Australia, if it's hot. Eek. And just said for me to take as much meds as I need which is cool because I love self medicating.

I also went to see my GP and thanked her for putting me in touch with the FLASH clinic which was how I got to see my therapist. She was brilliant as well and gave me lots of extra antibiotics in case I get a chest infection while I'm out there, so now my rucksack is going to be even more chock-a-block. She was so lovely and said she'd travelled by train across Australia and it was amazing.

In fact, everyone in Leeds has been so lovely and it's making me feel really good. When I left London and other places/houses in the past I've left hating them and just wanted to get away. Now in Leeds, I'm feeling like I have got friends here and I'm not running away and could even come back. Hurrah!

Even the people from the groups I'm involved in like Leeds Stop Climate Chaos have been really positive about me going to Australia. I was really embarrassed at first and thought they'd think I was a hypocrite but they didn't give me a hard time at all. I just said I wanted to get away and see my friend, that my contract has ended and I'd split up with my boyfriend and so it was a perfect opportunity. They understood. I didn't tell them that my sanity depends on it. They don't know that side of me.

I don't want to be one of those travellers who spends all their time in Internet cafes but then I do want people at home to know what's happening and it's a good way of recording what I've been doing. This means that I'll have to tell people my blog address who don't know the craziness of me. I hope they won't delve into the archives and be put off.

2007-08-09T10:32:00.001+01:00

Something weird has been happening. These past few days, I've been pottering around, finishing off some Oxfam stuff and cycling around. Doesn't sound too weird. But the weird thing is, I've felt happy.

It started in Italy. On the first day, I got a bit upset because of things that had happened in the past but I managed to stop myself before my thoughts got out of control. I said: "No, it doesn't matter, all that matters is that I'm in this beautiful sunny place with friendly people and good food and drink and what could I have to complain about?" So I hauled myself up into the present, a place which is alien to me, and began to make the most of it.

This present thing really is a very weird concept for me but not only have I realised that it's somewhere where I should spend more time but I've also started to move there, all thanks to writing my blog.

My auntie commented on my blog a while ago that I should try and live more in the present and my grandpa after seeing it, sent me the The Beautiful Life by Simon Parke. There are so many great quotes in the book but this one is particularly relevant.

There is no greater gift to yourself than being in the present. In one sense, it is the only gift that matters. For only in the present are we conscious, awake to the moment, which is why yesterday's an illness and tomorrow's a disease...The pig knows these things...So we let the pig instruct us in the profound things of life. There is the sun, the potato peel the mud and the farmer scratching its back. Does there need to be anything else?

Of course, I'm scared I'm going to start feeling rubbish again. When you've spent so much time feeling bad, it's strange to feel anything else. But I think with Richard (my therapist) and going to Australia that things are changing. I really hope so because I've been sorting out old papers and magazines in my room and I've written the same unhappy thoughts and feelings for years. Too many years. I've been stuck.

But now I think for the first time, I can let some of it go. It happened, so what. All I'm doing by thinking about it and going over and over it, is picking at the scab and making it bleed. Trickles of blood, trickles of anger and pain and anguish and upsetness and depression and hurt and guilt and regret.

That's not to say it's easy or that negative thoughts don't pop into my mind. I particularly feel bad about Henry. That we could've been so different if I hadn't been so depressed. But I don't hate myself for being depressed anymore and that's a big step forward. I think I have had a hard time and I'm getting better at not comparing myself with other people.

2007-08-05T09:56:00.000+01:00

Friday was a good last day until that is, I drunk too much and started feeling rubbish. Because I’d been coping so well with drinking in Italy, I stupidly thought I’d be OK but I’d hardly eaten anything on Friday (except that is, the yummiest chocolate and cream cake you’ve ever had in your whole life) and so I drunk quite a bit (forgetting my light-weightness) and got a bit upset. Although no one knew I was upset so that was a very good thing and as my sister wisely pointed out it could have been so much worse (so, so much worse as past experience shows) and then I felt asleep at the party for two hours until it was time to go home!

I was really cross with myself because I know I can react badly to alcohol and I'm hardly going to see my colleagues again and they’ve been my best friends over the last six months and I should have been spending time with them, not sleeping. They've coped with my mental-ness and crying-ness and splitting-up-with-Henry-ness and encouraged me to go to Australia and all I could do, as usual, is think of myself, get upset and go to sleep.

It would be pretty easy for me to get down at the moment (well not for normal people who’d be thinking what the hell am I complaining about as I’m going to Oz in a month) so I’m just trying to concentrate on the huge progress I’ve made in the last year. Just think about where I was one year ago or nine months ago? Did Oxfam save my life? Or was it Vanessa or Rob or my colleagues or my family or my lovely blog readers or my therapist? Or all of them?

Which actually makes me feel pretty humble that so many people should want to help me and what have I done to deserve all that time and support?

Also, it suddenly occurs to me that I’ve used up a lot of lives. How many lives? It feels like a lot of people have saved me: My geography teacher when I nearly didn't take my A Level History because I had a panic attack; Alice (my art therapist); my mum; my sister; Henry and that's just for starters. But it's also, I think, a pretty good way of depicting my life; lurching from one crisis to the next. That's what I feel it's like being me.

My big thing with my therapist is my underlying/underpinning everything belief I have that if I’m not amazing then I’m a failure. Right now I feel pretty amazing but right on cue my chest has gone all spiky and I cough up blood and I'm starting to get depressed again about my evil, evil scaring acne. (At 29 do you think that maybe spots might, just might have got bored with me? Could I have a break please, just for a bit?)

So it boils down to this: things have been pretty OK for a while and overall there's been good times and happy times and maybe expecting anymore than that is just too much? For me anyway. Maybe I should evaporate or disappear? Right now, if I could transform myself into something else, I would.

2007-08-02T21:36:00.000+01:00

What a difference a few weeks makes.

I went to Vanessa's on Tuesday. I hadn't seen her for three weeks as she's been in Japan and I told her I'd just come back from Italy (that's where I've been in case anyone was wondering). Last time I saw her, I said I definitely wasn't going because I couldn't cope. *Insert here any number of Lucy-type insecurities related to weddings, friends and lots of people. I'm sure that by reading this blog you could pick a few.*

Then I said how even after I'd booked my tickets, I wasn't looking forward to it because I was so apprehensive about what I'd do after my job ends (tomorrow, by the way) until that was, I booked my tickets to Australia. And quite surprised but very pleased she said: "You're going to Australia?" And I couldn't believe she didn't know. (Does anyone else like starting sentences with And as much as me? Oh yes, my old boss, maybe that's where I get it from.)

Anyway, Italy was amazing. Even though my stomach seriously misbehaved and dispersible aspirins became my new best friend (and my new favourite painkiller), I couldn't believe how much better I felt and how much better I now feel.

So different. Good different.

2007-07-21T12:39:00.000+01:00

It’s the little things.

I thought, I’ll just check in Henry’s design book to see what an Eames chair looks like. It was mentioned in my book and while I thought I knew what it looked like, I wanted to be sure. And then, oh, I can’t. I haven’t got it anymore.

And the big ones.

I wouldn’t have been reading if I was still with Henry; he couldn’t sleep with the light on.

Recently, books have been my lifesaver. Even at my worst, five weeks ago now, that horribly awful and painful weekend, somehow, and thank god I did, I managed to start reading a book. Obviously it was about a mad person, that helped. And it was easy to read and written in really short chapters with usually four or six pages. That helped too. And the best thing, the really amazing thing was that I finished it about a week later.

I can’t remember the last time I finished a book, maybe a year ago and maybe a year ago before that. I’ve started plenty of books and they line my walls like half-read ghosts. I can still remember their stories but they haunt me with a sense of failure rather than satisfaction. They weren’t bad stories, I just got distracted or couldn’t concentrate and got out of the habit and then I feel that after a few days or a week or so you can’t pick them back up. It's just wrong.

So when I start a book I’m scared that I won’t finish it. There’s nothing that tells me I won’t, I’ve given up on first pages, second pages and anywhere in the middle, even when the end is in sight, even when I’m really enjoying it, just when I think I’m on the home straight, I stop reading, for whatever reason. I hate myself for that.

But hurrah, after reading that book I’ve read three more. Four books finished in four weeks, that’s a record. I’m worried that I’ll fail pretty soon but I’m still reading. I like it. It’s a friend. It’s company. It gives me something to look forward to in the evenings when I’ll just be home alone. Even the worst nights of the week, even on Friday and Saturday nights you don’t feel so excruciatingly lonely when you’ve got a book to read.

Now when I’m walking or cycling around Leeds, it doesn’t feel so bad because I act like I’m in a book. In my head, I’m speaking as if I’m reading something that someone else has written and you read about people on their own all the time and reading about them doesn’t make you feel sad or depressed, it makes you think they're interesting, even cool. Cool, to me anyway.

I’m riding my bike through Chapeltown to go to my therapist and I cycle along a new route through the back streets and it’s a bit scary because Chapeltown is a bit scary and I cross a street a taxi driver once told me he wouldn’t go down. As I’m cycling through the houses all I can think is that the neighbourhood is so quiet. There is no noise. Literally none. Why is the neighbourhood so quiet? And I'm thinking to myself, this is the kind of place where I could get shot. It wouldn’t surprise me. A woman looks at me as I cycle past as if she wonders what I’m doing there, disturbing the peace. Why have I ventured into her neighbourhood?

And I’m liking describing the scene to myself and I'm liking observing because it makes me feel less lonely.

2007-07-19T10:35:00.000+01:00

I'm so glad I'm going away. I've got to let him go.

Oh Henry.
What did we do? All those hours, all that time.
Do you ever think about me?

I must stop messaging you.

2007-07-18T12:31:00.000+01:00

The hardest thing is accepting who you are

But how do you know what to accept and how much you can change?

I wish I could change waking up so exhausted. As usual I slept through a few cycles of my alarm so then I had to choose between meds or breakfast. I've long ago given up getting to work anytime before ten.

As I was cycling down the road, I realised something was missing. It was my bag. I'd left it in the kitchen with my keys and wallet and phone. I hope my landlady will be home this evening to let me in...

2007-07-17T19:50:00.000+01:00

I love it when the sky turns black and moody and it feels like night-time when it's only the middle of the afternoon. Thunder and lightening starts it off, and then the rain. Buckets of rain. Hard pelting rain.

I put my arms out of the window. I want them to feel the force of the rain because the rain’s so alive and it makes my arms feel alive. I’m watching the clouds and the rain pour down and I like listening to the noise it makes; an awakening sort of noise.

My boss closes the windows because the rain’s coming in, in big splashes, and even when I leave just an inch open, the force of the rain splatters the sill in seconds, so I have to close it totally. But I don’t want to, I want to let the rain come in and I want to watch it falling from the dark sky because it makes me feel; it makes me feel vibrant and alive, and I’ve spent too much time feeling dead.

2007-07-16T20:04:00.000+01:00

When my mum found me on Sunday, I was a mess. I wasn’t difficult to find as I was in my house but I was lost.

It sounds stupid given what I’d written on my blog on Saturday but I really hadn’t thought of the implications of Henry moving out. It hadn’t crossed my mind that while I’d been seeing him every week or so to sort out things, I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. And then the bombshell; when would I see him again? Maybe I’d never see him again? In my tearful state everything seemed equally possible and anything was likely to make me start crying.

My mum had brought some food with her and it was then that I realised how hungry I was and that it was no wonder I was feeling so bad as I hadn’t been eating properly. I've been rubbish at cooking for myself and surviving on cereal, jacket potatoes, fruit and far, far too many sweets. The addiction had returned and like any addiction, once it kicked in, required constant feeding.

Today with some proper food inside me, I feel better.

And I feel better too for talking to my mum. For the last ten years, I’ve lived in the past, the past before the last ten years. The past, mostly regrets, a lot of upsetness and unhappiness and depression. A lot of memories I want to block out and periods of time, I wish I could just cut out of my brain – the only way I can see myself being free of them. And now, those ten years adding to my earlier memories which makes me feel even worse. Worse because of how depressed I've been which makes me more depressed for being depressed.

We did a lot of talking which really helped me and I began to see, maybe for the first time, (although it’s always difficult to say and who knows what I'll feel like tomorrow?) my past as being separate from myself. I saw it as something that has happened, so that I can now step away and look at it for what it was, rather than what it is. Is this the start of a new me? Maybe but I know it’s not going to be easy. However, the fact that I can detach myself and float above my past (even for a day) is surely a good thing.

2007-07-14T13:40:00.000+01:00

H came round earlier to swap pillows and duvets and give me some post. It’s his final day in Leeds today. I feel quite bad because he’s had to do loads and loads of cleaning. He’s hoovering and cleaning the outside of the windows and inside of the bins and I feel guilty because I haven’t had to do any of it. I did offer to help but he said it was ok.

And I feel sad. Sad because things haven’t worked out and I’m thinking how maybe things could’ve been different if we’d lived somewhere else – maybe I would’ve been happier if we’d had a garden or a cat, or if I hadn’t been so tired or we’d managed to sort that out sooner (although I’m not sure if I have sorted that out, I’m just sort of ignoring it), or if I’d appreciated him more and not made him feel guilty the whole time about being who he was and liking cars and racing. Because at the end of the day we did get on well and we did have fun. And I miss his hugs and his company and his friendship.

2007-07-10T18:30:00.000+01:00

YAY! YAY! YAY! I've booked my tickets to Australia. I fly to Perth on 4th September and fly back from Melbourne on 4th November. Oooooh am so smiley and happy. (How long will it last?)

2007-07-10T12:40:00.000+01:00

After a major wobble yesterday morning, I managed to get a grip and coped pretty well with the day. It was helped by the fact that the boss-boss and boss-boss-boss were coming so I couldn't really sit there crying and really had to make a massive effort to seem intelligent.

So yay! And yay for today. A day off. After two months of working four and a half days a week, I’m back down to three and a half. Hurrah! How did I ever survive working so much? Oh yes, I didn’t.

Anyway, days off in the week (when you’re working) are much better than the weekend. Well, for me anyway as I feel much less lonely than I do at the weekend: pottering about, listening to the radio, going food shopping, just hanging out on my own doesn’t feel so bad. More normal. Less mad. After all, weekends are for fun and socialising and if you don’t have that you feel wrong. I’ve got lots of things to do, all the same things I’ve had to do last weekend and the weekend before but today I think I might actually do them. Cancelling bills from Henry’s for a start... After all, I only moved out three months ago.

Oh, except that is, when other people ask you what you did on your day off and you feel like you have to say something good. Other people, other people. What is that about? Other people make me happy, other people make me sad.

2007-07-09T10:05:00.000+01:00

Of course, yesterday was easy compared with today. Today is the real test.

2007-07-08T13:07:00.000+01:00

I hope I’m less mental this week. Last week was really tough and I can’t really cope with another one like it. In fact, I’ve got things to do damn it; I can’t be depressed. I need to do some work for a start. My boss is really understanding but he’s going to start getting annoyed with me soon if I don’t start functioning like a vaguely normal human being. Fiona (my job share partner) says I’m nuts, I like the way she says it though; it makes me laugh. Last week she said I was £$*^!”% nuts and I hope that’s the most nuts she sees me.

Things ARE looking better but then I’ve made this mistake before so I’m trying to take it easy today and be nice to myself. I’m going to drastically lower my expectations: if I don’t get upset today then today will be a success. It will be as much a success as someone running a mini-marathon. Or at least, I think so. I’m not really sure about that comparison but you get the idea.

Rob rang me yesterday. Thank God for Rob. At the time I was ridiculously upset about Henry. He hadn’t done anything, I’ve just been missing him a lot and seem to have had a delayed reaction to the break-up. Or maybe it’s just that recently when I’ve been too ill/depressed to spend every moment of my day busying myself with work-related stuff I’ve had more time to think about him, me, us, things.

Anyway Rob rang and I stopped being upset. And we made plans about Australia. Australia is what I’m going to do next, I think.

My job, my crutch, the only thing that has stopped me from losing it completely since H and I split up, is ending. This is one of the reasons why I’ve been struggling so much recently. It’s not as if it were unexpected, I only ever had a six month contract and while there were times when it looked like it could be extended, it’s not going to be.

So August 3rd, that’s it. Normal people might relish the possibilities that being so free offers. I just panic. A lot. So I came up with an abstract plan. A plan that involves going to Australia. I don’t have to think about a job or where I’m going to live because, in my mind, Australia fills the vacuum that is the rest of my life.

I’ve mentioned travelling before. A lot. I’m mentioned Australia too. No one ever takes any notice because I never go. Fears, excuses stand in my way: I’ve got no one to go with, what happens if I get ill – usually physically but now mentally. So I don’t go and every time I hear of anyone going travelling my heart sinks and I feel sick.

But Rob’s got September off work and a plan is formulating. Which is great but it also means that going to Australia has a start date and an end. It stops giving me an excuse for the rest of the year. And so I stop thinking about whether I’m going to go or not and start immediately stressing about what I’m going to do when I come back.

2007-07-06T11:53:00.000+01:00

I am trying (honestly) not to be grumpy and in a bad mood today but it's really difficult when you wake up feeling more exhausted than you did when you went to bed. Also, my glands are causing me quite a bit of discomfort which is the last thing I need right now.

I've been updating a 'coffee calculator' in the office which shows you how much money you pay for a coffee and how much goes to the farmer and retailer. I'm going to make a Lucy calculator which I can put on my desk so people don't have to ask what's wrong with me today. It will say, Lucy's xxxx is/are bad today. xxxx = chest/stomach/head/glands/energy levels/concentration. I think that covers most things.

2007-07-05T20:22:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling much better now. I went to see my therapist this morning and then went to work in the afternoon. My head's still fuzzy and I can't concentrate that well but at least I managed to go to the office and even do some work.

2007-07-03T11:52:00.000+01:00

Today is a holding day.

I feel like someone's dragged razor wire through my body. It's OK though, I haven't fallen apart. I just have to work really hard to hold myself together. If I can do that I'll be alright. I just have to hold it together. That's all. If I can keep it together today, I'll be OK.

2007-07-02T15:56:00.001+01:00

Last night this weird thing happened, I was tidying up my room and listening to music and jollying around and suddenly without knowing where it came from, I realised that I felt happy. Yes, that I was actually feeling happy.

Obviously it hasn't lasted and I seem to have spent most of today fighting back tears or blatantly just crying my eyes out.

2007-07-01T12:03:00.000+01:00

I’m sitting at the kitchen table typing this. I’ve decided that having a kitchen table is a requisite for any future house I have. As you can see I’m in a better mood today.

Last weekend was scary, so scary in fact that I emailed my consultant and asked him if I really had to go into hospital and if so, could I maybe go to Bristol where my family is? I just felt that being in a room all by myself could really send me over the edge. It might seem a bit far-fetched now, I mean, even to me it seems a bit over-the-top but I guess that just goes to show how much better I’m feeling.

In fact, sitting here writing this, even I can’t understand how last weekend I could hardly get out of bed because I felt so bad. How could I not have picked up all the rubbish on my floor? How could I leave my door ajar when there were other people in the house and they could see all the papers and magazines and recycling in my room? And how could I not have been up to speaking to my friend who I know would have made me feel better?

It was going to work that made me feel better so the thought of being in hospital away from work just seemed the most ridiculous thing to do. After all, there’s no point in giving my chest a super-boost if I’m going to be too depressed to do my meds when I come out. And as I’d waited a week or so for a bed, what was a week or so more? It wasn't an urgent admission. My consultant sent me a nice email back and I think I’m going to go in to see him and discuss things next week.

2007-06-26T16:53:00.000+01:00

I felt much better last night. An email I'd be waiting for all day came through at about 5.30pm which meant I was able to fire off a few letters and emails before I went which made me feel like I'd actually achieved something. :)

Then on the way home, I decided that I really like the weather, or rather extreme weather. I liked the fact that the bus had to slow down because of the wind. It made me feel that humans are less significant and therefore that I'm less significant and as I'm less significant so are my problems, which means I should be less upset. It also makes me think that actually nature is pretty amazing and we think we're so important and can build roads and bridges and cities and concrete everything but if it wants to, the weather can take it all back.

Really in the big scheme of things we aren't that powerful and for someone who has a lot of issues about power and not having control over my own life, it makes me feel better.

2007-06-25T16:53:00.000+01:00

Well, I survived the weekend. It wasn't pretty but at least it's over now. I even made it into work today although luckily there's no one here to ask whether I had a good weekend or what I did. I guess they will ask me tomorrow and I'll give a most grumpy reply but they're probably fed up of asking me if I had a good weekend and me saying: "No" and them not then knowing what to say next. Cue me going all quiet and moody and not really speaking for the rest of the morning.

How can people hide their mood? I just find it impossible, like a child. If I'm happy everyone knows and if I'm sad then that's pretty obvious by the lack of my chatter and grumpy demeanour. I just don't understand how you can be sad and pretend to be happy? I can't.

Anyway, I do feel a bit better today. I've even managed to do some work. Although I'm still not right and not being able to work because your too depressed is very scary.

I just phoned the hospital and it looks like there won't be a bed for me until the end of the week. I'm not liking this limbo.

2007-06-23T15:25:00.000+01:00

At least I’m up now. It looked earlier like it wasn’t going to happen. I’ve eaten some food as well and even had a bath.

I was ill last weekend. This weekend I’m depressed. I can tell you what’s worse.

My room’s a mess.

H is going around my head a lot.

I drank some of my landlady’s apple juice that she was taking to her brother’s for lunch. Whoops!

I had cold baked beans for my breakfast.

I’ve been rubbish at taking my meds. I’m hoping the hospital will save me. As if.

What’s going to happen when my contract ends? Where am I going to live? What am I going to do?

What’s it all about?

2007-06-19T16:28:00.000+01:00

Well, here am I at work right now but as you can see I'm not doing much work. Although to give work its due, it has, been keeping me sane, as has cycling - although cycling in the rain last week may have been the thing that finished me off.

That and working all weekend lugging boxes of leaflets about and exhibition boards and any other things you can think of that are big and heavy and need moving about. Or it could have been the fact that I had a hugely stressful interview in Birmingham one day and the next I moved house (again) all on my own carrying my stuff in a rucksack and walking up and down the road like a snail. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself at all here.

Then, the next day, I organised an event in town which was umm marginally successful but was another long day which required lots of carrying and then (yes, there's more) I had to do more moving and lugging and sorting as H brought all my stuff round I'd left at his and to be honest I was quite surprised by how much there was. Finally, instead of a quiet week I had a crazy mad work week which I know I should've taken a bit easier but I am using work as a tool to not think about things. Which does actually work fine, until you (or rather me) gets ill that is.

So here I am. Not going to Glastonbury tomorrow as I was meant to be and instead manning the office on my own until the hospital ring me to say they have a bed. I don't know why I was upset about it yesterday - I LOVE being in hospital. Well, I love being in hospital when I'm not very ill and while I'm not that ill now (hospital visit is as much preventative as necessity) I've just realised that IVs are going to be hugely PAINFUL as just taking blood from me is a major endeavour requiring a highly trained specialist, given that I have no veins. Really none.

I am a bit depressed by the fact that I could probably finish my IVs at home but as I technically live on my own, I'm not sure if this would be allowed. Also, I think I'd rather be in hospital than at home, another statement which doesn't bode well for my mental health. Oh well things could be worse, I phoned H yesterday and asked him if I could pay him to come and visit me. He said he'd come for free.

P.S. I'm not sure what happened to the comments before but they're back now. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad (considering my competitive nature).

2007-05-20T13:37:00.000+01:00

Contrary to my lost post, not posting actually means things aren't so great. God knows why anyone is bothering to read this, if they/you are - the next few paragraphs will not inspire you or make you happy, they're just self-obsessed ramblings from someone's who's pretty depressed right now.

I've been busy with work and it's been mostly good but weekends are hollow and lonely. So what's the point in that then?

My stomach hasn't been great but at least it meant I could go to the hospital on Friday to get some TLC, well maybe not TLC just some attention.

I think I've found somewhere to move to. Which is good. I guess.

Apart from that my life is pretty disasterous. Again. Still. Forever.

2007-04-26T21:45:00.000+01:00

I'm back. Well for now anyway and just wanted to say I'm doing OK. I've been going through a bit of a blip over the last few days and today I thought I was totally losing it but I'm pleased to say that I managed to pull myself through (I hope) by writing a list of all the things I've achieved recently. While most of these are work-related (that's the extent my life right now), I've also cycled to work a few times which while getting there is a nice downhill ride, it's the getting back that's the problem.

So really, in the grand scheme of things a few days of feeling rubbish is nothing compared to how bad things could have been. I'm surviving in my job - well, I still have it at least and even coped with a live interview on Radio Leeds about British foreign policy. How I managed to sleep the night before I'll never know.

Of course, there are bad things: I don't have a house/home (I can only stay where I'm living at the moment for another few weeks), I don't have a boyfriend (I've lost one of my best friends) and I don't have many friends in Leeds or a social life...

But there are good things too: I'm in London to spend a long weekend here for my sister's birthday and to see some friends and do some cultural-type things. It's lovely being somewhere where I can totally relax (read spread out and make a mess!). I've even brought my swimming costume as there's a pool just over the road so I've got no excuse and I might also do some shopping as I'm trying to be nice to myself. And I've just started seeing this really good cognitive behavioural therapist (which is one of the reasons why I'm writing this positive list). I've taken lots of things to the charity shop as part of my being ruthless/cathartic/having no space in my tiny room including not-so-flattering clothes, cassette tapes (yep, I still have them) and unwanted jewellery.

So while things aren't so great, I've just got to keep reminding myself that it could have been sooooooooooo much worse. If I'd split up with H when I wasn't working, I would have found it a squillion million times tougher: I wouldn't have had anything to escape too or anything to give me confidence or worth.

In fact, if I'm not writing my blog I'm probably doing OK and if I am, well you'll know what's going on in my head. Thanks for reading. xx

2007-04-03T17:02:00.000+01:00

Hello,
Well I'm still at work but I've all moved in to Vanessa's house. I have a teeny tiny room but I like it as it's so cute but I'm going to have to be super tidy otherwise everything will just go to pot. I even got up this morning and made my bed, which I think is unheard of!! I'm looking forward to going home now and lying asleep on it as I'm soooo tired. Moving and packing is very tiring as I'm sure you know and I didn't sleep too well last night.

Obviously there's still loads of my stuff dotted around H's but I guess that was to be expected. There's also a big pile of my stuff in the spare room - and that's despite the fact that I've been quite ruthless (for me anyway) as I'm finding sorting out things cathartic. Well, think I'm going to go home (to my new home) now. Byeeee.

2007-03-27T18:59:00.000+01:00

I had a good day today; I cycled to work for the first time in two months which is also the first bit of exercise I've done in that time so was feeling really pleased with myself. Work is ridiculously hectic but is going well and I'm really enjoying it.

Too good to be true? Of course.

I've been busying myself with work and not being at home much and I thought H and I were getting on pretty OK. And we are, it's just that me and my mess are still really stressing him out and while I'm relaxed at home/in the house (don't think it's my home anymore), he's not.

I don't think I've been in denial but I've definitely been putting off moving out. Why add to my stress levels by moving when I'm feeling really (remarkably) fine? It's just so sad and upsetting packing everything up, and I've got so much stuff to pack. I'm trying to repeat Katie's mantra in my head: "Get rid. Get rid."

But so far, I've packed up one box and can't really cope with packing anything else!

I think I'll take Friday off and start packing everything up properly - it's just too tiring and upsetting to do it in the evenings.

On the plus side, I can still pop by and pick up my mail so I don't have to change my address until I know what my long-term plans are going to be.

2007-03-25T17:26:00.000+01:00

The sun's shining, the birds are singing, British Summer Time is here, things are good...

...ish.

As I'm sure you know by now, there's always an ish or a but with me.

The bad thing right now is that I have a rather evil ulcer on my tongue which is making it pretty difficult to eat. Apart from that I'm doing OK. I've been to Newcastle this weekend and have decided it's my new favourite city. (God, I'm so fickle!) It was work-related but there wasn't too much work to do and I'm just so happy that my job also provides me with a social life!

Let's hope I don't suffer toooo much from not sleeping 102 hours this weekend. I'll get some time off in lieu (don't worry mum) but need to take part in a teleconference tomorrow. I'm just very glad I don't have to go to Birmingham for the meeting, as was originally planned. See, all this positiveness? Is it really me?

2007-03-21T20:32:00.000Z

Still here, still OK...ish. Work is busy and I'm concentrating on that, rather than the other not so fun things that are going on in my life at the moment.

Spoke to my friend Katie tonight and she reminded me that moving out is an excellent opportunity for a big sort out. (Sorting out is something she's very keen on!) Katie's also sad that she lives far away and can't help me, but I think it's a good thing as she'd probably have a panic attack if she saw all the rubbish I keep.

2007-03-19T18:39:00.000Z

Weirdly, I'm feeling OK today. I'm a bit tired 'cos I had to get up early (for me) but I haven't been upset and even more strangely, I don't feel ill!

Over the past six weeks or so, I've had the odd day when I haven't felt ill (chest/headache/virus thing seem to be taking it in turns to ruin my day) so I'm hoping that this feeling OKness will last more than one day.

2007-03-19T10:57:00.000Z

And now for something completely different (and less depressing)...

Please tell Oxfam about your wedding dress and HELP MAKE HEADLINE NEWS (and the chance to win Fairtrade jewellery).

Oxfam has ten bridal departments around the country selling new and second hand wedding dresses and is carrying out a survey designed to find out more about weddings and wedding dresses which will be turned into a news story to promote the shops. Go to: http://qnr.surveyshack.co/s/MmHsUnOOjDIDEap to complete the survey.

And don't forget to tell your married female friends about this survey. Thanks!

2007-03-18T14:43:00.000Z

It's all the tiredness's fault.

Everything.

Looks like H and I are splitting up. :(

2007-03-12T20:55:00.000Z

Another week has started before I'm ready for it.

I'm not in a good mood.

I went to the hospital today. The consultant told me that my tiredness is nothing to do with cf and I'd be ridiculously tired even if I didn't have cf. Great. What am I meant to do about that then?

I'm so frustrated. I can't cope with this anymore. Too much effort. Too much struggle. Too much pain. For what?

If I couldn't do my job because of cf then that would make sense, it would be difficult to cope with but at least it'd be reasonable. This is just completely unreasonable: cf, depression and stupid-life-ruining-exhaustion.